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Self hate, trauma and regret – please help me

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  • #360584
    Stephanie
    Participant

    Hello,

    This is two seperate occasions which led to my struggles. Its very personal and I am struggling deeply with feelings of self hate, blame and regret.

    First of all I am 20 years old. Ive never been on a date (only ever 2 boyfriends who were long distance), no physical intimacy before. Im very shy and quite reserved.  I want to reserve all of this for someone who I love and am in a relationship with.

    My cousin (who I am not related to but see as family, he is my stepdads, sisters son.) is the same age as me. We connected and became friends, and were grateful for each other. We were quite lonely so having someone to talk to especially being family meant a lot. It was his birthday and I invited him over so we could watch dramas, anime, play the nintendo switch and watch movies together. My parents were away for the night camping. Long story short, we ended up drinking quite a lot. I was borderline tipsy-drunk but still self aware. He however….was very..very drunk. He got very..touchy, kept complimenting me, saying gross things about me, hugging me (in an uncomfortable, somewhat intimate way) and kept kissing my cheek. (this is the first time anyone has touched me like this and is very uncomfortable for me). He talked about and asked me so many disgusting, rude, uncomfortable questions but me in my drunk state I just answered! Im so ashamed of myself…when Im drunk I will just accept anything that’s happening to me because I cant think straight. It was horrible……..He said so many gross things about me, and was so touchy…I remember as I was sobering up I was beginning to become scared and worried about what he might do. He was showing me nude pictures of past ex girlfriends and kept complimenting me on my body and things….He then proceeded to violently spew everywhere to which I had to clean up.  This is my cousin!!! Although not blood related someone who I saw as family and I feel so uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusted. I havent talked to him since. It was traumatising.

    Not long after, a friend from work who is 37 years old (could be my father age lol) we went out to a restaurant together. We were quite close – as friends!! he has a wife (their situation is complicated) – but anyway, we are friends. I found comfort in him as I have always longed for an older brother and that is exactly what he was to me. I cant even remember everything that happened but whenever I do I panic and feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. We were so drunk…I remember I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. He took me to a motel room while I was crazy drunk, i cant even remember getting there…and I fell asleep right away but, after when I woke up only an hour or so later…He wanted to…..have….sex…….Words cant describe how ashamed I am over myself because of that night. We didn’t go all the way and he didn’t…put it in…, (he kept trying but wasnt able to) but he still did everything else to me and I hate it. (for like 35-45 minutes I’d say? im sorry i cant go into detail. I cant handle the stress when I remember/think about it) I let him do it. He asked if he could do anything he wanted and I said yes…I was so drunk and tired I couldn’t think properly, I didn’t even really know what was going on. I just remember thinking, ‘hes my friend, so its okay’. He touched me everywhere and im so ashamed of myself. Whenever I remember everywhere he touched and the things he did to my body my anxiety becomes horrible, i freak out and start hyperventilating. It terrifies me and I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Later he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship…I was so upset. This person who is 37 years old…and my best friend who I saw as my older brother….the same situation happened as my cousin but worse.

    These are my fault as I was drunk, and with the second instance I consented at the time. I am so ashamed of myself and feel so..disgusted. Im not the type of person to do these, even the thought of a kiss is an important moment to me to be shared with my significant other!! not to mention all the other physical things >< … My first time being touched and my first kiss was stolen in horrible ways.

    Now im terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive, that I cant trust them and I become so scared to be with them. Im now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way to what I was expecting and are going to try to do things to me. Im scared of making friends and going out with people in case something happens again. But mostly the hatred i feel for myself is so strong, im so ashamed of myself for allowing it. Its all my fault…

    Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage which is why I am coming here. I would appreciate your thoughts/opinion and anything to comfort the turmoil I am in with these situations that recently happened. Writing this itself is making me feel absolutely horrible with my anxiety however I feel the need to get comfort and this is a big first step for me.

     

    #360710
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stephanie:

    I will reply here to your original post on the other thread as well as the original post on this thread. Any further communication between you and I will be on this thread. You shared that your friends have been “verbally/ mentally abusive”, that you were “taken advantage of to embarrassing lengths, from “being told to eat crumbs off the floor.. to  rolling in the mud for 10 minutes resulting in ant bites all over my back”, “these ‘friends’ were literally bullies who were saying the most hurtful things to me everyday”.

    You shared that you were “verbally abused everyday” be who you referred to as a friend, “she swore and yelled at me.. told I was useless, a b*tch, to shut the f*** up, c***, idiot“. You wrote about this girl in high school, the girl who said these words to you, who swore and yelled at you: “she had a ‘nice’ side and I was lonely”.

    “I never stood up for myself in these friendships because they terrified me so much and I tend to avoid conflict at all cost… every time I do try to stand up for myself I make things much worse”, you wrote. “I.. feel deep  down that I wish for someone to say all these horrible things to me again.. I am somewhat hoping someone says abusive things to me!!! ?!? What’s wrong with me???”

    You shared that your father said things to you, such as you “being lazy, an idiot, stupid, useless”. You wrote that he loved and cared for your younger brother only. You shared on this thread that you’ve “never been on a date”, “no physical intimacy before” your cousin to whom you are not biologically related  became “best friends” and “being family”, proceeded to show you nude pictures of his ex girlfriends, kiss and touch you while the two of you were drunk, and “then proceeded to violently spew everywhere to which I had to clean up”.

    A “friend from work”, “my best friend who I saw as my older brother”, a married man 17 years older than you (you are 20, he is 37), got together, got drunk, and he took you to a  motel, touched you everywhere “and other physical things”. Later “he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship”.

    “Now I’m terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive.. I’m now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way.. try to do things to me..  But mostly the hatred I feel for myself is so strong, I’m so ashamed of myself for allowing it. It’s all my fault… Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage.. I would appreciate your thoughts”.

    My thoughts/ suggestions at this point:

    1. Within the work place- don’t get together alone with a male co worker, for example, meet him in an office where it is just you and him. This includes the 37 year old.

    2. Do not meet a male co  worker outside the work place- not in a restaurant, not anywhere. This includes the 37 year old.

    3. Do not spend any time alone with the cousin or with any male family member, if possible. Do not spend time alone with a male friend.

    4. Do not consume alcohol if a male is around or may show up and join you.

    – in other words, do not place yourself in a physical circumstance where sex can take place.

    5. A person who abuses you in any way is not a friend but an enemy. Until you are able to tell the difference between a friend and an enemy, stay away from people. If you think a particular person may be a friend, meet that person in a public setting only, where other people are around. If that person begins to verbally abuse you, move away and stay away from that person.

    * Regarding what you wrote here: “I.. feel deep down that I wish for someone to say all these horrible things to me again… I am somewhat hoping someone says abusive things to me!!! ?! What’s wrong with me???”-

    – it is possible (and let me know if the following feels true to you), that you have spent so much time alone and lonely in your life, time that felt endless, as in endless loneliness and endless nothing-is-happening, that something, anything is better than nothing. So when the high school girl called you names, it felt like.. at least someone is paying attention to you. When someone wanted you to roll in the mud.. at least someone was paying attention to you, at least you were not alone.

    And when the cousin went for you sexually, and the 37 year old married man.. even though you didn’t want to be sexually approached, even though it made you feel ashamed and disgusted… at least you were not alone, and at least something was happening, something exciting.

    I hope you let me know what you think about all that I wrote to you.

    anita

     

     

     

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