Dear Peter266:

You shared that a woman who lived with you left you three weeks ago, and now lives with another man. At first, she told you that the two of you “had no future” and that she “didn’t want to be with” you.

The next day, she told you that she will be living with the other man “until she finishes school” because your apartment is “too small and it was impossible to learn here”, and because the other man “knows better (how to) motivate her to learn”. She told you that the man she is living with is okay with you keeping the photos of you and her on Facebook and on Instagram, and that she will marry you after she finishes her schooling.

She then proceeded to visit you and have sex with you once a week. A week ago she wanted to move back with you “only as a friend”, you said no, she begged strongly, you let her move back with you; she then changed her mind, saying “the apartment is small and she can’t learn here”.

During a trip  to the mountains this past weekend, the two of you held hands, talked about sex, she called you by your name, instead of referring to you as “love”, like before. She told you that “she wants a family.. children and home” with you, while before she didn’t want to have children with you because of your “bad genes”.

More about her state of mind, you wrote: “once she wanted to come back, once not, once she would never return and we have no future, once depressed, once she loves me.. and never leave again… and over and over again”.

She recently told you that if you “find a bigger flat. then she will come back.. she talked all day about how we will have a family, I just have to hold on until she finishes school”. The other day, she told you that she will come back to you if you “found a bigger  flat with view of high Tatras mountains” (a mountain range that forms a natural border between Slovakia and Poland), and yesterday, you indeed found a bigger flat with the view she requested, but her response was: “pay off your debts, there are more important problems right now”. She was referring to a loan you took to pay for the previous flat and for gifts for her.

Currently, she is still living with the other man and will not move with you even though you found a flat that she requested. Your heart is broken.

You asked: “What is it about?”

My best answer based on the information you provided: I think that she wants to launch a career and make good money, and for that, she needs to finish her schooling. Completing her schooling is her number one priority.

Her problem is where to live while attending school. She can’t pay for an apartment on her own. It may be that she figures that if she gets a job while going to school, she will have less time and energy to study, so she wants a man to pay for an apartment while she invests most of her time and energy to her schooling.

Currently, she has two options regarding where to live: she can live with you or with the other guy. Neither option is good-enough for her. She was unhappy with your flat being too small and noisy, making studying difficult. She is unhappy about you being in debt, and not having more available cash and financial resources. She is unhappy with the other guy, probably because he doesn’t have enough money either. She is unhappy with you, and she is unhappy with him for financial and for other reasons.

She feels that she has to provide you and the other guy with sex so that you and/ or him pays for the apartment where she lives, and for some other expenses, I am guessing. So she provides that exchange to the two of you.

Because she is unhappy with you, and with him, and because she currently does not have a third option/ man, and because she is afraid that if one man kicks her out, she will have no place to go to- she tries to motivate you to be that option she needs you to be by telling you that she wants to marry you and have children with you. She probably motivates the other guy to remain her options by telling him what she thinks he wants to hear, whatever it may be.

“What is it about?”- it is about money; it is about her need for a living arrangement that will allow her to focus on her studies and get a good paying job after she graduates.

“Is it possible that she will come back and it will be true or it is only a game?”- I think that it is very possible that she will soon move into your new flat- as soon as she is very unhappy with the other guy, yet again. I think it’s a matter of time.

I don’t think that her goal is to hurt you or the other guy. I think that her goal is to live someplace comfortable and finish school, and that she doesn’t think honesty is an option for her. She feels that to get what she needs, she has to pretend, to mislead, to have sex with a man.. what you referred to as playing “a game”.

I think that the right thing for her, for her own well-being, as well as yours, is that of an honest communication between the two of you.

Is my answer and suggestion making sense to you, at this point?

anita

Dear Peter266:

You are welcome.

“I won’t play a game, who has better that or that”- I didn’t think about this  before I read this sentence I just quoted. The game you were referring to is her trying to motivate you to compete with the other guy for the prize, the prize being her.

“I am a human too, not stuff for one use”- you stated it so very well, you are a human, not stuff to be used. I like the way you phrased it. All of us humans have to be careful: to not use others as if they were stuff/ things, and to not be used by others, as if were were stuff.

Instead-  treat each other with honesty, respect and human dignity.

“So where is the love? It is only about using me… All about her, only her, whole world is rotating around her and her needs”- yes, I agree. There is no love in selfishness and self-centeredness.

And she failed two semesters, “who was guilty?”- she is. She would have had more energy to study if she was honest with you, and/ or if she took a job to support herself financially instead of playing two guys for financial support.

She tried to make her life easier by having guys support her, but instead, she made her life more difficult by becoming so upset, moving in and out, exhausting herself playing two guys. The result:  she failed two semesters, and lost the tuition money paid for those two semesters, if I understand correctly.

anita

Dear Peter266:

She doesn’t know it, but she is hurting herself behaving the way she does. She has also been hurting you- she knows this part (that she is hurting you)- but she doesn’t care.

Don’t you wish to love a woman that cares about you and for you, who wants what’s good for you (?)

anita

Dear Peter266:

You express yourself clearly and honestly. Your understanding of yourself and of her is impressive. You understand that “it is not possible to build future (house, child, trust) with somebody like her”, but you also understand that you are not able, emotionally and practically, “to burn bridges with her, (to) cut her off completely”.

To become emotionally stronger and able to do what is right for you, whatever it may be- don’t pressure yourself in any way, don’t say to yourself: I should cut her off completely. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself, just as you would be to a young child who is scared and so very sad.

Life would be easy if we understood something logically and then acted according to logic, but we are not strictly logical creatures, like robots. As humans, we are primarily emotional beings, we are motivated by emotion.

Best is to combine logic and emotion so to make good choices, but.. that takes time and gentle effort, every day- to see what is true to reality and to be less and less afraid of what we see.

You are welcome to post here anytime, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita

Dear Peter266:

I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.

anita