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She replaced me with other man, but she wants a family with me in future

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  • #369069
    Peter266
    Participant

    : She left me 3 weeks ago, moved away, now she lives with someone else. She said we had no future and she just didn’t want to be with me. The next day she said, that it will be only for a while and then I could marry her. Explain me this behavior to me, because it’s too much. **.

    – she wants to be with someone else until she finishes school, she said, that he know better motivate her to learn and our housing was small and it was impossible to learn here
    – She said that I can have our photos on facebook and instagram where we are together, they are nice and he doesn’t mind.
    – she comes to me about once a week, we slept together once and had fun with sex games,
    – one week ago she wanted to move back only as a friend, I said no because she is with another man, she begged strongly, I let her come, she came in the morning but she moved away the rest of things, and said that she changed her mind that the apartment is small and she can’t learn here ,
    – we was on a trip in mountains this weekend, we hold hands, we are together all day, we talk about our sex, but she doesn’t want to kiss and she calls me by name, when we were together in relationship she always called me “love”.
    – During this weekend she said that in half a year, when she finishes school, she wants a family with me, children and home … Until now, she did not want children with me because I have bad genes, Now I am beautiful and children will be too. hmmm….
    – she turned her mind a few times, once she wanted to come back, once not, once that she would never return and we have no future, once depressed, once she loves me and she will return within a few days and never leave again, then no more.
    – Once this and then somethong alse, and over and over again
    – I have to find a bigger flat and then she will come back, she talked all day about how we will have a family, I just have to hold on until she finishes school

    What is it about?
    Is possible that she will come back and it will be true or it is only a game?

    Yesterday she said that she will come back if I found bigger flat with view of high Tatras mountains. I found that flat today. I have sended her photos of that flat, is amazing. But she wrote: pay off your debts, there are more important problems right now….

    I have some loans, 4000€ . And I took that money when we were moving to flat and we needed stuff. And I bought some gifts for her..

    My heart is broken cause she is with him. And wanted her back in our flat. But she don’t want even though I found the flat .

    I know you are right, but I don’t know how let her go from my heart.

    #369193
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    You shared that a woman who lived with you left you three weeks ago, and now lives with another man. At first, she told you that the two of you “had no future” and that she “didn’t want to be with” you.

    The next day, she told you that she will be living with the other man “until she finishes school” because your apartment is “too small and it was impossible to learn here”, and because the other man “knows better (how to) motivate her to learn”. She told you that the man she is living with is okay with you keeping the photos of you and her on Facebook and on Instagram, and that she will marry you after she finishes her schooling.

    She then proceeded to visit you and have sex with you once a week. A week ago she wanted to move back with you “only as a friend”, you said no, she begged strongly, you let her move back with you; she then changed her mind, saying “the apartment is small and she can’t learn here”.

    During a trip  to the mountains this past weekend, the two of you held hands, talked about sex, she called you by your name, instead of referring to you as “love”, like before. She told you that “she wants a family.. children and home” with you, while before she didn’t want to have children with you because of your “bad genes”.

    More about her state of mind, you wrote: “once she wanted to come back, once not, once she would never return and we have no future, once depressed, once she loves me.. and never leave again… and over and over again”.

    She recently told you that if you “find a bigger flat. then she will come back.. she talked all day about how we will have a family, I just have to hold on until she finishes school”. The other day, she told you that she will come back to you if you “found a bigger  flat with view of high Tatras mountains” (a mountain range that forms a natural border between Slovakia and Poland), and yesterday, you indeed found a bigger flat with the view she requested, but her response was: “pay off your debts, there are more important problems right now”. She was referring to a loan you took to pay for the previous flat and for gifts for her.

    Currently, she is still living with the other man and will not move with you even though you found a flat that she requested. Your heart is broken.

    You asked: “What is it about?”

    My best answer based on the information you provided: I think that she wants to launch a career and make good money, and for that, she needs to finish her schooling. Completing her schooling is her number one priority.

    Her problem is where to live while attending school. She can’t pay for an apartment on her own. It may be that she figures that if she gets a job while going to school, she will have less time and energy to study, so she wants a man to pay for an apartment while she invests most of her time and energy to her schooling.

    Currently, she has two options regarding where to live: she can live with you or with the other guy. Neither option is good-enough for her. She was unhappy with your flat being too small and noisy, making studying difficult. She is unhappy about you being in debt, and not having more available cash and financial resources. She is unhappy with the other guy, probably because he doesn’t have enough money either. She is unhappy with you, and she is unhappy with him for financial and for other reasons.

    She feels that she has to provide you and the other guy with sex so that you and/ or him pays for the apartment where she lives, and for some other expenses, I am guessing. So she provides that exchange to the two of you.

    Because she is unhappy with you, and with him, and because she currently does not have a third option/ man, and because she is afraid that if one man kicks her out, she will have no place to go to- she tries to motivate you to be that option she needs you to be by telling you that she wants to marry you and have children with you. She probably motivates the other guy to remain her options by telling him what she thinks he wants to hear, whatever it may be.

    “What is it about?”- it is about money; it is about her need for a living arrangement that will allow her to focus on her studies and get a good paying job after she graduates.

    “Is it possible that she will come back and it will be true or it is only a game?”- I think that it is very possible that she will soon move into your new flat- as soon as she is very unhappy with the other guy, yet again. I think it’s a matter of time.

    I don’t think that her goal is to hurt you or the other guy. I think that her goal is to live someplace comfortable and finish school, and that she doesn’t think honesty is an option for her. She feels that to get what she needs, she has to pretend, to mislead, to have sex with a man.. what you referred to as playing “a game”.

    I think that the right thing for her, for her own well-being, as well as yours, is that of an honest communication between the two of you.

    Is my answer and suggestion making sense to you, at this point?

    anita

    #369196
    Peter266
    Participant

    Hi thanks, yes big sense. I stayed in my old flat. I wanted bigger but not yet. And I won’t play a game, who has better that or that. This flat is ok for two person, she had here everything, silence – I am at work, my help with materials to teach etc… printer, good computer. I payed everything, food, rent, etc…
    She decided to leave me. I miss her, but I won’t play game like that, I am a human too, not stuff for one use.

    So she is telling me what I want to hear. That is a big truth. So where is the love? It is only about using me….
    All about her only her, whole world is rotating around her and her needs.

    She is at university, she faild two semesters. And who was guilty? Me and her family … 3 years study , for her it will by 5 years. ..

    #369199
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    You are welcome.

    “I won’t play a game, who has better that or that”- I didn’t think about this  before I read this sentence I just quoted. The game you were referring to is her trying to motivate you to compete with the other guy for the prize, the prize being her.

    “I am a human too, not stuff for one use”- you stated it so very well, you are a human, not stuff to be used. I like the way you phrased it. All of us humans have to be careful: to not use others as if they were stuff/ things, and to not be used by others, as if were were stuff.

    Instead-  treat each other with honesty, respect and human dignity.

    “So where is the love? It is only about using me… All about her, only her, whole world is rotating around her and her needs”- yes, I agree. There is no love in selfishness and self-centeredness.

    And she failed two semesters, “who was guilty?”- she is. She would have had more energy to study if she was honest with you, and/ or if she took a job to support herself financially instead of playing two guys for financial support.

    She tried to make her life easier by having guys support her, but instead, she made her life more difficult by becoming so upset, moving in and out, exhausting herself playing two guys. The result:  she failed two semesters, and lost the tuition money paid for those two semesters, if I understand correctly.

    anita

    #369213
    Peter266
    Participant

    Hi 🙂 Yes, she has to pay extra two semesters. Now she is ending the last one. So I am curious if she now finish it..

    In february this year she cheated me with some another Poland guy. It had been 3 weeks, then she came back. She slept in his flat but didn’t move with her staff from my flat. The last week of the three weeks she had paralel relationship with me and with him. This situation is similiar but now she moved all her things and it is longer.
    When I figured out, she ended it with him. But 2 month ago she started write with him again. We argued about that and she said that he is her friend and always will be.

    She always knew what can make me the happiest, but she always knew what can hurt me the most way. And she used it, as needed.

    #369214
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    She doesn’t know it, but she is hurting herself behaving the way she does. She has also been hurting you- she knows this part (that she is hurting you)- but she doesn’t care.

    Don’t you wish to love a woman that cares about you and for you, who wants what’s good for you (?)

    anita

    #369261
    Peter266
    Participant

    Hi, yes that is my big wish. Yes, she doesn’t care. She care only about herself.
    She gave me what I had needed. So I loved her so much. I would have done everything for her. I lost my freedom. I could’t have friends. She was jalous of my friends, even men. I couldn’t go to trip with my old friends.
    On the other hand she could do anything with anybody.

    It is not possible build future (house, child, trust) with somebody like her. I wanted, so much, but maybe her new partner saved me. Who knows. But now I am scared, thad her new relationship will faild, and she will come back.

    I am still NOT able to burn bridges with her. Cut her off completly.

    She still has keys from my flat, some stuff here, I have her photo still in my wallet, photos on social media, she still can come when she want here, I don’t have enough strenght to end it completly :/. It is still fresh.

    #369262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    You express yourself clearly and honestly. Your understanding of yourself and of her is impressive. You understand that “it is not possible to build future (house, child, trust) with somebody like her”, but you also understand that you are not able, emotionally and practically, “to burn bridges with her, (to) cut her off completely”.

    To become emotionally stronger and able to do what is right for you, whatever it may be- don’t pressure yourself in any way, don’t say to yourself: I should cut her off completely. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself, just as you would be to a young child who is scared and so very sad.

    Life would be easy if we understood something logically and then acted according to logic, but we are not strictly logical creatures, like robots. As humans, we are primarily emotional beings, we are motivated by emotion.

    Best is to combine logic and emotion so to make good choices, but.. that takes time and gentle effort, every day- to see what is true to reality and to be less and less afraid of what we see.

    You are welcome to post here anytime, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

    #369325
    Peter266
    Participant

    I removed her photo from my wallet. Day by day she is more and more away from my heart. I feel lonely sometimes, but it is ok. She has still furniture in my flat. Most of furniture, refrigerator, washing machine belong to her. It is from her own flat. I have almost empty flat without her stuff. So I do not know what to do. Her flat is 70 km away. She said that I can have and use that stuff in my flat. But I can’t completly cutt her off my live, with that stuff in my flat. But I am scared what if she will want to come back, what if her new man kick her from his flat, who knows. I love my freedom I got without her.
    I am scared too, if I will cut her off from my live immediately, she will want to come back, or she will try some manipulation.

    #369332
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #369346
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter266:

    Reads like you are held hostage by her, that she is keeping you as an option by keeping her furniture, refrigerator and washing machine (appliances) in your flat. Furniture and appliances are not a fair exchange for Freedom!

    “Day by day she is more and more away from my heart”- she moving away from your heart is a good thing for your mental health. But her furniture and appliances also need to be moved away from your flat.

    “I can’t completely cut her off my life, with that stuff in  my flat”- then get that stuff our of your flat. What is the use of paying rent for a flat in which you are a prisoner of her stuff…

    “Her flat is 70 km away”- pack all her personal stuff (clothes and whatnot) into boxes, call her and let her know that you need all her stuff out of your flat. If she tells you that she doesn’t want to collect her stuff, you can offer to pay for a truck to transfer the stuff 70 km to her place, or to a storage unit.

    Of course, you will have to buy a few minimal pieces of furniture, a refrigerator (there are very small refrigerators that may suit you as a single person), and a washing machine if there are no public washing machines where you live. And you will need to change the locks to your flat because she has a key to it. But all this will be worth it for you because.. every man (and woman) is Born to be Free- not to enslave or be enslaved by another.

    anita

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