Severe anxiety regarding relationships

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 12 months ago by Al.

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November 20, 2013 at 2:28 pm #45547

Ted Ahmad
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I am a 28 yr old male living in NYC who has been dealing with what feels like a monstrous and ever worsening slump for more than a year. Last summer (2012) my gf of 2 years and I abruptly split. My life long struggles with negative thinking and anxiety definitely contributed to this relationship coming apart.

I did try for a while after the break-up to meet new people and even went on a few dates. I was actively using online dating websites (which i had success on in the past). However that has pretty much ebbed down to nothingness because of the constant rejection I faced. Now I am left with a severe anxiety in interactions with members of the opposite sex. Feelings of inadequacy in looks and general low thoughts plague me everywhere. I feel like women frown at me the moment they make eye contact with me. The few times I can muster the courage to talk to a girl its usually for a moment and I tend to leave the interaction as quickly as I can.

I am in no way chasing models or stunning women, all my previous relationships have been with above average normal girls, but I feel like at this point I am too out of shape and unattractive to actually attract a decent partner. I literally hear the words “ugly” or “stupid” whenever I imagine talking to someone. The few times I have been able to have a prolonged interaction with a girl I might be interested in they feel it necessary to tell me they aren’t interested in me before I’ve made any overt romantic move. I have a good job, a decent friends circle, I am funny (I am a comedian), I am very polite, but I don’t feel like I will ever be able to get a partner at this point. I feel beastly in my appearance.

Should I just accept that the romantic part of my life is over? If so, how should I manage my expectations to accept that fact. If not, how can I reconcile my anxiety with the reality that I haven’t seen any success with females in the last year. What should I do?

November 20, 2013 at 6:21 pm #45552
Kline
Participant
My first reactions and advice: Focus on being happy with yourself as a single person. Learn to love being single. Look at being single as gift that allows you make friends with all sorts of people without having another person at your elbow.
If you really think you are unattractive, see what you can do to change that, but only if you really want to. The right woman for you will love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. Otherwise be yourself. Remember the most attractive thing of all is confidence, so focus on creating that.
Go easy on yourself. Focus on what is important to you in life, and have faith the right woman will be there.
- This reply was modified 11 years ago by Kline.
November 20, 2013 at 6:44 pm #45556

Ted Ahmad
Participant

Thanks for you response Kline. Any advice on how to deal with the social anxiety that prevents me from one on one interaction with strangers? The real irony is i can get up on stage in a NY comedy club and talk for 20 mins but if I have to talk a sole person from that audience I feel a lot more anxiety.

November 20, 2013 at 9:38 pm #45570

luchin
Participant

Don’t get too hard on yourself. Spend some “me’ moments and learn to appreciate yourself. It’s not bad to be single. I have been single for almost my entire life. Just be yourself and be a good conversationalist. Well you can’t please everybody. Just mingle with the right crowd.

November 21, 2013 at 7:06 pm #45647

Kline
Participant

I think there are a couple points to think about regarding social anxiety:
You always feel more anxious than you appear to be others.
If a person is kind, then she/ he will help you feel comfortable. If the person is not kind, they are not worth your attention (in this context that we are talking about – meeting people)
Most people don’t like to be the first person to talk, but they appreciate being talked to. Have a few open ended stock questions prepared like, “What brought you here, tonight?”
I agree with luhin – mingle with the right crowd. The right crowd is going to care about you.
Remember “all is vanity” – who cares if someone thinks you are silly? just move on to the next person.
Give yourself a concrete goal, like “talk to at least two new people this month”
I read in article once this advice about meeting people “get in the habit of making people’s days” – you may be the one lifeboat of a cheering word that someone had to grab onto that day.
Finally, I am wondering where are the women you want to meet hanging out?

November 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm #45648

Kline
Participant

I am not an expert thought, just my immediate thoughts

November 21, 2013 at 8:18 pm #45655

Al
Participant

Do you really wish to attract a partner who cares more for your outward qualities than your inners? A woman, a real woman, falls in love with your actions, not your appearance. Be rid of the false concept of what beauty is that is forced upon us all by the many societies. Also, instead of worrying about your physical appearance, you should be worried about your health. Wanting to be in good health will keep your resolve to exercising stronger than plainly wanting to look good.

As far as your social anxieties go, I believe you just need to stop over thinking. In the end, the people you interact with are just other human beings who are trying their best to enjoy the life they’ve been given, exactly like you. 🙂 Keep that train of thought when you speak with other people and you’ll do fine. Live in the now, enjoy the conversations, smile with your heart and revel in the presence of being surrounded by so many beautiful beings.

Best of luck to you!
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