Severe Insecurities might ruin relationship and career

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    So a few weeks ago I posted my experience about how my girlfriend and I became a couple. The relationship is amazing so far, but there is something that threatens this relationship and that is my insecurities. It’s getting to a point where I’m questioning whether I should just spare her all the inevitable drama despite everything going great, by breaking up with her.

    Here is what I’m talking about:

    It bothers me just to know that I was her 5th boyfriend and that she is my first.

    I get jealous over little things: She told me that a guy friend is going to teach her how to ride a motorcycle and I was immediately paralyzed with jealousy. I managed to play it cool and just say “Oh cool.” but inside I was incapacitated with jealousy and already thinking that she is cheating on me.

    I’m also paranoid about the guys at her work. We use to work at the same place and I happen to know that some of the guys there are interested in her. My head is already imagining the worst case scenario where she has a secret relationship with one of them that I don’t know about.

    So far, I have been able to hide these insecurities from her but I’m really afraid that i will eventually explode. I’ve battled with jealousy my whole life with potential romantic partners and it has always ruined the relationship. I’m so bothered that after all these years, nothing has changed with me. It sucks really bad because now it’s affecting my focus and motivation at work. I’m currently writing this while I’m on the clock!

    How do I overcome this? I really want to keep my great relationship with my girlfriend as well as continue to be focused and motivated at work. How can I manage my anxieties and insecurity issues? Is my relationship with her doomed? I’m so depressed that I might loose my girlfriend and my great career success just because I have deep insecurity issues I never worked on. I need help!



    Hi Lester,

    Always seems to be things to learn. At least that’s my experience. I think it’s great how you’ve been grappling with different relationship issues.

    Ultimately, you may want to get to a place where you can discuss your insecurities with your partner. However, at the level of intensity you’re describing, now may not be the time. Ultimately the goal of sharing is so that she will know you better and know your vulnerabilities better, and if she is a loving woman, she will respond with sensitivity and understanding – however, it is not her responsibility to make you feel better. That’s on you, which is great news, because you can do something about you.

    Suppose you lose your girlfriend, or she cheats on you. What would that mean to you? (To be clear, from what you said, I see no reason to suspect that she’s leaving you – I’m just asking a question for thinking purposes…)




    Dear Lester:

    You may have to take a break from the relationship, if it threatens your career. If you choose to continue the relationship, I do agree with you that you need help. Unfortunately, you need more help that you can get here, on this website. I believe you need a competent, capable psychotherapist to help you regulate your emotions, to start, so that you are not overwhelmed by jealousy and such.

    Seek such professional help as soon as possible, please.


    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by anita.

    Hello there Lester,

    I agree with Anita that you should seek counseling, however i do think it’s safe to discuss some ideas here as well. Jealousy is a tricky emotion. It often comes to us in a way that is sudden, and powerfully overwhelming, and this makes it a very difficult emotion to maintain control over. However, one thing in particular that you mentioned makes me believe that your jealousy is not out of your control, which was:

    “The relationship is amazing so far, but there is something that threatens this relationship and that is my insecurities.”

    Right here, you are acknowledging your own issue. The very first step to solving any sort of emotional response that effects your life negatively, is being able to recognize the source of that issue. But this acknowledgement is actually a really big one; regardless of who you are with, this is a problem that will follow you. So even if you break up with the partner you have now, you will have to face the same issues later down the line, if you choose to date again, because it is not your partner that is the problem. You did acknowledged that your relationship is amazing, which tells me that you do value this person. With that in mind, and also the fact that this problem will have to be acknowledged and actively worked on at some point in time if you wish to have a meaningful relationship with anyone in the future, I definitely advise seeking help from a professional.

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