Dear Anita,

Thank you so so much for reading, considering everything and writing me back. It means a lot that somebody I do not know personally would take the time to do this for a stranger. My native tongue is not English, so my English is a little broken. I will call this guy A., for convenience.
In your first message, you mentioned he might not be open enough for my…quirky character and interests. It is true, this is one of the fears I had and might have felt underlying. Weird thing is, I myself have always been a mix of traditional (through upbringing) and creative I guess, but that means I never knew what man to look for – if they are creative they are not traditional enough (culturally/politically speaking), and the other way around. At least, that’s how I experienced it.
Yes…it sounds like you are able to look through his and my ‘masks’! Funny and weird how we both have such opposite masks. I’m afraid though I have scared him away, by telling him I found his behaviour disrespectful and very judgmental – I guess he won’t feel safe with me, now – and that may be one of the reasons he’ll never come back. He blocked me….I wonder if that truly means this is the end. I guess it is. Anyway, despite his mask, I felt so familiar, so soon, wth him. At least, emotionally I guess, not in terms of interests. I’m so sorry I did not take the time to explore this futher….he said he thought I had commitment issues, and that he hismelf learned he needed to take time getting to know someone, and that risks were involved, to get hurt. I wonder if he went through that before me – discarding people too quickly for superficial reasons. He wanted to go slow – ‘so he could see if he would fall in love with someone’. What I did not tell you before, that strangely enough, this guy’s character is so much like my older brother’s (hope that does not sound weird), but my brother and I completed and needed each other, growing up, being opposites – I calmed him (he aslo has ADHD), and he pushed me to go out and dare more. Anyway, with A., I felt so…I don’t know, the need to care for him emotionally. He was so endearing to me, somehow. However fierce/harsh he came across. It felt like I felt underneath, he was not like that. Maybe even a little helpless in his behaviour. I never told him this ofc, but I did ay to him that I felt, as we say in Dutch “he only has a small heart”, meaning, he may have a harsh exterior, but he is actually soft on the inside. He said it may be true, but he would only show me when we were alone. I cannot tell for sure if I was right about what I wrote about his thoughts, since I have only known him for such a short time (4 weeks)…but it sounds likely. It struck me why and how early on and often he mentioned that he, being a man, was not supposed to be vulnerable in public, and certainly not cry. This was something all the men in his home acted like (brother and father). A. was critical of men who would cry in public. I believe he even asked me what I thought if I would see a man doing that. I told him that I dis not mind, and would even feel the urge to hug the guy, haha – I myself do not mind crying in public, I do it (too) easily really – I don’t see it as a weakness -I always feel, that even if you hide it, you will still feel it. He corrected me, saying people will think you are weak if you do, and might use it against you. He said he was brought up harshly, he fought against his parents a lot in his youth, and against teachers as well (I never did, effectively skipped puberty….and only now try and set boundaries with my parents). I guess he has trouble with authority – I once read, that children brought up very strictly, tend to lack empathy and have aggression issues as adults, and have difficulty with authority. i saw it all refelcted in him too. He has a very fierce mother, and a strict father, who would occasionally grab his face as a way to discipline him. This sounded A LOT like my own upbringing, though my mother is much softer. We were both brought up in a traditional family, he had some noble ancestry, and refined manners, despite his heated character, and mine isn’t nobility, but still, sort of classic/traditional. It struck me how A. told me about the many interactions he had with colleagues, neighbours, or (past) friends, who he hurt with his direct and sometimes angry way of speaking, he tried to reason with if he thought they did something illogical, inauthentic or, the lack of time he sometimes spent on them. He said once he had friends he had not seen for years, but he liked them still the same. He said that he always felt annoyed, or could not understand, ‘women on the dating apps want men with empathy’. He said he had little empathy – I wonder if this is true. Yes he talked a lot about himself, he liked people who do not care too much for the rules, liked Rick from Rick and Morty, not an empath himself, and A. was into direct communication and disliked people ‘who beat around the bush’. But that is actually how I usually talk. I really liked his type though, as I lack boundaries, am way too soft…but simply bc I am afraid people will leave me as I don’t. At the same time, I think if I showed who I truly was, I guess I am not that soft at all (though I guess not harsh either). He said to me, while we were still dating, that he had his doubts about me, but that he really liked my softness, and if I lacked other things, he did not care, as long as I was soft. But on other occasions he said there was more to me than just softness. He said he needed that. He seemed to… I don’t know, sort of discuss and fight in his own head, and tell me out loud, the things he weighed against eachother, concerning me. Kind of uncomfortable at times: : the pros and cons, that if I would be as fierce as him, and agitated he would constantly be in a fight in his relationship. But I thought maybe he was unsure if he felt he needed that stormy energy anyways – he mentioned he needed someone who stood up to him. I only showed a very meek part of myself, although he said I was stubborn, which he needed at the very least. He said I was calming to him – I do think that generally I am calm, though I can be very anxious too, but I guess compared to his ADHD and competitiveness, it was calming. He did call me “weird girl” two times, even though in Dutch the word can also mean something like funny, though it did not sound so positive in his tone. That reinforced the insecurity I already felt with him.

Yes, you migth be right, he always seemed to feel he had to prove himself somehow. He said his brother earned more money, but he would not like his brother’s lifestyle. He mentioned in his past, there were girls who liked him, but he simply was not aware that he was a guy they might like. He often mentioned exes, I should have asked why as it made me uneasy – but he often seemed to compare me to them, out loud in moments. I was not sure if I could trust him – he had said he got bored with girls soon in the past, and prefered playing a game with friends over watching a movie with his gf, unless other things would be involved. This was a general remark though. He sounded sort of negative about women at times, I wonder why. He did mention he had problems getting/keeping a gf. Sounded somewhat afraid to be used by women, I guess.

I wish I had know all the things you mentioned before meeting him, that iot may simply have been his insecurities, and mine, I really do, cause you may be right, what if his rationality was his way of protecting himself? But I wonder, why would he have felt the need to stuff away feelings, or not feel them? Do you really that could be his reason? I’m just curious, never though of it that way. He did say, that if I would keep pulling away, he would not feel safe enough to let his guard down. He even asked me ‘to please not stop dating him’, which brings tears to my eyes when I think of it. I wish I had not…why did I..I should niot have thought I could have found someone more interesting. I was too afraid to speak up, set boundaries – I was afraid he would leave me if I did. But we could have madethings better I guess, if I did. He picked so many fights, he often was annoyed with people’s ignorance on things it seemed. He said he loved authenticity – the fact that people could be interested in pseudoscience like MBTI, astrology or even psychology, just because it got popular in recent years, he could not understand he said. I once asked him if he would visit a castle with me, I like it because it makes me dream – he said he would go, but it would not be something he would pick himself – the castle I mentioned had been renovated – he said he would constantly be criticizing the fakeness if the castle. So I asked him, if he could keep that to himself, for my sake, if we would go – since I like the castle so much? He said he might not be able to. Interesting, how again he seems to need to comment on the authenticity. Do you really think he saw my interest in imagination as something vulnerable? I never thought of it that way – he did sound sort of ‘mocking’ when I said I was into fairytales. He was into Studio Ghibli himself, which are cute anime’s. He proposed to watch it together, and since I liked fairytales he proposed to watch Spirited Away. So he did look for similarities, if only I had seen. He once mentioned a memory he had, being a young boy, being lost in thought, playing with some insect. If I am not mistaken, he said he was actually someone like that, distracted, maybe dreaming? Im not sure if I recall this correctly though.

Again, this is a mix of memories, feelings regrets…thanks anyway. I am just a bit lost, after 3 months still. Wish I would have been more ready, for someone as different but interesting like him – it would have meant stepping over my own insecurities, and maybe I could npt, at the time. I wish the saying were true, if its’ meant to be, it will be. I don’t know if it is…after blocking, it sounds very unlikely someone would change his mind. Even if he said he never had such fun with someone before. He might find someone similar in that regard, of course. I’m just so angr with myself…I always flee when I feel like I canmnot live up to someone’s standards, wheteher it’s a job, a person – I don’t take chancces that way, and stick with known and safe. It’s a shame, this horrible insecurity.

Thanks so much, again!

Dear Anita,

Thank you. I never expected he would hid so many things. I could not see it in the moment. He just looked a little harsh on the surface, but I think I did feel the tenderness underneath, in the emotional connection we shared. He did seem conscious of the influence of his behaviour on others, as he told me about the regrets he had, the people he hurt in the past – he told me he was always afraid to disappoint people, that’s one reason why he did not want to plan phonecalls (like I prefered) bc he would forget the appointment due to his ADHD and then feel very sorry for it. I wonder what his communication would have looked like if his emotions were more free, as he said, after he would have let his gard down. Now we mostly spoke politics or science, as he prefered. I remember him being very competitive in sharing knowldege, even with me. Or about jobs even. I once told him I did not want to compete, as he was my lover, and therefore I would be on his side anyways (at least, not want to show myself being better than him). As you said, I’d like someone who understands me, to be honest, maybe even that is a reflection of my insecurity – if they undersatdn me, they won’t judge me as much and leave me. I have come to understand that it’s kind of hard to find someone who is really similar and I feel attracted too, I generally prefer a guy a little more tough than me. So strange how things work.
I was wondering – would you think it wise to write him a letter after he blocked me? I think I would be violating his boundaries – he asked me for distance after I broke up with him, and I did not respect it – I even called him after he blocked me. Still, I regert telling him I found the way he discussed in that last fight disrespectful and very judgmental, as those are things he was already afraid of poeple judged him for, so I may have hurt him bad, resulting in him not trusting me. Also, I guess he does not know my rejection of him was mostly due to my own underlying problems, not him per se. I did send him a message it was mostly my own struggles, and not him. He did not react. It did hurt me he talked mostly of himself all the time, and when I mentioned things I liked, he not always reacted to it. He explained that due to his ADHD, he was interetsed in things another person said, and that made him think of his own things, which he shared. He was criticized by exes for talking so much about himself. I feel sorry for him too, having been through so much, the space he did not get for sharing emotions. He said, women were the ones to give this to men, that would be a perfect balance. Maybe this was all an excuse to not have to show them himself. He did tell me he always had big, emotions, he liked them – but maybe they were on the inside. He said he only wanted a relationship if he would be crazy about the person, loved her deeply – otherwise he rather stay alone with his dog. He loved fantasy store for the big, compelling lives of the heroes but also the big feelings he found in them.

Thank you for your offer for writing a letter to myself, that sounds good. Would you really not mind taking that time for me? If I can do something for you in return, let me know please!

Dear Anita, thank you, what a truly beautiful and special person you are, to share all your thoughts and kindness so selflessly. It means so much, and really helps me that someone is listening and helping me.
I have written a letter below. It ismlong again, apologies. It is a little mess of words, but anyways. I have cried a lot during the process, but hopefully this will help me. I have used our real names, not our second name initials this time. It felt better.

—

Dear Philip,

I truly regret the way things worked out for us while we were dating. It was me who broke things off, and I am still so deeply hurt that I did. We only dated for a short time, about 4 weeks, but it has been very meaningful to me, and if I were in a better place mentally, and had taken the time to really get to know you, I really think we could have made a good and interesting pair. ‘Interesting’, because of how different we may have looked on the surface, but I think we may have been more similar on the inside. You mentioned you anger was a shiedl, but so was my softness/kindness. How I wish I could have taken the time to get to know your inside as well, but it seems you were one of beautiful chances of my life I have robbed myself of, due to patterns deep within me. I rejected you a few times, this had nothing to do with you, but I just did not value myself enough te be chosen by you. I guess I could not accept that you chose me, as I thought myself unworthy. It is such a shame I have hurt you (and myself) in the process. I just could not see how you could like me, so I fled. But I felt so close to you, somehow. I felt deeply already, and speak about the emotional connection I already felt with you. I tend to feel things very early on, and I don’t know if this has to do with my attechment style, you mentioned as well that you wanted t continue with me, despite your friends’ hesitations. I somehow interpreted this as that it meant something for you too.

Our first date took 8 hours – this is something I have not experienced before. Talking with you was so easy, it was as if I knew you already, and I think it is true that I knew your ‘type’. We had similar political views, views on society, how difficilt it can be to live with ADHD, and all the people that misundersand you. I am so so sorry that in the end I accused you of the same things regarding your communication style, which others have accused you of before. I think these words hurt you in the past, as you told me you could not cope with people who communicated to carefully and indirectly, and people taht could get hurt so easily. You gave me a few examples, as how you did not like people who beat around the bush, your likeing for French people, as they communicated so clearly, something others might interepret as rude (not to generalize). Anyway, I myself felt early on, that I recognize myself in those people who get easily hurt, and need a tender approach. So I felt weird knowing this, and feeling we may be opposites.

After our first date, you kissed me briefly goodbye, and I held your hand. Not on the cheek, as we did when we first met that afternoon, but on the lips. It made me feel you already felt a connection, as did I. It was so special. Next day we texted, and to be honest, I had a doubt, feeling myself so tall (1,80 cm) and you were a few centimeters taller, but still I felt too big next to you, whih may sound so weird, but for me it had a deeper psychological meaning,. I felt to plump, too manly,m too much, which you later on confirmed I am really not. But for me this was an old pattern, I always thought women had to be dainty. I wanted to cancel the date, and you convinced me to stay, not understanding how I could do this after we had such a good time. Once again, the texting was a little one sided, which made me doubt too – but it was also me who should have addressed this, and I am sure we could have found a way to make it work, if I dared onkly speak up and not afraid to hurt you. You got annoyed and confused, saying how you likedme holding your hand, how you thought maybe I felt things were going too well, which might have cared me of. You don’t know how much I felt comforted that you tried to understand my complicated and confusing thoughts, this has not happened to me before. So we went on a date anyways, and it was so much fun. We walked, got close and intimate, very early on, but this side showed me how kindhearted, empthetaic you really are. You said you were not – but I really think you sell yourself short in that area. You’re such a beautiful person. Yes I did feel an emotional distance, the way you talked about exes, which made me slightly uncomfortable – but again, I should have asked why you mentioned them. Was it your regret for hurting some of them, or was it to warn me for the ways they had hurt you? I know one story you told me, which was awful – the girl who accused you of something bad, only because you rejected her. And was it to tell me things you hoped of me, only you were to nice to not aks them right away? It got me confused to a point I was not sure if I could trust you to only choose me – I am sorry if I had misunderstood that. maybe it was because I was insecure already, and did not think I was enough for you. You assured me I was, everytime I hesistated and came close to breaking up with you – how I am sorry I put you through this….it was the opposite of what I wanted – yes I wanted someone to truly understand me, and the way you approached the world, through logic and in my view, maybe not valuing creativity, and quirky people (which is how I see myself) a lot, made me think maybe you had not seen this side of me yet, and I was afrid I would lose it being with you, as I tend to conform myself to my partner, out of insecurity. Now I have not known you enough to see how you really were, but the fact you called me ‘gek meisje’ (quirky/weird girl) made me fear you indeed saw me as strange. I have though about as as Ross and Phoebe from Friends. You Ross, I Phoe – the discussions they had seemed similar. He was so sure in his logical way of seeing the world, while she doubted many things. Thing is, I told you I believed all the spiritual stuff I told you – though I think there is nothing wrong with them, I do not actually believe it. Every time I am in a shop like that, I do feel the beauty of it, the calmness, but I cannot believe in it, as much as it sounds nice. We discussed astrology, that is the only thing I left open a bit, even though I also know that it is not likely planets can have this effect. The fact that you tried to convince me so hard that this was all made up, and nonsense, the MBTI, attachment theory, astrology – adn the fact that you tried to teach me things I know little about, like philosophy, and physics, made me believe maybe we were a little different. You did tell me you would not mind my interest in magic at all, as long as I did not believe it, and I would verufy my beliefs. I felt like you would not accept me as I am, and that scared me. As I told you, I was in a fase to get independent from my parents, where a similar dynamic existed. But you taught me a lot, and made me realize, that maybe you are right in saying I should use logic a bit more, and discover things and verify things. This for you has always been a big thing, I guess, that you do not like anyone to try and sell you nonsense. I really admire you for this, your independence, interesting character. The way you left all those tabs open on your computer. Writing this makes me cry, thinking of these fun memories.

As I said, if I would have been in a place where I would not be so easily hurt by conflict, would not have taken things so personally, and would have been more sur eof myselfm expecting you to accept me as I am, or leave me – I think we could have had a much longer time getting to know each other. It was just my fears – you even talked to me, about my parents, saying I should have just claimed my freedom, nobody is gonna give it to you. How right you are, I see now. I wish I had known this before, or got to know you later, if I were ready. Cause you were a guy that was more interesting than any otehr I had dated, in part beacuse you were not a safe chice for me – you challenged me, and you were intense, in the best sense of the word. Cause I am ‘inetense’ too, opinionated, bit judgmental too, I guess, these are things we were brought up in. There were so many guys that I feel did not push back enough, for my liking – you were. The more I admire a man, and feel he is out of my league, the more I run – cause I am scared of rejection. You have told me you wanted to be with me, to please not let you go, that you felt you wanted to hold me, and you did not get bored, like in the past (sounds so arrogant to say this, but these were your words) – I so regret that I threw it all away, We could have dated for three months now, just to think fo what we could have had. You and your cure, obstinate dog, we could have taken so many nice strolls. you wanted to sleep in my lap, ypu said that maybe I would have met your friends, Goos, I just could not believe you would think me worthy of this. I have been so insecure since I was young – my mum told me I was not as pretty as my sister, in school I was shy, so somehow I felt I was broing next to the outspoken girls, this is my created an inferiority comples. I guess. The guys I dated before were all ‘safe choices’, ones I thought I could handle. I thought you were too inetersting for me, you would find me boring. I even asked you this, to which you replied, that you did not, when we were intimate, but this was simply because I dared to be myself then, unafraid of what you would think of me. I am sure that I would have loosened up if we had had the time. I even told you this. I was also myself on the phone, and speaking was so easy with you, so familiar, from the first time we called. I never had this so soon with anybody – and especially no 8 hour phone calls!

I am so so sorry Philp, I wish I could go back to the time with you. I wish it for myself, and if you would have still wanted it, I wish I could have given it to you too. You gave me so many chances, and I wish I had not suffered from my issues so I had taken them, or needed only the first one you gave me. I am sure I had.I am sorry if I hyrt you with the words I used, “disresspectful” and “very judgmental” when I described how you talked with my during our last discussion. I fully understand why you do not want to date me anymore, seeing what I did to you before. I can imagine it is impossible to understand my position and acts unless you are in it, or have the same issues. It shows the opposite of my wishes – but I was so afraid of losing myself, as that was a huge theme at the moment with my family as well, I left you. I also was afraid of speaking up when something bothered me, afraid to make you leave me. The not so funny thing is, that that could have saved it. This has made me realized so many of my issues, thank you for that. This is stuff I need to work on. I know I should not hope, and I am going on with my life, as I have to, but I cannot help but wish you would ever unblosk me, and reconsider. I would be open to it if you did. Chances are minimal to none, I know, but you meant so much, and I think it could have been so beautiful. If only I did not dismiss it so casually. I truly did not know what I had, and what it could have been, if I had waited. I have not met, nor do I think I will even meet someone as special as you. I wish I could still hold you, and be with you, watch Rick and Morty as we said, in the future, and watch Ghibli together as we did. I wish you would come back to me, but doing that sounds selfish as I have given you pain and confusion. I really don’t know what came over me in ending it.

I wish you all the best, and my apologies. I hope I have not hurt you as I think I may have. You are such a beautiful person, please ignore the things I said – it was me being too easily hurt.

Bye (my) dear Philp, big big hug and kiss to you.

Emma

Dear Philip,

I truly regret the way things worked out for us while we were dating. It was me, who broke things off, and I am still so deeply hurt that I did. We only dated for a short time, about 4 weeks, but it has been very meaningful to me, and if I were in a better place mentally, and had taken the time to really get to know you, I really think we could have made a good and interesting pair. Interesting, seeing how different we may have looked on the surface, but I think we may have been more similar on the inside. How I wish I could have taken the time to confirm this, but it seems you were one of beautiful chances I have robbed myself of, sue to patterns deep within me. I rejected you a few times, this had nothing to do with you I suspect, but I just did not value myself enough te be chosen by you. It is such a shame I may hurt you (and myself) in the process. I just could not see how you could like me, so I fled. But I felt so close to you, somehow. I felt deeply already, and speak about the emotional connection I already felt with you. I tend to feel things very early on, and I don’t know if this has to do with my attechment style, you mentioned as well that you wanted t continue with me, despite your friends’ hesitations. I somehow interpreted this as that it meant something for you too.

Our first date took 8 hours – this is something I have not experienced before. Talking with you was so easy, it was as if I knew you already, and I think it is true that I knew your ‘type’. We had similar political views, views on society, how difficilt it can be to live with ADHD, and all the people that misundersand you. I am so so sorry that in the end I accused you of the same things regarding your communication style, which others have accused you of before. I think these words hurt you in the past, as you told me you could not cope with people who communicated to carefully and indirectly, and people that could get hurt so easily. You gave me a few examples, as how you did not like people who beat around the bush. Anyway, I recognized myself in those people who get easily hurt, and you did not like, but decided we ay as well try as I always liked your ability to be so clear, and you once told me, you could learn things from me too.

After our first date, you kissed me briefly goodbye, and I held your hand. Not on the cheek, as we did when we first met that afternoon, but on the lips. Spo quickly, we both seem to feel the connection. It was so special. Next day we texted, and to be honest, I had a doubt, feeling myself so tall (1,80 cm) and you were a few centimeters taller, but still I felt too big next to you, which may sound so weird, but for me it had a deeper psychological meaning. I felt to plump, too manly, too much, which you later on confirmed I am really not. But for me this was an old pattern, I always thought women had to be dainty. I wanted to cancel the date, and you convinced me to stay, not understanding how I could do this after we had such a good time. Once again, the texting was a little one sided, which made me doubt too – but it was also me who should have addressed this, and I am sure we could have found a way to make it work, if I dared onkly speak up and not afraid to hurt you. You got annoyed and confused, saying how you liked me holding your hand, how you thought maybe I felt things were going too well, which might have cared me of. You don’t know how much I felt comforted that you tried to understand my complicated and confusing thoughts, this has not happened to me before. So we went on a date anyways, and it was so much fun. We walked, got close and intimate, very early on, but this side showed me how kindhearted, empthetaic you really are. You said you were not – but I really think you sell yourself short in that area. You’re such a beautiful person. Yes I did feel an emotional distance, the way you talked about exes, which made me slightly uncomfortable – but again, I should have asked why you mentioned them. Was it your regret for hurting some of them, or was it to warn me for the ways they had hurt you? I know one story you told me, which was awful – the girl who accused you of something bad, only because you rejected her. And was it to tell me things you hoped of me, only you were to nice to not aks them right away? It got me confused to a point I was not sure if I could trust you to only choose me – I am sorry if I had misunderstood that. maybe it was because I was insecure already, and did not think I was enough for you. You assured me I was, everytime I hesistated and came close to breaking up with you – how I am sorry I put you through this….it was the opposite of what I wanted – yes I wanted someone to truly understand me, and the way you approached the world, through logic and in my view, maybe not valuing creativity, and quirky people (which is how I see myself) a lot, made me think maybe you had not seen this side of me yet, and I was afrid I would lose it being with you, as I tend to conform myself to my partner, out of insecurity. Now I have not known you enough to see how you really were, but the fact you called me ‘gek meisje’ (quirky/weird girl) made me fear you indeed saw me as strange. I have though about as as Ross and Phoebe from Friends. You Ross, I Phoe – the discussions they had seemed similar. He was so sure in his logical way of seeing the world, while she doubted many things. Thing is, I told you I believed all the spiritual stuff I told you – though I think there is nothing wrong with them, I do not actually believe it. Every time I am in a shop like that, I do feel the beauty of it, the calmness, but I cannot believe in it, as much as it sounds nice. We discussed astrology, that is the only thing I left open a bit, even though I also know that it is not likely planets can have this effect. The fact that you tried to convince me so hard that this was all made up, and nonsense, the MBTI, attachment theory, astrology – and the fact that you tried to teach me things I know little about, like philosophy, and physics, made me believe maybe we were a little different. You did tell me you would not mind my interest in magic at all, as long as I did not believe it, and I would verufy my beliefs. I felt like you would not accept me as I am, and that scared me. As I told you, I was in a fase to get independent from my parents, where a similar dynamic existed. But you taught me a lot, and made me realize, that maybe you are right in saying I should use logic a bit more, and discover things and verify things. This for you has always been a big thing, I guess, that you do not like anyone to try and sell you nonsense. I really admire you for this, your independence, interesting character. The way you left all those tabs open on your computer. Writing this makes me cry, thinking of these fun memories.

As I said, if I would have been in a place where I would not be so easily hurt by conflict, would not have taken things so personally, and would have been more sur eof myselfm expecting you to accept me as I am, or leave me – I think we could have had a much longer time getting to know each other. It was just my fears – you even talked to me, about my parents, saying I should have just claimed my freedom, nobody is gonna give it to you. How right you are, I see now. I wish I had known this before, or got to know you later, if I were ready. Cause you were a guy that was more interesting than any others I had dated, in part because you were not a safe choice for me – you challenged me, and you were intense, in the best sense of the word. Cause I am ‘intense’ too, opinionated, bit judgmental too. I guess, these are things we were brought up in. There were so many guys that I feel did not push back for my liking – you were. The more I admire a man, and feel he is out of my league, the more I run – cause I am scared of rejection. You have told me you wanted to be with me, to please not let you go, that you felt you wanted to hold me, and you did not get bored, like in the past (sounds so arrogant to say this, but these were your words) – I so regret that I threw it all away, We could have dated for three months now, just to think fo what we could have had. You and your cute, obstinate dog, we could have taken so many nice strolls. You said you could just fall asleep in my lap, – you said that maybe I would have met your friends, Goos, I just could not believe you would think me worthy of this. I have been so insecure since I was young – my mum told me I was not as pretty as my sister, in school I was shy, so somehow I felt I was broing next to the outspoken girls, this is my created an inferiority comples. I guess. The guys I dated before were all ‘safe choices’, ones I thought I could handle. I thought you were too intersting for me, you would find me boring. I even asked you this, to which you replied, that you did not, when we were intimate, but this was simply because I dared to be myself then, unafraid of what you would think of me. I am sure that I would have loosened up if we had had the time. I even told you this. I was also myself on the phone, and speaking was so easy with you, so familiar, from the first time we called. I never had this so soon with anybody – and especially no 8 hour phone calls!

I am so so sorry, I wish I could go back to the time with you. I wish it for myself, and if you would have still want it, I could have given it to you too. You gave me so many chances, and I wish I had not suffered from my issues so I had taken them, or needed only the first one you gave me. I am sure I had. I am sorry if I hurt you with the words I used, “disrespectful” and “very judgmental” when I described how you talked with me during our last discussion. I can understand why you do not want to date me anymore, seeing what I did to you before. But they were fears. I can imagine it is impossible to understand my position and acts unless you are in it, or have the same issues. These fears show the opposite of my wishes – but I was so afraid of losing myself, as that was a huge theme at the moment with my family as well, I left you. I also was afraid of speaking up when something bothered me, afraid to make you leave me. The (not so) funny thing is, that that could have saved it. This has made me realized so many of my issues, thank you for that. This is stuff I need to work on. I know I should not hope, and I am going on with my life, as I have to, but I cannot help but wish you would ever unblock me, and reconsider. I would be open to it if you did. Chances are minimal to none, I know, but you meant so much, and I think it could have been so beautiful. If only I did not dismiss it so casually. I truly did not know what I had, and what it could have been, if I had waited. I have not met, nor do I think I will even meet someone as special as you. I wish I could still hold you, and be with you, watch Rick and Morty as we said, and watch Ghibli together as we did. I really don’t know what came over me when ending it.

I wish you all the best, and my apologies. I hope I have not hurt you as I think I may have. You are such a beautiful person, please ignore the things I said – it was me being too easily hurt.

Bye dear Philip, a big warm hug, and kiss to you.

Emma