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Should I accept him?

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  • April 30, 2018 at 7:48 pm #204981
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    I met my boyfriend in school. We were best friends. We had a great friendship and we always teased each other. Somehow we both got really close over time and fell in love. He asked me out and I said yes. We dated for an year. We were crazy about each other. We made the most of everything we got and we hardly ever fought. He told me I was the first girl he truly loved and he would never leave me and wanted to marry me.

    He is an only son and the culture we are from the eldest son is the bread winner of the family. His parents are old and uneducated. He has 2 unmarried sisters and a divorced aunt all of whom he has to provide for. His mom is controlling and wanted to pick a wife for him but he fell for me and told her he wanted to be with me. She didn’t like the idea and tried to force him to break up with me. He was fighting with his family all the time to be with me.

    After months of fighting his mom said she had accepted me. She called my family and acted like she was ok with me. We were about to get married. When she saw that both sides were working out well she started to create a fuss on small issues. She gave her son the ultimatum that it was her or me. He comes from a poor family with a lot of complications. He finally called me and said he couldn’t marry me and his family came first and that it was over.

    Now a week after this his friend told me he is sad and not doing too well. There might be a chance he could talk to both our families to see the misunderstandings and work them out. But now he says I need to be willing to make it work and talk to my parents. He didn’t take a stand for me and I told him its up to him if he wants it he should fight for me. He says I am wrong to say that and I should work on it too. All my friends say I shouldn’t take him back because he didn’t take a stand. I feel weak and I want to take him back because I love him. What should I do?

    May 1, 2018 at 2:57 am #205013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    You wrote, “He didn’t take a stand for me… he should fight for me”-

    but he did take a stand and he did fight for you. You wrote that he “told her (his mother) he wanted to be with me… He was fighting with his family all the time to be with me”. Telling his mother that he wanted to be with you is taking a stand. Fighting “all the time” is a lot of fighting that he did so to be with you.

    Unfortunately, because of the culture, and because a child is so powerfully influenced by what parents tell the child at an early age, his mother’s input is very powerful. He got tired fighting.

    His mother, it seems, at one point gave in to her son.. somewhat, not whole heartedly. There may be a chance to convince her. Maybe. If you are able, if you have what it takes to withstand the distress involved, then maybe you should cooperate with the man to win the acceptance of his family.

    But only if you are able, if you are able to fight this battle and if the two of you are very likely to make a good team in life.

    (I would suggest that he abandons false responsibilities to his family of origin, free himself from this breadwinner role, marry who he chooses, when he chooses… but I am aware of how unlikely this is to happen, how powerful parents are, and I am aware somewhat of the culture).

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 4:40 am #205029
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Pineapple,

    I agree with everything Anita wrote.  Your boyfriend fought for you and stood up to his mother and family for you.  You are getting a good view of what life will be like with your boyfriend’s family if you and your boyfriend try to work things out.

    I think it is entirely possible for you and your boyfriend to work things out, and be happy together, but it has to begin with a) your boyfriend being autonomous from his family and b) the two of you deciding what the boundaries will be with his family – specifically his mother.  The title of your post asks “Should I Accept Him?” but what you really need to ask yourself is if you can accept his family and the dynamics that come with it.

    For you, your boyfriend is like finding a ruby among a pile of debris, made up of stones, sand, dirt, garbage.  The situation you have here is that you can carry the ruby with you, but you must also take the debris surrounding it and carry it with you everywhere, every day, unless you and your boyfriend make some drastic changes to eliminate the debris or at least carve a very clear boundary around it.  The deeper the boundary, the better.

    Airene

    May 1, 2018 at 7:05 am #205067
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    Thank you for the great advice. I am just afraid it is too late to work things out now. My family is now against his family. I want things to work out but he wants me to live with his mom or close to her. I made it clear I wanted things to work but I would like my privacy but since he has to support his family he can have her live in another house close to us once we are financially strong enough.

    I just want him to be able to support me when his mom talks against me. I am really really confused. I have been given a month to think about this. My friends say I should not be thinking about it at all and let go. I am trying to move ahead but I cant stop thinking about him. I am from a wealthy family and he isn’t, but I never took that as a negative. I feel love is enough for two people to live a happy life but I fear he will always choose his mom over me.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by pineapplegirl.
    May 1, 2018 at 7:30 am #205075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    Reads to me at this point, that better that you do move on from this relationship, that you let it go. Living with his mother, or living close to her, having her in your life on a regular basis reads to me like a bad plan. I see her attacking you covertly if not overtly, indirectly, if not directly and I see him expecting you to live with it. Not a good plan. Not at all.

    And so, I join your friends in recommending that you indeed place this relationship in your past. Long term, you will feel better for it, much better.

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 8:07 am #205077
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    I don’t know how to move on. I thought I had finally found someone worth spending the rest of my life with. I am under a lot of pressure to marry. The society is unkind. I just do not want to think about any man because I am really sad right now. I see him everywhere and miss him and everything about him. He is for me one of those guys I have a really hard time getting over especially because despite everything we were happy together.

    May 1, 2018 at 8:43 am #205085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    There is no easy solution at the moment, is there. Whatever you choose there is some misery to follow: if you do manage to marry this man, there will be the misery of his mother in your life and his support of his mother. If you don’t marry him, there is the society’s pressure to marry, judging you negatively for not being married. You may then rush to marry someone else, and that may not be a good  marriage.

    I  would say best for you  is to not rush to a solution at the moment. Think and evaluate the situation over time, best you can. Perhaps you being of a wealthy family can be useful for you, maybe counseling will help, counseling with a qualified person who is very aware of the culture and all that is involved.

    anita

    May 1, 2018 at 9:29 am #205103
    pineapplegirl
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thankyou for the advice. I agree I feel a pressure over me to make a quick decision when what I really need is time to think about it which I will. Thankyou so much!

    May 1, 2018 at 10:07 am #205115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pineapplegirl:

    You are welcome. I hope you take your time and post again.

    anita

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