December 5, 2017 at 12:56 pm #180657
So in Feb. 2017 my husband of ten years confessed that for the last several years of our marriage he had been screwing hookers. I was (& still is ) devastated. It’s hard to comprehend. In fact, that may never happen for me. Once he revealed this, then more came out. He’s been seeing hookers for 32 years, his very first time was with a hooker and then there’s the excess porn use. This was a dark secret that only he knew. I talked to his life long friends, family, everyone was shocked. He fooled all of us. He played the part so well that he was this nice, upstanding, kind person but he’s not.
I’ve been getting all kinds of help at different levels and it has shed light on a lot, but I just don’t know what I’m suppose to do with all the hurt inside me. I did kick him out of the house when he told me and I am in the process of divorce which is moving along pretty good. I just wish I was too.
I live in a small city so the resources are limited. There’s no support groups for this and I’ve been told that it has happened here before but no one wants to talk about it cause they’re embarrassed.
I’m open to positive feedback. Thanks.December 6, 2017 at 7:21 am #180797
I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain. I would like to understand it better:
You wrote that “he played the part so well… that he was this nice, upstanding, kind person but he’s not”- is he none of these things, not kind at all? Do you believe that everything about him was a lie?
anitaDecember 7, 2017 at 9:30 am #180943
That’s a good question, I had to think about that and will continue to do so Anita. But here is my answer today. I do believe he is a hustler. He really is all about himself. He is a narcissist through and through. He doesn’t do things out of the goodness of his heart, he does things cause it will benefit him internally or externally in the world. Thanks for the thought provoking question.
cherriDecember 7, 2017 at 9:57 am #180959
I think you nailed it, and in so doing, gave a great succinct definition of a narcissist. His violation of your love & trust (in such a massive way) is no reflection on you. It is all about him. As for your healing and moving on, it is necessary to let go of the dreams you have for the two of you. You keep those dreams, but save them for someone far more deserving. Give yourself love, kindness and compassion. Surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you. Now that you know the truth about your soon to be ex, you are free. You no longer have to question your own instincts or intuitions (they were likely spot on). You no longer have to cling to the false image he projected in the beginning. You will likely feel grief as you mourn the concept of him, but since that version of him was a facade, you have truly lost nothing. Even better, you have gained hope and the opportunity for a bright and truly loving future. Wishing you much self love and healing.December 7, 2017 at 10:15 am #180963
The man may be dishonest through and through, as you suspect him to be, I don’t know.
My comment is regarding what you wrote here: “he does things cause it will benefit him internally or externally”- every human being does things because it will benefit him/her internally. Your sentence that I quoted is true for every human being.
You may have meant that he has no empathy for others, that he doesn’t do anything motivated by empathy and instead, he is a coldly manipulative person, calculated, like a computer, with no regard to hurting others. Is that what you mean?
I wonder what was his motivation in telling you about his sexual practices, and if it was a coldly manipulative sharing, what was his intended benefit and did he achieve it.
anitaDecember 7, 2017 at 5:35 pm #181015
Thank you A4U! You sound like one of my dearest friends. She too is wise.
Thanks Anita, but that’s not what I meant. But your paragraph does describe him. You are right, we humans do things that will benefit ourselves but his intention is where things differ. He’s sneaky, so what might look and or seem like a nice gesture, turns out to be a calculated move on his part. Hope that makes sense. He wasn’t motivated at all in telling me, I came home unexpectedly & caught him on his phone doing porn. Which just set up a whole bunch of red flags. And that was the start of the end. Thanks cherriDecember 8, 2017 at 4:01 am #181053
Clearly he is a dishonest man and you were indeed betrayed. It is overwhelming to realize retroactively how long you have been betrayed and didn’t know it. I asked questions and wondered about his motivations because I am curious about human motivation, but what matters most is indeed your “shattered heart” and how to heal it.
You wrote that you talked to his family and friends and they were all shocked. This means they now know, and if they don’t deny the truth, they will keep being aware of what you shared with them and he will no longer be able to pretend with them. Exposing him this way is one way to heal, at least in part.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaDecember 8, 2017 at 8:43 am #181093
Cherri, you are very welcome. Wishing you much healing, love and joy now and in the future.