Self esteem taking hits. Starting to feel like I'm not worth the effort

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    I was on here earlier talking about making a mistake and losing out on meeting with a woman that I seemed to have a great connection with. I’m starting to feel like I’m just not worth the time and effort anymore.
    I know it’s not productive to think this way but the longer it becomes since my marriage ended (it has been over 4 years now) it is getting harder to see any hope that a relationship will happen again.

    I had an emotionally draining end to my marriage. I was cheated on by my ex spouse for an extended period until I figured it out. Then I figured out why I was being run down on by her everyday for that period of time. She was thinking if she personally attacked me enough then I would eventually leave her,and then she would look like the suffering wife that found love again with the other scumbag cheater.
    It didn’t work because I just chose to take the abuse and struggle to figure out what was wrong,and try to find ways to fix it.
    I’m glad that marriage is over. She is a horrible person and I only deal with her when it involves our kids.
    What bothers me is that since that long-term relationship, I haven’t had another one. I’ve tried and as I get older (I’m 44) I start to wonder if someone will want me again.
    I’m not unattractive and I don’t look my age. I don’t even feel as old as I am. But the world feels different than from when I last dated, over 20 years ago. Maybe it’s the same and I just didn’t notice then.

    Dating sites weren’t the rage back then,and if I was more concerned about partying like my ex was,and not spending with my family,I would’ve built up a larger social circle. Maybe I would have a better opportunity to be setup with dates that way but I don’t.

    It seems women are more impatient these days. These don’t want to give you much of a chance to see what can develop between you,and alot of them have this huge list you have to fill to make the grade.

    Dating sites seem to be an ego boost for women and ego dump for men. It’s not entirely the case because I know that they deal with alot of predatory creeps that sexually harass them. But for every 100 of those guys, there is a guy like me who will send a thoughtful message about wanting to get to know them as a person. Still, you can easily get blown off there too.

    This last woman I meet contacted me. She was sweet,caring and attracted to me. We seemed to have a good connection. I made a joke that wasn’t meant to hurt her feelings. It wasn’t something horrible,and I explained it and apologized. She wasn’t going to give me the benefit of doubt,and hasn’t spoken to me since. I tried on a couple of occasions to contact her, and let her know that I care about her,but it fell on deaf ears. I know I’m a good man but I just feel like women don’t think I’m worth the effort.


    I have to add to my post. I’m especially struggling to understand what happened with this last woman. She contacted me alot. Texts first thing in the morning. Just to say good morning. Always responding quickly when I sent her a message. Telling me how she couldn’t wait to see me.
    Then one small mistake, which I instantly took responsibility for, and apologized for, and everything was shut down.
    I’m trying to let go of it because I know it just makes you suffer, and you can’t know what she is thinking.

    It is just that when you think someone sees the good in you then you can’t understand why they won’t try to give you the chance to keep show it to them.

    I don’t think I’m trying to get someone to validate me. It would be nice if they thought that you weren’t easy to give up on and forget.


    Dear Ecotone:

    I responded a few times to your previous thread. If you do not agree with what I am about to write, if it is not true to you, if you dismiss it, then I will let it be and not respond again to your thread.

    I asked you before what that joke was and made suggestions that it could have been an angry communication to her, or a passive aggressive one- I went on to suggest that maybe it is a cary over anger from your marriage. You wrote back that your communication to her was not at all angry and you insisted that she misinterpreted it, that her world was too full of sweetness, as you put it and that is why she was unreasonable in over reacting to your joke.

    If she was unreasonable- then you have nowhere to go forward to with her and nothing to learn from the experience. If there is any truth to what i suggested, then at the least you can learn something from it.

    Perhaps you still need to do some grieving work, process the hurt and anger at your ex wife who mistreated you…



    Hi Anita,

    I don’t know. I’m not passive aggressive. I don’t say mean spirited things to people. What happened with my ex is in the past, and I know that there are better women out there,that I’m just having trouble connecting to.

    I grieved a long time over what happened and if it sounds like there is some anger when I speak of her,then I think it would be tough for anyone who was with someone so long to not be disgruntled about them. People use the term toxic for certain people. This is now I’d describe her. I deal with her as little as possible because I feel drained after I do.
    It’s not something I bring to someone new. That is fresh and I want to build a new better story with them.

    I just wonder if part of my past is affecting my present.


    Hi again Anita,

    I’m am trying to move forward when comes to this last woman. Maybe I need to think about if it will actually be considered a joke if I say something to them. Give that aspect time to see what they are like. If I have to completely walk on eggshells around them, then I know it won’t work anyways.

    Maybe she had someone who said things that were rude to her all the time. Maybe it affected how much she would tolerate from someone. I’ll never know but I don’t want someone to feel hurt by things I’ve said. I try to make them feel like there could be no one else because there wouldn’t be.
    It’s self pity but I wish someone would see that I’m worth trying for.



    I am in the same boat you’re in; you’re not alone! Dating in our 40’s is a different animal all together. At this age, we all have baggage, stress, pain, anger, etc., all at different levels and frequencies. The key is to date with an open mind and with no expectations.

    If you told this woman a joke and she took it the wrong way, unless you insulted her, which you say you didn’t, then that should tell you something. Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” My take is that this woman may be a little too sensitive. Why would you want to start a relationship with someone who can’t laugh at a joke? My gosh, life is hard enough, loosen up people!

    I have to admit I’m at a cross-roads now where I wonder if I can ever love again? Sad, but true. Time for me to reflect and do some soul searching.

    Don’t try to figure this woman out or try to figure out what you did wrong. Just take it at face value and move on.

    Good luck to you and I hope you find the love you deserve 🙂


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