Hi there, I have a situation, which I truly regret. I was wondering what to do, and also I’d just like to share this because it’s still so heavy on my heart. Thanks for reading.

About 3 months ago, I started talking to a guy on a dating app. It struck me he talked a lot about himself, and rarely asked me anything. Initially, I was put off. Then he mentioned he had ADHD. I knew this could cause him to speak in monologues (my brother does the same). Still not great, but I got it. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and we planned a date. We met and had a wonderful first date, it took 8 hours! From 15h till 22h, having drinks, we ate, talked so much.. Talking with him was so easy and felt strangely familiar (I think it might be because we had similar upbringing, familiar personality and maybe both of us ADHD). So I am 31, female, and though I may look kind of ‘normal’, I do have a quirky personality (they call me Luna Lovegood at times:p) and I am a bit shy and nerdy (he was nerdy too), I have unusual interests like astrology, fairy tales, I like to dream, not think about politics and the world as much, and flee into my own imagination. Maybe you could call it childlike, I don’t know. I am an adult of course, with adult intelligence and such, but maybe I’m a little naive with the real world if I am being honest. On top of that I guess I am soft spoken, people call me kind/soft, even though this kindness is, in all honesty, a mask and a form of people pleasing. So this guy is the opposite of me (or, that’s how it seemed on the surface). I always like these traits in men, because it is what I missed in myself I guess: he was self assured, outspoken, actively looking for conflict at times (when he felt mistreated), living in the moment and not worrying much (like I do). I simply could not believe he could fall for me. I admired him. This guy was also very scientifically minded, sort of rigid even, and pragmatic, he once said he almost quit dating a girl who wanted to watch a 70s movie with him, he could not understand why, saying it is something for elderly people). I feared he might be very black and white or serious and not so much into art like me. So after the first date we initially planned for a 2d one, but I got scared and anxious: I remembered not finding him physically attractive, and for me that felt like a deal breaker. Also, chatting with him on whatsapp was not that easy, he merely talked about impersonal things, was either very present or not at all for hours (bc of ADHD) and I thought like I felt a lack of warmth, which I later thought could have simply been that he did not dare to be vulnerable yet. He had issues surrounding that topic (he felt like men were not supposed to cry and all, his upbringing was very traditional). So i told him I wanted to cancel the date. He did not understand – he said he felt we both really liked it, and then I suddenly bailed. He was sort of harsh, asking how I could all of a sudden ‘kill the thing we had’ . So he convinced me to stay and we planned the date anyways. I thought maybe I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, as he said. And so we went for a stroll with his dog, and had lunch. I had been so wrong – he was so handsome! I don’t know how I could not have seen this on our first date. Things went fast, too fast maybe, we kissed and were even intimate on the 2d date. But it felt (at least in those moments) so natural, and he was looking for something serious , like me. I felt so caring to him, somehow, I felt beneath his direct and heated exterior, he was actually kind of vulnerable, he told me his anger and harsh demeanor was actually a shield (I believe against vulnerability). But after I left him the next day, I did feel uneasy somehow. I was so shy, I always have that with guys I look up to, but also, he was kind of critical of me on the 2d date: I did not understand something about AI that he explained to me, and he lost his patience briefly, saying: “No you don’t understand!!”. I found that a little weird and it made me uncomfortable, even though I guess he did not mean it and the moment was very short. So I told him I was afraid he would find me boring and asked if he did not need somebody more feisty than me, as I felt so quiet next to him. He said he did not and I should not worry. But I have severe anxious attachment, resulting in me being very scared of rejection. I think what happened was, that I made an assessment if this guy was likely to reject me overtime, knowing he did not know me fully yet, and might not understand my quirky side (which he might have accepted anyways) and so subconsciously I was looking for differences between us, and reasons for him to leave me. It felt safer to me to not invest too much emotionally if I expect someone to leave me, as I have this fear of rejection/abandonment. I feels safer to flee myself rather than him rejecting me – unfortunately, that results in many lost chances, but that is anxious attachment for you… Of course, this is all fear, and maybe not even my real wishes. I”m deeply insecure I think, both physically (my mum was kind of strict about how to look early on) and personality wise. I was always shy in school, resulting in my fearing that I am boring or so (which I guess is not even the case). Anyway, after this second date, he did not plan for a third one immediately, telling me we would see each other soon. For a week, he did not plan anything new. He had told me about girls that got impatient with him, saying one wanted to date someone else because it took too long with him. This got me thinking if indeed he was a guy that needed a lot of space, though I like being close with someone and don’t want too much space. So a week later, he said he felt in himself that he wanted to hug me, he sounded kind of surprised himself when he said it. So he said he could meet that same day, only that evening he had plans. I felt a little weird, that he proposed to meet at the last minute, after not arranging something for a week. But I suspected ADHD had to do with him not wanting to plan ahead, and who knows, maybe my hesitance towards him, and then suddenly us going so fast on the 2d date? We met for the third date, it was nice, again. Talking again was a little uncomfortable, as I was still shy. And, he hardly made space for me to show the things I liked (a music video), while he did show me things he liked. He did not ask me for my surname while I asked for his, and more of that. I don’t know if he was a little self centered also. Anyways, I told him, a few days later, that I was not sure about us again. I feel sorry for him, to have to hear it. I just did not feel completely free to be myself somehow, feeling like he could not value my quirky side, he sometimes ‘corrected’ me as I mixed up fantasy and reality, reading magazines on ‘enchanted living’. He said nature itself is magical enough if I would only read more about it. I said to him I might want to inclusively date for that moment, to see if this difference in world view was a big deal for me. We had been exclusive until then (which I generally really like!). He said no, he could not do that. I fully understood. And again, we kept on exclusively dating. I said I needed to plan dates ahead, as I don’t have much time bc of work, and I prefer not meeting last minute. He sort of agreed, but bc of his ADHD , I think, he planned for a day on which he did not have that much time, adn he still needed to arrange for a dog sitter, which was still unsure at that moment. During the week, he said he still was not sure, and the day before the meeting he cancelled. I said I was sorry about that, and asked to plan for a new day. We then planned another date a few days later. two days before that one, he told me he lost his job, and bc of his ADHD, he said he might get lost in looking for work and warned me he could get a little distracted. He said this when I brought up our next date. So I don’t know of this was his way of telling me he could not make it. Anyways, he did not officially cancel this third date, and I did not dare to bring it up, foolishly, because I feared he would find me difficult. Anyway, we did not meet up and I said I would go do my own things then. It did bother me though, him not cancelling officially. At some point that evening, I said something about hearing that people say the moon affects the way you sleep. He did not react initially, but a day later, he asked who had said this, because he though it nonsense spiritual stuff. Then I sent him articles explaining this, and he told me they were not peer-reviewed. We got into a discussion about pseudoscience, superstitions, critical thinking and astrology. Me wanting him to accept me as I am, I told him I actually believe in all these things, which I am not even sure of. Bit childish maybe, but I have had a fear of being overshadowed and not being true to myself since youth. My father is like him, in ways. He said he did not know what to do if I actually believed, as he called all these things nonsense. He had once told me that maybe he “should educate me on philosophy and physics, as he believed me smart but just unaware of all the information out there”. I had mixed feelings about this statement of his. Now comes the part I truly regret: I broke it off with him, saying I needed someone who would be more open to these things, or at least, have a similar view of life. This was the 3d time I made an attempt to break it off. I said to him he should not try and convince me to stay again, as we would be trapped in this loop. This would not be fair to him ofc, but how I regret it…not in the least because I do not even truly believe in superstitions, or not as much anyways, which was a deal breaker for him. I just do not have the urge to verify everything like he does, I am very open minded, to the point of being naive maybe (he told me he could not understand how I could apply critical thinking so selectively). After breaking it off, he said he accepted, and said he needed space, that if we could be friends, that would happen on its own. I regretted and regretted…I thought the grass would be greener somewhere else, not knowing what mattered in a person…but I had not thought this breakup through: I do not even like guys that are into superstitions. I sent him a text 2 weeks later, saying I missed him, but also told him that I was scared because I found him disrespectful and very judgmental in that last discussion we had (I may have taken his words too personal, though he does get heated/arguably rude in debate, this is what others told him too). He did not answer. A few days later, I told him that my words “disrespectful” and “very judgemental” were not meant to be mean. He did not answer. A few days later, I texted him that I tough I had made a huge mistake by breaking it off, and asked him of he would reconsider. Then he blocked me on whatsapp…
Silly me, I called him a week later. I was so sad about what happened. Sent him a text through the dating app. Then I stopped. I should have respected his wishes in the first place. I just really regretted…hated myself for giving up too soon and fleeing because I felt not fully accepted by him although that might have been my own fears only. I have been on a few dates since him, but I have not met someone like him…wonder if I ever will.. What do you think…would there be any chance for the future? Am I hung up on something that should be only a minor thing, just a person I let go? I did feel a connection..I believe he did too, even though he said he doubted us at times, he said he never had such fun with a girl, and before always got bored after a while (bc of ADHD?). His friends told him I was not his type, but he said it was his choice to make. I think we both knew we would work well, knowing what we needed on the inside, while people who only knew us superficially would think us too different. Him too harsh, me too soft. Both are masks after all. I think we were more alike than people would say, on the inside. A classic INFJ-ENTP, Virgo-Scorpio, Hades and Persephone pairing. I guess he was looking for perfection in a girl, he talked A LOT about girls while dating me, that did make my uncomfortable and mistrusting. I still don’t know why he did it. Cautionary tales? Comparing me to others, looking for that perfection he wanted in a girl? He did tell me he wanted to get to know a girl slowly, to see if he could fall in love with her… He might even have been avoidantly attached, I don’t know for sure of course. I heard they are always comparing and looking for perfection, in search of emotional safety. It would explain his need for independence, saying he was a proponent for “”live and let live”.

Lots of jumping around in this text, excuse me (I have been told I might have ADHD myself). Thanks for readuing. Do you think thi is a lost cause? What would he be thinking. Does anybody like this ever unblock me? Would he still think of me, while going on dates with others? Or would I be the ”devil’ in his eyes now? It does not even matter I suppose…I should foirget…but I visited the place of our first date recently…and it hurrttt…wish he would reconsider…

Thank you.