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Seeing my ex with the girl he left me for …

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  • #150430
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    Long story short I was with my ex for 4 years, he cheated on me and is now dating that same girl he cheated with. I didn’t find out he cheated until 2 months after our very very abrupt break up , he dumped me over the phone with no explanation. Im still very very close with his family, his sister is my one of my best friends now, and his mother and other family reach out to me all the time. I try to explain to them that it’s very hard for me to keep them in my life knowing he cheated and is with someone else and didn’t have the decency to even break up with me in person. Among many other issues one thing i really struggle with is seeing pictures of him and his new girlfriend. She posts pictures on Instagram of them two and talks about how it was love at first sight which really bothers me because we were still dating when they started hooking up (since he cheated). I do not follow her but her posts show up on the suggested page and it breaks my heart to see him with her when 6 months ago we were together and preparing to buy our first house together. I have no closure and have not seen or spoken to him since he broke up with me.  Im just struggling to hold myself back from looking at the posts and creeping sometimes and it kills me. Its also hard being so close with his family but i could never cut them off, theyre too important to me and are close with my family also. I avoid places we used to go in fear of seeing him there with her,, i avoid places to avoid seeing him in general as i think i’d break down if i saw his face as i never wanted to break up and did not see it coming. It was all so sudden and unexplainable . It’s just hard going from being piratically married to someone to all the sudden cut off and now seeing him date the girl he cheated on me with. I know i should hate him but i dont, i still wish i would wake up and this would be a bad dream.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by likegreenlover.
    #150470
    anita
    Participant

    Dear likegreenlover:

    You are in a tough situation: both you and your family are involved with his family, you live in the same area where he and his current girlfriend lives.

    He broke up with you on the phone, with no explanation after a four year relationship.

    Were there problems or troubles in your relationship before he met her? Any ongoing conflict, arguments, fights…or otherwise, particular stress such as the plan to purchase a house?

    anita

    #150476
    Elle
    Participant

    First off, bless your heart.  No one deserves to be broken up with over the phone, esp. a 4-yr relationship.  If I was in your situation, one thing that would help me heal and move on is knowing that he may have a lack in the empathy department.  And if he can do that to you, he can do it again to her or someone else.   He doesn’t sound like a man who can be trusted.  I bet in a couple of years you’ll be looking back on this as a blessing in disguise.

    #150498
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    Anita,

    We had been fighting more often, mostly about his drinking. He is newly 21 and drinking was becoming more and more often and myself and his parents were worried. We’d fight about his drinking habits and more recently would fight about him not wanting to spend time with me. I would sleepover 3-4 times a week but he’d leave all night to gamble and home home around 2AM once if already been asleep . So yes arguing was pretty frequent but we’d been through worse in previous years.

     

     

     

    Also a side note: they met at work, when she started working there he told me how immature she was & how he thought she wan an “idiot” so she was no threat to me

    #150504
    anita
    Participant

    Dear likegreenlover:

    In your original post you wrote: “i never wanted to break up and did not see it coming. It was all so sudden and unexplainable . It’s just hard going from being (practically) married to someone to all the sudden cut off.. i still wish i would wake up and this would be a bad dream.”

    Your first post reads like your relationship with him was fine,  and then, suddenly, unexplainably he broke up with you. Two months after the breakup you found out that he cheated on you.

    In your second post, you wrote about the relationship before he cheated on you: “We had been fighting more often, mostly about his drinking… drinking was becoming more and more often…We’d fight about his drinking habits and more recently would fight about him not wanting to spend time with me… he’d leave all night to gamble and home home around 2AM once if already been asleep . So yes arguing was pretty frequent but we’d been through worse in previous years.”

    It now reads to me that the relationship before he cheated on you was not fine but full of trouble and has been so for a long time, even “worse in previous years.”

    Before the breakup, did you underestimate the severity of the troubles in the relationship, his drinking, his being out until the early hours?

    anita

     

    #150506
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes reading it does show me that there were obvious problems. To be honest previous years were great, if im being completely honest with myself i noticed a change in him on his 21st birthday in April (we broke up in November). Once he turned 21 his focus was on drinking and partying (fine with me im not controlling) but it seemed like it was becoming unhealthy and his parents thought so too.  The thing that bothers me is that before his 21st he was a very very family oriented man, we enjoyed spending time with his family and little sisters rather than going out and partying, everyone used to joke about how we were already a little married couple. I guess him partying at this age is normal but he really did a 180 so suddenly and went from not wanting to go a day without talking to me to one day completely cutting all communication with me. I never in a million years thought he of all people would do anything like this and nigher did his family or mine, we were all in shock at his sudden charater change. I feel bad for him in a way because his grandma (whom hes very close with) apparently went off on him one day when she heard what he had did. His family beats him up about it all the time and hates his new girlfriend. Shes not even allowed at their house. She has a reputation of being a gold digger and he makes very good money and bought her a louis vutton purse for their two month anniversary (shes only 19). This hurt me because i was never with him for his money and always encouraged him to work hard and save up for our house (which we would buy equally). Whic is one of the reasons the family does not like her, that and the fact that she knew he had a girlfriend and cheated with her. His mother sadly plays favors me and tells him all the time to break up with her which probably makes hi hate me seeing how all his family chooses my side.

    His new girl friend has a party girl reputation which i guess is why he loves her, i’m very “old” for my age, i do not drink smoke or party. I just hate that there wasnt ever a break up conversation if that makes sense? I dont know why? I hate that it was just a sudden ending of communication, and that i fear seeing him. I wish we could at least be civil, i get invited to his family events but dont go in fear of seeing him. I dont know what ill do when i finally run into him one day as stupidly i still love him and hope that this is a partying phase and that hell end up coming back.

    #150516
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    Sorry i know that’s a long reply, i just never have anyone to talk to about this. I hate that i still love him so much after what he did to me. I hate that i still hope this is a phase and he comes back. I hate knowing he loves someone else and stopped loving me so suddenly. I hate that i did not see this coming and didn’t want this. I hate knowing everyone but him wants us to end up together. I wish i could talk to him and understand what happened. All i got was a 5 minute phone call saying he loves me and always will but that we need to break up.

    #150522
    anita
    Participant

    Dear likegreenlover:

    You wrote in your second post: “arguing was pretty frequent but we’d been through worse in previous years.” In your next post, you wrote: “To be honest previous years were great”- I suppose in previous years there were great times for you but there were also times of frequent arguments, correct?

    You wrote: “i noticed a change in him on his 21st birthday in April (we broke up in November)”- this is seven months of that change. Five months of it were before he cheated on you, if I am calculating correctly.

    He was only a teenager (both of you were) when the relationship started. This is a possiblility, and only a possibility, for you to consider, if you’d like:

    He may have had conflicts with his parents/family that have lead him to diverging from them, most significantly at 21. By the very fact that you were (and are) so close to his family, his diverging from his family included diverging from you.

    The fact that his family is still reaching out to you while you have no contact with him means that there is a limited and conflicted relationship between them. If they weren’t his family, maybe he would have completely broken up with them as well.

    Hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #150528
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    Thank you, i agree. I somewhat believe this needed to happen (minus the cheating) because i agree, i was too close with his family and he probably viewed me as a member of it. With all of us on his back i was the only one he could cut, so he did. I think we both need to be apart and mature and find ourselves and experience single adult life before getting married , which was our next step. I personally have grown 100% and learned things about myself. Ive become more confident , outgoing, and met so many new people. I also have learned to have more empathy for others and have become a nicer person. I try my hardest to live my happy life and move forward but i still get sad at times looking back. I just hope that maybe one day when he’s matured and found himself he’ll choose to be with me, and we can come together stronger and ready to have a healthy relationship after getting to experience life apart from each other. I think us being together since so young (17&15) , we need to learn who we are as individual adults . Hopefully this time will give us that and maybe down the line he’ll decide that we can try again, this time knowing what life is like without each other and knowing who we are as individuals.

     

    Thank you so much for listening, it really really helps me to take a step back and see it from a different view.

    #150536
    anita
    Participant

    Dear likegreenlover:

    You are welcome. Keep growing and learning. Post anytime.

    anita

    #150588
    John
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I also suffered a breakup with my fiance where she quickly went to a guy we had both known for years whom she never once had anything nice to say about while we were together. In fact, she had said quite a lot of not so nice things about him and now he is my replacement.

    I am shocked at how instagram is flaunting their relationship in your face against your will. I am on no social media (except forums like this) so I dont have to deal with any of those things. I dont know anything about how intagram works but is there no way to block that from happening? Having to see that stuff can not  be healthy.

    Take care.

    #150606
    likegreenlover
    Participant

    John, sadly there is no way to block myself from seeing her profile unless she does it herself which is unlikely as i’m sure she wants me to see them together . I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar as i know how painful it is. It sucks and i do a pretty good job at holding myself back from looking but it will pop up either she’ll comment on a mutual friends post or it’ll suggest for me to see her photo. It hurts so badly to see but i try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and bigger better things will hopefully come my way soon.

    #150712
    Crystal
    Participant

    I have a similar situation but complicated and crazy. To make a long story short I was with my ex for 10 years, lived together for 9 years. He cheated on me on and off for about 5 years that I didn’t find out until close to the end. They were taking trips together and everything, found letters and read messages of them discussing getting married and having kids. We got into an argument and he told me he decided to leave her along and we would work things out. We went and looked at wedding rings and all. We started going to church, well he had me believing that things had changed. In the mean time he was doing the same thing all over again with a female he worked with. Until one night last October he just decided he wasn’t coming home anymore without telling me and moved in with her. The house we were renting was in his name, he wouldn’t come get his stuff out the house or give me the key back. He felt like he could come and go as he pleased. This Jan I finally felt like I had started to move on, then the girl he moved in with just dropped him and his stuff back off at the house. Needless to say he is currently now living here and he wants us to be friends and I finding it hard to do because feelings are starting to come back. Also he has gotten back in touch with the first girl he cheated on me with for 5 years and has been spending the night and time with her. I understand that me and him are not together anymore but I cant help but to get mad and start fussing with him when I know that’s where he has been. I told him that I feel like we could never be friends because shes in his life. If I had the means to move somewhere else I would but financially I cant right now. I feel a lot of hurt and pain all over again that I thought I had gotten over. I just really don’t know what to do or how to go about handling this situation.

    #238233
    Sarah
    Participant

    I joined this forum coz I have been going thru similar situation. I’m from India which plays a very important role in my story. I have been in a serious relationship with a guy for 3 years. We were literally that couple who everyone thought will marry. His family loves me. I love them too. Our relationship had everything love, passion, the connection, the understanding and everything. But my family never will accept him and in my country if you’ll havent heard is a sole reason for relationships succeeding or not. 6 months prior to this July we both started having problems he started behaving cold and distant. I was alarmed but then he is trying his luck in the film industry and his family financial situation went down so all the load was on him and I thought the stress of it and I’m from a privileged family so I assumed he just felt inferior so I let him be. Prior to this 6 months he never minded if I used his phone but after that his phone is always off or he doesn’t let me check it. I thought he needed some privacy and let it go. But then July one day I went thru his phone and I saw a chat history with this girl for 6 months. He was in a relationship with her. It shook me. I never in my wildest dreams expected this. When I called her up that nigh she said that he told her we both broke up. I couldn’t take it. I lost my mind and I had my very first mental breakdown. We fought we cried we hit each other and I stormed out of his place early morning. I was ready to forgive him thinking he just acted out because of his stress at home and everything. Later when I contacted him he said he needed some time but outta fear I started nagging him visiting him frequently which let to the same fights and crying and hitting. After two months of that I stopped. I gave him one month time and went and met him on Oct 3 rd. And he told me he is choosing her coz my family will never accept and they have been clear about it. I’m pursuing medicine and he is trying out in the film industry. He also mentioned that our careers are worlds apart and it would never work out. Thinking about it now the reasons were actually right. And he also said that girl has no family, she is all alone and he feels since he brought her into this he needs to be there for her and since she has gone thru so much in life he wants to make her happy and that he will marry her once he gets financially stable. I know this total story paints him as an asshole. But lemme tell you he stood by me and faced so many obstacles when my parents gave him a hard him. He loved me with everything he had. I guess he had no stability in his family not his career he wanted at least a stable relationship. Tho the way he chose to leave was wrong I don’t blame him for leaving. It was too much of a fight and he just couldn’t do it anymore. We do talk from time to time he misses me and I do too. we will always love each other. I guesss love it not just enough in the place where I come from. Had it been the case where my family accepted him our story would be totally different. I guess there is no use of pointing fingers anymore. He claims to be happy with her but each time I talk to him or run into him somewhere I can sense it and see it in his eyes how much he misses me. I really wish we had a happy ending but I guess some stories aren’t meant to have one.

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