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Second guessing my engagement ring. Always second guessing myself…

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  • September 10, 2013 at 1:58 pm #42018
    Pomme
    Participant

    Hi!

    I know the following may sound materialistic etc. but please help me. My problem is I cannot stop second guessing myself…

    Please help me. I don’t know how to stop second guessing myself. The one thing I always wanted was a wow engagement ring. I had resolved that I wanted to choose my ring since I would be wearing it for the rest of my life. Next year my bf and I would have been together for six years. I searched and searched and didn’t see anything I liked in my country. It was something simple that I was looking for but couldn’t seem to find it. I went to NYC with my bf and we hit the diamond district. It was long and tedious and people were constantly harassing us to purchase. I went to one store and saw a ring but it was too expensive so we couldn’t afford it. I went to another store and saw a 1 ct center cushion ring that I liked but it an EGL certificate stone as opposed to a GIA certificate stone and it was only the engagement piece alone. The sales people were nice but we felt pressured to purchase and they said if we came back the next day, we wouldn’t get that price etc. We eventually left. I went to another store and saw a bridal set and a cushion diamond. It was a smaller .72 GIA certified diamond than the second store but the seller was patient and kind and never forced us to purchase. We went home, thought about it and came back the next day. We hit a few stores in between, my bf patiently walking long distances to Zales which was a long way off and coming back to 47th street with me. We always felt some sort of discomfort or pressure to purchase. We went back to the store with the single piece and they were not so nice that we returned. We had just about made up out minds to leave and walked all the way back to the train at Rockefeller Center when he looked to me and said, we didn’t come all the way to NYC to not leave without a ring. So, we left and went back to the nice guy and checked the ring out again and we purchased it. I went the next day to collect it after the diamond had been set. However, I had a bad experience because I went with my uncle to collect it and my uncle embarrassed me because he was questioning the jeweler about his diamonds and authenticity etc although the diamond was laser inscribed and we got the GIA certificate which was uncalled for and I felt so bad and that memory has remained with me when I think of my ring. Now….my bf has the ring and is keeping it to plan the proposal. However, I keep thinking of the ring in the other store, the single piece, that we didn’t purchase. I keep thinking how it looked on my hand, the diamond being bigger, the price being similar to the one I bought and now I’m thinking I made a wrong decision. I don’t want him to feel bad because he has been so nice to me and did this for me and spent a lot of money on it for me. I just keep thinking of the bigger diamond. It was the ideal ring I wanted….I don’t know what to do. My ideal ring had a tight halo around the center stone. My ring has a slight airspace around the stone which I now don’t really think I wanted. I didn’t plan on selling or trading my ring so I have no idea why I got so preoccupied with EGL v GIA and all sorts of things and now I wonder if we should have bought the other ring. I can’t take it back. My bf chose that one…why am I doing this?

    September 10, 2013 at 3:49 pm #42019
    Matt
    Participant

    Pomme,

    Its natural to feel some discontentment after we make a big step forward. Artists do it with their art, where they criticize and tear down their own work because it is different than the vision. The longer we have held the dream, the more difficult it can be to let go.

    Isn’t the ring only a symbol of the love you have with your boyfriend and future husband? Does it really matter so much? Your partner seems patient and loving, doing the dance along side you with respect and dedication. Together you two made a choice, and the choice stands. Its good to let go of the dream now, and live the dream you’re living. Said differently, we have to let go of the dream in order to appreciate the full beauty of what we have.

    Doing this is actually simple. We move our mind away from the comparison, and into what is. Your intimacy is strong, which is such a blessing. You have use of your sense organs, what a blessing! Look around, walk around and look at how much beauty is in and around you. The mind can settle and accept the meal it has, instead of the meal it envisioned. Does that make sense?

    That being said, it reminds me of a TV show from a long time ago called “Friends”. One character had two beautiful women in love with him, and one of the other characters put it perspective. “Two beautiful women love me, my wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!” 🙂 Perhaps a bit lacking in empathy, but read around on the board a little and revisit your question to yourself. Mountain or molehill?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 10, 2013 at 7:30 pm #42021
    John
    Participant

    I hear where you’re coming from – buyer’s remorse. I went through of it myself recently and it’s amazing how, once it’s gets your claws into you, how difficult it is to let it go.

    You tell yourself, “It means nothing in the long term…How significant is it in the grander scheme of things?…Just accept what is, what you have, look beyond the object and the meaning behind the object…”

    Oh, but the mind is a nasty little gremlin that way. It trips you up with superficial questions, “Really, are you happy with your purchase? Didn’t you really want the other one? Wouldn’t the other one make you much happier?”

    Don’t listen to that voice. It lies to you. It undermines you. It focuses you away from what’s important. Rise above the knee-jerk voice in your head and consciously say, “No, I will not be pulled down into the muck and mire of comparison, evaluation, and judgement. I don’t ‘need’ anything to be happy and am happy with nothing. Whatever comes and I receive as a gift, I will accept graciously and with an open heart.”

    Use that are your starting point and don’t get pulled into suffering and anxiety by being driven by your superficial desires. You’re a much better person than that and I think by expressing how anxious and stressed you are by your own reaction, you recognize your potential to rise above this materialism that you’re experiencing.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by John.
    September 14, 2013 at 6:16 am #42225
    Pomme
    Participant

    Thanks so much Paul and John for helping me put things into perspective. I don’t know why I seem to guess every decision I make. This one more so because of how much effort went into getting it. As time passes, it gets better and I realise that the ring is a symbol of the love that my bf and I share together. It was the culmination of all the effort that went into getting it. Sometimes I wonder if I second guess myself so much that if I had gotten the other one, I would feel the same way and want this one. That’s me. The second guessing girl. My bf has the ring and is waiting for the right time to propose. I’ve almost forgotten what it looks like while I await that special day. So as time passes, I am really excited for the moment when I can wear it on my hands. Thank you so much for alleviating my fears and anxiety. It is really good to know that there are people out there like yourselves who can take the time to help out a stranger. Thank you.

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