Hi Anita,

Thanks for responding. Yes I know the song, Nothing Compares 2U, I really like it actually, its so raw and exactly how it can feel. I have habit of leaving things too soon – be it relationships, a job, even therapy – I feel bc I do not give it enough time, Iam afraid people will have expectations that I cannot live up to, and then I will fail and people will criticize me, and maybe leave me or something. Whenever it feels like it’s too high of a level for me, I quit before they can discard me. It really keeps me stuck in places even though I long to prove to myself I can reach something ‘higher’, if that is the case. Be it in jobs, men, social life, anything…I am quite shy in nature, but I feel that is not really me, but the truth is, I think, I come from a family with critical parents, even though now I also feel they are loving. My father was always a bit reserved in showing his love for us, so I always wondered…even though he is always there for us, and so is my mum, I just feel like they wanted us to be a certain way, I guess. I never dared to become fully myself. My sister is good at shaming others too – whenever she and they suspect someone is showing off, they are met with remarks like “who do they think they are?”, and so I do not dare to come out of my shell too much.
May I ask, do you have any tips on how to look at a lost love? How to think about it? Everybody says, “just keep on dating, he was nothing special”, but for me it feels like we had something special. Maybe it was the breaking it off too soon that keeps me wondering if it would have been good.
Ah, the question I asked was: I was wondering since you told me a bit about your background, and (like me?) it may not have been too easy for you as well as me to rely on your own judgment (I believe you told me this), if that at times presents itself in other things, like it does in the writing, that you used AI (which I have no ordeal over ofc!)? Just curiosity, as I do recognize it – being a people pleaser, I usually wear some mask of “kindness” with many people I meet. It’s so tiring. I am trying to be my true self, but how to know what that looks like?

My mum, btw, also is caring too much about other people’s feelings, like me, and like her, I have great difficulties to contain my emotions.

Have a lovely day, Anita,

Warmly, or as we say in Dutch: “groetjes” (‘small greetings’)
Emma

Hi Anita, sorry for not responding and disappearing for a long while. I am very grateful for all your help and effort, but I must be honest, that I do not have the energy to write as much and often back as before.

I have just gone through another painful breakup, him and I had a relationship for a month which felt so deep and true, but it ended with miscommunication (due to an OCD fear I think), and then both our insecurities were triggered, and could not be vulnerable anymore I think, we were just testing each other and fighting. I have a deep fear of losing people and I really need to work on myself.

How are you doing, Anita?

I will write when my energy allows it. But I’ll be back 🙂

Wishing you a lovely day, and still all best wishes for this year!

Emma

Hi Anita,

I am happy to be speaking agaian as well! Lovely to hear you have a dog, they van be such nice companions. Dk you geel thata way too? What breed is he? And how are you feeling these days?
About my breakup…oh what a story. Ev⁸erything went so fast. W (that’s him) and I met early November, and immediately we both felt so comfortable with each other, we both are I think, creative, thinking similar, dreamy behaviour, he was uoung at heart, like me, into arcade game things he bought, and me, into fairies and fairy tails… I never felt so understood. We both are also very emotional and he felt so supportive. We saw each other very often, after a few weeks, every day…we got jnto a rrlationship the endnov november..and we felt so attached, things went very fast..from his side, even more than mine. to be honest, in the mornings it was impossinle to get up because we were so so comfortable next to each other (sorry if this weird) it was impossible and for some reason we could not easily leave and needed like 5 alarms to get out. Just to show how it felt. He was extremely inseceure, so am i, buf it really sjaped him. He had been rejected by women bc not everyone likes his hjmor, or thag be yalked dtk everybody, or found him somewhat immature. He always seemed to need womens approval and attention, he said women omly wanted him for a night in the past…i did not understand cause i liked him very much. I think i am a big quirky too, sk thag was a good match. He did geg angry when he gelt ti excluded jim from a gamily feast…bug he had nog sbsn met myparengs then. We went away for the weekend just before Christmas, it was so nice. I made the stupid decision….motivated by my very strict consciousnsess and maybe ocd, i forced myself to tell him, eventhough i did mot want it – that a colleague of mine I had dated before, still had a key of my house. But i gave him this after dating. This colleague asked me if i wanted the key back, when i was with W. For some reason i doubted….i wondnered if this colleague still liked having the key…so i could still feel important or that he liked me…i dont tknow. Or that it was just that i did not care and wanted him to feel ok. Then my W asked me, if i still had feelings for thjs colleague…to which I did not know what to say. I do not want to be with him, but i can still see he is handsome and cute, and we have this trusted bond. Anyway…i never ever wanted anuone but my ex,W. Never this colleague. This happened just before christmas. W got angry and needed space so i left, crying deeply…he said i should celebrrate christmas with this colleague..
He said he wanted to talk and i asked if he wanted to break up…this really scared me…W wanted me to come to him, but i was afraid i would gwt some panick attack, there, so i rather had it in my safe space. So he said, ok after crhsitmas. Then he called me, angry suddenly, apparently bc i did not take the effort to go to him and comfort him, and make up, and he broke up with me. He told me “there are always more guys involved with women i am dating and it hurts me and drives me crazy”. Honestly, i never wver wanted this colleague. Then he told me,over christmas, his christmas had been destroyed, and i was to blame, and to blame for the relationship breaking off. W has autism btw. We talked a bit and then he proposed to meet, and that w coad see if we could date again. But when i did not react soon enough to that, he wanted to retract this offer, and when the day of the chat came, he got so angry about everything, he wanted to cancel. Yhen i stepped up and pleaded to meet, then he did say yes…
The he proposed dating, but only if we would also date others. This hurt mw deeply…i could not bear him dating others…neither had i jnterest jn that. He said he lost feelings for me bc of the things that happened…but he still missed me and would try get his feeljngs back. I started arguing …asking whwy over and over we coild not date just the two of us for a while …he refused and said hs could not, bc of his ego that had bee samaged, and jis stubnorn nature, he would feel like giving jn and mot lobing himself if he would, but also bc be was not sure if we were still a match, bc he was unsure if i was stable enough and authentic enough etc….also bc he wanted kids soon and he wanted to “spread his chances”. I ended up arhlguing and it drove him nuts…and i changed my mind offten….asking for a break, coming back fron it bc i was afraid to lose hjm….i wanted to date him but could not with these requqitements…then, bc he said he doubted me, i got scared and i did sometjing childish and tested him..saying maybe we should let each other go for now, work on ourselvevs ans maybe meet in the future if we would again and still single…then he said, i dont do such thjngs…i said ok lets meet next week then and then he broke it of….
I must say i have a pattern of testing peoples love, and him, like he did with me…unhealthy, i know. I wanted to know if he really valued me. So i created distance with that break, etc…
And i asked for stuff back, bc i was hurt if he wojld use it with his new gf…he did not like that, i think, and my brother would contact him about the things, ,bc be would pick them up…then W texted me 2 days later…said he wanted to close the chapter with me so could we make an appointment to pick the things up…
I got so hurt by those words that i lashed out a bit .. saying sorry but it hurt me. I told him we better not contact each other anymore so i cojld also heal quicker and move on…i only said that out of anger and sadness…then he blocked me..
My god why did hd block me…

I am hurt…i know we had a lot of trouble and that colors these beauhiful memories….but it was also great and intense and was so good before…i really don’t understand. He also said that he had hoped it would not be that short…anyway, he said thag some time ago..

Lomg long message…

I sent him a letter to explain I wanted no contact only out of anger – but i would actually be open to contact. And that blocking would not be necessary for me, only if he wants it. And that there is no need to be insecure

Thank you Anita, enjoy the walk! Beagles are cute. Where does his name come from? I am staying at my parents’and have a cute cat sleeping next to md tonight. That helps s bit!

Love, Emma