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June 19, 2017 at 8:15 pm #154114
AnonymousGuestDear steph:
You are very welcome. I like what you wrote about taking care of yourself: “Self-care is not just taking a bubble bath or giving your feet a massage–it can be hard work! … It is really sticking up for oneself and knowing one’s limits and what one stands for, not letting people take advantage”- excellent!
Maybe you can come up with a plan to take care of yourself in the context of the next relationship with a man. For example you can decide on a period of time, or a number of dates that you will have without physical intimacy, so to get to know the man with some objectivity first, and then decide about how to proceed. I think planning for the next relationship is a good idea, best you can.
Communicating with the next man effectively will be very important so to minimize incorrect assumptions, to be clear and direct.
What do you think?
anita
June 20, 2017 at 2:59 pm #154314
stephParticipantanita,
Your thoughts are quite clear to me. I think it’s a great idea to lay out a self-care plan in the context of a following relationship. It is important to clearly know what it is I am looking for and what it is the man is looking for so neither of us get confused or make unclear assumptions. I will definitely be working on that. 🙂
Even though it was a difficult process getting here, it’s such a blessing to finally know what my limits are. I used to be very scared about relationships but would get involved anyway. Subconsciously, I kept thinking they would provide me with lasting happiness. But, now I feel very happy with myself–and if I remain single for the rest of my life, that’s okay. I’d rather be happy alone than compromising myself to be with someone else. It is liberating to know that I don’t need anyone to fill up a space in my life. I think this is the biggest factor in preventing myself from getting involved in another relationship where I get hurt very badly–I just need to be clear about what I’m looking for. And if something no longer feels right, I have the right to part ways with him. But I finally feel confident that I won’t just settle for someone because they pop up and seem to enjoy my company, so I am very happy about this. A big step of growth for me. 🙂 Learning lots about self-worth.
steph
June 21, 2017 at 10:32 am #154444AnonymousGuestDear steph:
Being clear about what you are looking for is very important: it is like operating in the light instead of stumbling in the dark. Accepting the possibility of being single is also good- that takes away desperation and desperation leads to stumbling in the dark, any which way, not being aware. Knowing that you have the right to end relationships, also very positive, important.
Preparing for a future relationship is another excellent plan. This way you will know what you need and want at the very beginning, and so, you will be looking for what it is he needs and wants, and if there is a match.
anita
June 21, 2017 at 4:19 pm #154468stephParticipantanita,
Just finished journaling what my hopes/expectations are for a future relationship. I’m planning on writing more about it and being clearer eventually, but for now I have some good bullet points to go off of.
Thank you once again for your help. It has been a pleasure talking to you and receiving your advice. I wish the very best for you. Perhaps we will talk again in the future. 🙂
steph
June 21, 2017 at 8:51 pm #154496AnonymousGuestDear steph:
You are welcome. It is a pleasure on my end as well. Thank you for your wishes and anytime you would like to come back to your thread (or start a new one), I will be glad to read and reply.
anita
June 22, 2017 at 6:59 pm #154616stephParticipantanita,
I do have one more question for you–do you have much knowledge on empaths?
Currently, I am attending a very spiritually-focused school. All students and faculty are required to meditate twice a day and many people take part in a spiritually-accelerating program called the Sidhis. Because of this, I am surrounded by an energy that feels very high and bright. Most people living in the town meditate as well, and there are probably 4,000 people total (it’s very small). I’m wondering if my sensitive tendencies are having difficulty feeling grounded in this situation, and so it is causing me to feel unstable and producing a lot of anxiety as we spoke of. Do you think this might be possible? Again, I’m not sure if you have any knowledge with being an empath but I figured I would ask. Perhaps empaths need more of a balance between the spiritual and the material? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
I am on the train home now for the summer, but I am reflecting back on how I feel at home compared to how I feel at school and found the comparisons worth looking at.
steph
June 23, 2017 at 6:31 am #154660AnonymousGuestDear steph:
Depending what you mean by “empath”. A definition online states: “a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual”. An entry on Siddhi (Wikipedia), states: “Siddhi are spiritual, paranormal, supernatural, or otherwise magical powers, abilities, and attainments that are the products of spiritual advancement through sadhanas, such as meditation and yoga.”
I don’t pay attention myself, to the paranormal (not scientifically explainable) because there is so much to learn that is scientifically explainable that I am occupied with the “normal”, or the scientifically explainable. I trust science.
I don’t believe in the ability to “read minds”- to read one’s thoughts. Often people physically express emotions in similar ways, so when a person frowns, we figure: he or she may be upset, and when they smile, we figure they are pleased. It is not possible, I believe, to know otherwise, without physical expressions, what a person feels. We can guess, but can be wrong.
I’ll stop at this point to ask you if the above is what you mean by “empath” and otherwise elaborate, if you will, by what you mean by it.
anita
June 25, 2017 at 3:31 pm #154952stephParticipantanita,
I did not mean that there were any accounts of paranormal abilities; I meant more of an emphasis on absorbing other unseen qualities/characteristics, such as energies and feelings of another individual–or community, in this case. To further explain, an “empath” is one who feels emotions quite easily and is very sensitive to the point where one may feel another’s physical pain as if it were their own. For instance, if another individual’s back is aching whom they are speaking to, the empath’s back may start to ache slightly. It’s quite an intuitive thing, something that happens without thinking about it. It’s more of an energetic exchange, though I’m not sure if you would be one to know much about this either given what you stated about your beliefs. Either way, that is my personal explanation given my own experiences. Subtle energies tend to have a great effect. When a person is quietly judging me (doesn’t say anything with words, but in their mind) I can feel it–or if someone tends towards negativity it can do this as well. Also, spiritual energies can effect me in this way as well. I’m not sure if this is completely clear to you, though–let me know if I should elaborate more.
steph
June 25, 2017 at 5:15 pm #154958AnonymousGuestDear steph:
I read that emotions are “energy in motion”. Emotions are energy as you can not touch love, you cannot hold it in your hands, you can only feel it. Love, anger, emotions are expressed by people in their facial expressions (frowning, smiling, looking in one’s eyes or away, etc.), body language (arms crossed, shoulders/back posture, etc.), in words, gestures and actions.
I don’t believe that a person can accurately feel what another person feels without facial expressions and/or body language, words, gestures, and/or actions.
What I learned regarding people that feel strong empathy for others is that it is sometimes a response to living with a very distant parent. The more distant the parent, the more reaching out to the parent the child does. In other words, the more un-empathetic the parent, the more empathetic the child.
It is like the child needs a certain amount of empathy/ love from the parent, let’s say that amount is 100. If the parent gives the child 40, the child fills in 60; if the child gets 5%, the child fills in the remaining 95%, and that is a whole lot of empathy.
anita
June 26, 2017 at 2:28 pm #155166stephParticipantanita,
I appreciate your insights. I do see what you mean about body language and facial expressions. Perhaps I am internalizing the face-to-face encounters I have with individuals on a daily basis–I’m not quite certain at this point. It could be the case that I developed a strong sense of empathy from living mostly with my mother. In any case, I am doing better as I am home from school for the summer so there’s that. Thank you again for your insights. I think things will be okay given that I am unwinding from school right now.
Best wishes to you!
steph
June 26, 2017 at 3:34 pm #155174AnonymousGuestDear steph:
Thank you for your best wishes. My best wishes to you too.
And you are welcome. Anytime. Keep unwinding, relaxing.
anita
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