Dear XenopusTex:

You are welcome. Well, if following evaluated her you believe she is a manipulative woman, well, this is the time to apply the Hammer part of you, isn’t it? I wish you didn’t engage yourself with dishonest, manipulative people outside of work, that is. In your personal life, keep your personal life clear of dishonesty is my position.

You are pretty good at gathering information about people; part of the job, I suppose.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

As to your first paragraph, you wrote: “Feel like I am an idiot for letting my self get blinded by the deep feelings I had for her. Kind of scares the hell out of me.” My comment: you are not an idiot for feeling anything at all, you are not an idiot for feeling loving feelings for this woman. Feeling what you felt/ feel for her simply means you are human. It is scary, I agree, to be a slave to your emotions, to do what you feel no matter what the reality is. That is scary. But if you can feel, let the emotion be, then evaluate the situation, see reality for what it is, then you can choose what to do taking in consideration your emotions and intellect, and do what makes sense. Emotions are not dangerous if you endure them, learn the valid messages behind them and be in cognitive control of your life.

Emotional Intelligence is this: valid messages behind emotions. As I see it the valid message behind your loving feeling for her is that you need to love and to be loved (no surprise). The wrong message would be for you to let her do with you as she wishes just so that she will have you in her life in any capacity she wishes. See the difference?

Regarding her motivation, the common behavior of some physically attractive women to use their looks so to make men give them money, material goods, do for them etc.. regarding this particular woman, I think you are wondering why isn’t she motivated to have the real thing, the whole relationship with you instead of aiming at a project done for her, something like that, am I correct? Is that what you are wondering about?

If so, good question. If I was her, and there is a man (you) who can greatly benefit me, a man who will be an honest, trustworthy, loving, generous man to me, why I would definitely consider aiming at a life together. Now, why doesn’t she? Here is a possible answer: because Emotional Intelligence is not common. Her brain can very well be foggy and she doesn’t see the whole picture. She sees a corner here (this man can do this for me) and a corner there, but she doesn’t see the picture: THIS man can be a good life partner for me.

anita

Dear XenopuxTex:

Back to Emotional Intelligence, your quest (and mine): when you have strong emotions but you are not clear about the information behind the emotions, you are likely to simply get foggy, like a storm is going on, a fog and you can’t see in front of you.

There are no emotions in your brain in the courthouse when you see defendant women crying, no fog. From your experience women crying= effort to manipulate. Clarity.

With this woman, emotions got triggered, the desire to-love-and-be-loved, you were drawn to her. These emotions lead to fog, a storm of sorts, lack of clarity.

If you understood the information behind your attraction, draw to this woman, there wouldn’t be fog. Let’s say you understood the following information behind your emotions:

1. I like the way she looks, the way she dresses, the way she physically presents herself.
2. I am thinking she physically presents this way to me because she is interested in me. I very much like the idea of a woman interested in me, especially since I think I look like a geek. When a “hot woman” shows physical interest in me, that definitely gets my attention.
3. I like intelligent/ professional woman. I find it attractive.

If you thought these things, then you’d be aware of what about a woman’s physical appearance attracts you (#1, the ..easy one). You would then investigate whether she presents herself physically this way to other men and to other women so to see if the presentation is a message to you, personally (#2) and then you will continue to learn that intelligence and a professional position is far from indicating wisdom/ emotional intelligence (#3)

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

I think that your focus on the statistic that men outnumber women were you live, that this focus is misguided. Is it so that Quality men outnumber quality women (quality here is to suggest the men or women are able to tell quality in a potential partner)? If you are a quality man, one possessing desirable qualities such as loyalty, honesty, etc. and you can tell these qualities in a woman, the men in your group must be a very small group with a large group of women (quality or not) available!

I agree with your last line, getting out more and meeting more people. I would add to it: be Quality and look for Quality.

anita

Dear XenopuxTex:

Too bad it is a small town and as I understand it, it is an isolated small town? If you did meet someone at a bar, I would suggest to her to continue your conversation outside the bar. Maybe a few women go to the bars because there is nowhere else to socialize and will be happy to move on out of the bar once meeting you.

I wonder what “improving presentation” means- hope it means you being authentic and as relaxed as you can, as calm as you can be, leaving the hammer at work. Not too close; not too distant; friendly but cautious…?

anita

Der XenopusTex:

You hit the nail on the head (fitting expression here, for me) when you wrote: “Just wish there was some certainty with this.”-

It is difficult to operate in the dark, not knowing what’s going on, what’s going to happen- which is how a lot of interactions and relationships do operate; the two people bump into each other in the dark, figuratively speaking.

The whole concept of Emotional Intelligence is gaining sight into the darkness, seeing what is happening, so you are not bumping into people in the dark. For example, when that woman physically presented herself to you in an attractive way, when you are in the dark, so to speak, you jump to the conclusion: she is interested in my as a boyfriend. When you are in the light, that is emotionally-intelligent, you say to yourself: it is possible she is interested in me as a boyfriend, but maybe not. I need to gather evidence. Let me observe how she presents herself to other people (evidence). Later, maybe, you can gather more evidence at lunch with her and ask her questions (not as a prosecutor, but gentle questions, asked differently so to maximize your chances of getting honest answers, and then there is the listening, evaluating the answers or lack of answers).

So Emotional Intelligence is about gaining more certainty in personal relationships by gathering evidence, observing, asking… just like a prosecutor only not with a hammer, not in a harsh, hard nosed way, but in a way that will get results in the context of personal relationships.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

She really awakened the soft part of you, this woman, the loving part of you. I wish there was a way … I mean, well, I wish there was a way for you to have a relationship with her. Simply because she awakened that part of you.

Will be back to the computer in 9 hours or so, tired now. I will re-read your last post above (and maybe another, if there is one) and write more then.

anita