Ah Anita, thank you, again! I am so touched by your complement, it is indeed me in the photo – you have no idea what it does to hear it. Yes, the insecurity around height and physical part has played a painful part in the situation with Philip, he complimented me too, this was so sweet but also strange for me to hear. This sounds like a very good tip – to show my full length in public- I wonder, how did you know that indeed the taking up space, both phycically and emotionally has been a huge problem all my life? You have good insights!

I think you’re right, about not sending the letter to him – I have played with the idea but it feels to scary, adn indeed, he has given me clear signals he does not want me anymore. I should have thought better what it meant to lose him before I broke it off. It is understandable but painful – I still wonder what would have been the bigegst thing why he does not want me anymore. He told me “three times is a charm” when I broke it off the last time, maybe it was too much – maybe it did not feel emotionally safe to him anymore. But yes, it should not come from me anymore, I understand, that may be too much.

Hope you have a lovely day today!

I was wondering, Anita, if you’d like to share it – what do you do for a living? You sound like an experienced counselor! Warm wishes! Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you for thinking of me today – to be honest it has been a rough day for me today. I am sorry for once again sharing these heavy feelings with you, even after we wrote the letter. I am just having such a hard time moving on, as it feels like it is not supposed to be this way. I was the one to cut things off so prematurily with Philip, while so many things coukd have been possiblem things I now will never get to know. I have been talking to some other guys in the past few weeks, and even though with two of them I seem to have found some more common interests, and I think maybe they dare to present themselves more vulnerable in ways, which made it easier to connect, there are things missing which I had with Philip, and which I doubt may be more important. I have not met these guys yet, but still. Things got difficult again today because at work (I work at a bookshop), we got into a discussion in which we discussed values, policical values and what to promote on our social media. Maybe best not to get too political here, but I find it hard to find people, also while dating, that share a similar upbringing, policial views (leaning more traditional), while at the same time being a bit of a nerd, neurodivergent, haha. I suspect I might have ADHD too, seeing how I go from one topic to another, though I have never been hyperactive but instead, calm. I just feel like it was not supposed to go this way, me cutting things off while I hardly knew Philip – and Philip warned me for this, I guess he had been in my position too, cutting things off because little things were different between us. Now I do think his more logical side made me doubt if I was the one for him, because I feel my interest in those quirky things might have made me strange in his eyes, but I don’t know, at some point he told me he wanted to have earrings too, something I had not expected and though of as original. I wonder if there would have been more like that. In truth, I though of him as similar to my brother 0 who is also into science, philosophy, always looking for new knowledge, but not so much into art, or just genrally things more quirky. I sometimes think of myself as having Phoebe Buffay’s style somewhat, I like bohemian style clothing, but also have an interest in the things she does, and am not so ambitious in terms of carreer. I think Philip would be somehow similar to Ross from Friends, kind of bend on being right, and very much into what is true and scientific. Looking at their bond, I don’t know if that would have worked. Philip told me at the time he also felt doubts ‘coming up’, but then he reminded himself he never such a good time with a girl before (or so he said) and told himself to continue dating me. I wonder if that would have been his intuition speaking – I think I am wondering this to find out if I am mourning the loss of someone I would not have been compatible with anyway, and so lessen my grief – but I guess it does not matter anyway now. I just find myself not wanting to move on from him – my friend told me to just go on dating someone else, ‘what I am being sad about’, but to me this felt like some surprising bond, which maybe should not have workes surface level, as his friends told him too that I would not be a match for him either – but he told me he did not want to listen, and decide for himself and continue. This made me think he found it special too, I don’t know. I never had a first date that long, and that easy – it took 7 or 8 hours – he told me too how surprised he was that talking was so easy. Same thing on the phone, first time we called, it felt strangely familiarand easy….another time we called for 7 hours… . This just makes it so hard to forget, to make it seem like ‘just another guy I dated and it did not work out’. I somehow hope he was special to me, even though I made it seem like I broke things off so easily a couple of times. I just wonder why I got so shy, maybe a little uneasy, being with him om the 2d and 3d date – I wonder if it was because I admired him a little and was confused as to what he wanted me for, seeing I think of myself as just shy and maybe boring, bc of my own assumptions about myself. I have had this shyness before with another guy I sort of fancies and admired, he is my colleague and now one of my best friends, we talk very easily. It makes me wonder what could have been with Philip. I secretly hope – and I know it’s mean – he won’t find anyone he likes better…because he said he got bored with girls very soon (maybe bc of ADHD?), but not with me…and he never had such a good time… . It’s not to be arrogant…just his words..
I just find myself wanting to goi back, wanting to wait for him – but now that he has blocked me, I guess that would be waiting for nothing. My friends said that blocking means he won’t ever want me again. I just find it so hard to even kiss another guy, would it ever get to that point. I still feel like Philip is the only one I would allow to do that. I wonder if O should forsce myself to go on dates, I wonder if Philip already kisses other girls..my heart breaks to think of it, even though he has every right to do so ofc…and I was the one to break things off. Moving on is just so hard. I heard people say, that if things are meant to be, they will be – would you believe in that? If Philip and I are meant to be, it will be, even if I were to move on? He tried to hard to hold on…that makes me so said, to think of all the chances he has given me, and me discarding them so easily. I should have seen how special that was, and that shoudl not have told him that he should accept me letting go of him. I never thought he was not good enough for me, which must have been the impression I gave him. On the contrary, I think he was too good for me – but now I have no means to tell him. I wish I had not pestered him with my messages, but waited, then he would not have blocked me now, and I could have sent him this.

A lot of text again…haha sorry.

Oh I think I forgot one word in the line from my first kmessage, what I was meaning to say was that I hopes he knows he was very special to me, despite all the things that may have made it seem it wasn’t.

Als I wonder, if I may ask, Anita, where you are from? 🙂 Just to get to know you a little.

Also, I forgot to add, my sister is a bit more outgoing, not so much into spirituality and creative hobbies/music – bit more engaged with the real world so to say. I guess in that sense they were more alike – that’s why I had the fear, I guess.