- This topic has 38 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
January 2, 2021 at 10:13 am #372058AnonymousGuest
“he plans eventually to have a long term relationship again, but not right now. Because he wants to just do the things he would not be able to do when married and with kids, like travel and stuff like that”-
-sleeping with multiple women (more than one at any period of time) is part of the “stuff like that” that he wants to do now.
So, his plan is that at some point in the future, he will focus on one woman and be loyal to her. Question is, who is this woman going to be. You can ask him this question: what kind of woman will it take for you give up all other women; what kind of woman will it take for you to marry and have kids with her?
According to his answer, if it is an honest answer, you can find out if… you are his kind of a woman, the kind that he may consider marrying, or not.
anitaJanuary 2, 2021 at 1:46 pm #372068
I think that is a scary question to ask, because I might get asked the same question and my answer is not common. I do not really want to get married… i think i might want to get to know someone and the big step for me would be live with that person, if after a long time we are still together and getting married is something important for my partner I would do it, but just so he feels good about that. And about kids I do not want to have kids… in this moment in life i do not feel like i have quality time, money and the emotional maturity that requires to have a child. And when i think in the future, i might have some money i would feel comfortable with, but to get quality time i would need to find a different kind of job, which i would feel like a kind of castration, that I am not sure i could take, the emotional maturity is even more complex, I am really tying to be a better version of me, but I do not know if one day I would feel ready to have a child.
I am not really sure someone is ready to hear this kind of answer…
KayJanuary 2, 2021 at 2:14 pm #372070AnonymousGuest
I understand that you are not interested in marriage or in having children (I respect your responsible attitude regarding having children!). But I also understand that you are interested in a committed bf-gf relationship, where your boyfriend does not sleep with other women.
The questions I suggested that you ask him are not meant to lead him to consider marriage with you, but to get to understand more how he views you, and what he feels about you, what place you have in his mind and heart.
anitaJanuary 2, 2021 at 4:23 pm #372082
Yes, definitely i want an exclusive relationship!
I would need to think how to ask that, without sounding like i want to get married. I think that was part of what i was trying to tell him at the end of our conversation the last time before i blacked out.
Other thing that make me hold back is that he has a point, we do not really know each other well, specially because i have like a wall in general with people, so i understand he does not feel like he really know who i am as a person. Or maybe i am just trying to justify him hehe
KayJanuary 2, 2021 at 4:44 pm #372084AnonymousGuest
“I would need to think how to ask that, without sounding like I want to get married”- you can say before you ask: I want to get to know you better, to get to know what you think about this and that, that’s why I want to ask you: __________________?
“he has a point, we do not really know each other well”- question is, does he want to get to know you better and does he want you to get to know him better. If he does- he will be glad to answer your questions (that’s how you will get to know him better).
If he wants to know you better, he will ask you questions about what you think about this and that. Did he ask you questions about what you think, and what you want for your future, any such questions?
anitaJanuary 2, 2021 at 4:56 pm #372086
If i ask, he answers, and most if the times he seems honest in his answers. I would just need to think exactly what to ask…
He does not ask me anything though. One day i asked him to ask me three questions, and he could just think of one: “Do you know any person that use drugs?” because we were watching before a movie with a character that used drugs. But i was meaning like more personal questions!
KayJanuary 2, 2021 at 5:26 pm #372088AnonymousGuest
You wrote earlier: “he has a point, we do not really know each other well, especially because I have like a wall in general with people, so I understand he does not feel like he really know who I am as a person”-
– my understanding is that he doesn’t know who you are as a person not because you have a wall with people, but because he does not care to know, he is not curious to know. If he was curious about who you are as a person, he would have asked you personal questions, beginning with one, single question, but he did not yet ask you any questions (“He does not ask me anything”).
When you asked him to ask you 3 questions about you, he couldn’t think of a single personal question to ask you. This is leading me to think that he is not motivated to know you as a person.
anitaJanuary 2, 2021 at 5:59 pm #372091
You are right, he is not motivated to getting to know me as a person. 😢
While it hurts, all this conversation is helping me to realize/accept things that maybe i knew but did not want to recognize.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply 🙂
KayJanuary 2, 2021 at 6:09 pm #372093AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. I strongly believe that it helps to understand things as they are, even when it hurts, because a person is way better prepared to successfully deal with reality when understanding what that reality is.
I will be away from the computer for the next 12 hours or so. Good night, Kay, and post again anytime.