I have been emotionally invested in a relationship with this man for over 30 year in one form or another.  We are in our 50’s.  I love this man and I have told him so on many occasions.  However, he has never said the same to me but I associate that with emotional maturity on my part.  I am able to be honest with myself.  I genuinely have no idea of his feelings towards me.  All I do know is that he has been a part of my life all this time and has not left.

We communicate a lot by text and seem unable to have really deep conversation about emotions when face to face.  I am accustomed to this.  Every so often, I will have a ‘moment’ where I need clarification, validation, explanation of what it is between us.  I am crystal clear on my feelings.  He feels that after this length of time, I should be able to ‘let him go’.  I struggle because I cannot understand why he has not walked away.  You would think that he should have reached a point when he said enough is enough.  But he hasn’t.  And so his remaining a part of my life feeds my emotional stance towards him.

This morning, I had another ‘moment’ and told him truthfully that I believe I have been using him emotionally by keeping him in my life.  I told him that I am not addicted to him, I am not obsessed with him and that I am not in love with him.  I do love him but I am not in love with him.  I explained that for 20 years, I have been using him as an emotional crutch, telling him that I struggle to move on because of him, that I struggle with my emotions because of him.  But now, with some introspection, I recognise this is not true.  What I have been doing is acting and behaving in a way to keep him close to me.  I assume he stayed to try to save me because I cannot understand what held him there for 20 years.

Now I feel guilty.  His response to my texts was that he didn’t know what to say to what I wrote.  I spilled the beans about perhaps holding him unnecessarily by my side for 20 years and that I am sorry for the selfish behaviour that held him there and he says he doesn’t know what to say.

The logical person in me says that I didn’t hold him.  He was there because he wanted to be.  He could have walked away from the relationship at any point, assuming he realised it was one sided.  But I am struggling with 20 years.  He valued our friendship to that extent?  He was trying to save me?  What?  And now, have I made a mistake?  Should I have let sleeping dogs lie and allowed us to continue the relationship as it was?  Very one sided whilst I tell him I love him and he says nothing but stays in my life for another 30 years?

I left the onus is on him to contact me if he wants to.  To decide what he wants.  If he wants to try to maintain a friendship.  Because I now believe that is all we have.  But I am suffering from guilt that I have destroyed the love I had for him and perhaps he for me; although clearly not reciprocated.  Should I try to text him and throw myself at his feet claiming another moment of madness?