Hi Anita, thanks for reading and replying. What a cute name for your dog, I will look up the actor.
Yes, about the key issue…i never meant to make him feel i was unsure if i wanted to be with him..cause i wasnt, i loved him deeply i just felt i needed to be honest, maybe too honest..
He later said i maybe should not have told him. And kept telling me i should go date this colleague in a somewhat mean tone. I wish i didnt tell him. You said you expected there to be other issues if not for the key….why do you think? I am happy you said so..
He did get very angry already when he felt excluded from a family feast. He said he wanted a stable relationship and me using the wrong words to describe emotions and his insecurity might be a toxic cocktail he said. I am just so sad what other woman will be able to make him happy..? Someone less emotional? and he said i might need a more secure man “not a loser like him”.

Wow Anita, your messages gave me chills, thank you thank you. I will send you an answer later today, thiking about what to answer.
Have a good night,

Love, Emma

Hi Anita, I am happy to hear, that you thought it might just be a matter of time before anything happened…because, yes I keep thinking its all my fault…for some reason I am sort of blind maybe to the red flags, and maybe I lack a certain self respect so I would have stopped earlier. Like the getting angry? these guys get angry with me and I still think its my fault. It is interesting what you mentioned, that I fall for these guys…its true. I am attracted to men who seem self confident, have a strong will, and are not afraid to be themselves…but in the end they tend to find me too “good/sweet”, not going against them enough, not voicing my own opinion etc…its true, i am still living with this mask, not being truly myself with people i dont know well enough. I always felt like i had to be the sweet one eventhough i have a strong opinion myself, and people are surprised when they find out. I do have a father and brother who are dominant. My father is afraid to be vulnerable i think, does not often talk about his emotions, he prefers to talk about things. He is kind of awkward when giving a hug.

I feel like i always have to be honest, maybe that’s the conscience, and ocd. I think that i too am afraid to be rejected and left. W told me that it was not so much the key, but more so, the fact that i did not come to talk to him, and comfort him, about the key issue, when he initiated that, why he broke up with me. When i told him about it, he wanted space, and i went to my parents in sadness and panic. Then i texted W that i would be ready to talk and loved him etc. He replied with “just go and celebrate christmas with that colleague of yours”. Later that night he said he wanted to talk about it, and i asked if he wanted to break up, to which he replied he was not sure. I was so scared…losing love and being rejected is something i tend to flee from, so i did not dare to ho and ecpected him to brrak il with me anyway. and my parents were so afraid i woild do something to myself, if i would be at his place/area, on my own, and he would break up with me, that they did not let me go….
I wonder if things would have gone different then. I later told him all this, alsk qbout my parents. He seemed sorry for me and held my hands…so i hope he understood. I still feel a bit angry at my parents, but i should have made my own decisions and they meant well. I asked him to talk in my safe environment then, but this would only be possible after crhistmas. We agreed to take time till then, but he got so angry, suddenly, i guess because i was too calm, and he said bc he felt angry but also bad for not celebrating christmas together, thag be nroke eup overvthe ohone. He yelled angrily af my, my father heard him theough the phone and was shocked, and he hung up suddenly. I called bavk, he yelled, and hung up again. I had texted him he was the love of my life and never wanted anybody else..but he later said, that he looks at actions rather than words. I should have gone there then. J really did not feel…how hurtfjl the things wefe i said…anout the key, and the feeljnvs…i never considered how much that hurt him. Because i never meant to tell him i prefered that colleague…it was only out of guilt i told that story…i only wanted to be with him. I wonder why i did not feel that..i gelet like ethe victim myself a bit…is that weird? This is the conscience. He felt like i just went on with life without him…maybe ei was not outspoken enough…but i had texted him so manh yimes…leta just try to continue..so i guess i did..The weekend we would go away with my parents and him, i went alone witb them aftef the break up. At some point he told me to enjoy it, i dongknow if this swas sarcacstic of him, i said, well i am not really enjoying now. Then he answered he did nog like it either…and then he initiated meetjng again. This happened after christmas.
I may have gone too far ..but i sent him a letter, after the blocking, explaining i did not really want to ceize contact, that i had said that out of fear and sadness and anger when he broke up bc i had changed my mind anout the dating (afater i said maybe we shoumd meeg ahajn in the future). But yes he may not be q gokd guy for me. And i not gor him. Noth too..insecure?
I am relieved to hear..even though it is sad for him, that…you said i would probably not be the only woman struggling with jim. You really thjnk this was mosyly his fear and not all my fault? At some point he did say, that he wanted to date others, because he was no longer sure if we were a match…bc i was holding myself back, he said, he foundbit more attarctive if i could be myself more.. being too sweet, instable he said…and he wanted kids fast so..that put a pressurenkn me too. He wanted a stable relationship where there would be no talk of other men…and he would date me but he would not hive me any guarantees he said…
The more doubts he said he had about me, the more scared i hot and i did not dare to put my heart in it with yhis abandonment looming. He did have a 12 year long rrlationship begore…but the last 5 years he did not celebrate christmas with her, bc her family did not like him, he said. Maybe thats why christmas together was sooo important to him.
Thank you for wishing me a kind man, maybe you are right….what sort of man would be better? More consistent you said? Less reactive.. Someone who does not take away his love so suddenly? W said, maybe i need someone more secure.

I heard from a mutual friend, that he was drunk at a party last week saying: “i love you all”, and asking her, “may i ask you, do i look good, i am a bit insecure”, and “i am bad with women”. Heavy, haha. He is an artist, and draws peoples caticatures…but they van be very critical and bit harsh… He wrote down “mr ugly” and “i am fat”.. While he is insecure about his weight etc. He wanted to date me only after be had lost weight…he would feel better, less jnsevure and mean, he said, and thought i would like him more…so untrue. I had said in the end, maybe we should leave each other, work on ourselves, and maybe meet in de the future if were still single. Cause I was afraid he wojld judge me on ghings i vojld not change yet. I said, ‘right now we are not the best versions of ourselves’. Maybe i had rejected him again then…but he had also said he was not sure about me by then.

Yes you’re so right..intensity is not stability…that i based my dream on fantasy, and so did he…i guess we had too many issues the both of us…i just hurt bc now maybe he thinks i am crazy, stupid, and i disappointed him. I find it hard to cope witb that fear. But maybe i should not care about what he thinks anymore.

Thank you, Anita. Your messages gave me much relief and vomfort. Such warmth and insight in how he used things to have control. And that i don’t have to blame myself fofr everything…it really helps💜

Love, Emma

Hi Anita, thanks for your message. It is interesting that you drew these parallels, I think you may be very right. What worries me, is that I do not see how unhealthy W behaved towards me. He warned me for it though, that as soon as his insecurity is triggered, he shows a worse side of himself. I wonder, he had a 12 year long relationship, ic he had issues then too. And how he knows this saboug himself. Maybe he ecperienced it before.

I did say something very hurtful, that I might have had feelings for this colleague, and that may be why I wanted him to keep the key…I am unsure…thoughts afe mixing up. I wonder if thag wasvthe intent at all…ocd is difficjlt whe it comes to memory. But maybe…I don’t know, he still overreacted. Worst is, he was angry I did not take his offer immediataely when he offered me the chat. He did not consider, I guess, how bad he treated me…that he broke up impulsively, cause he did not wanna deal with the mixed feelings over christmas. He did, anyway, hahah. Than he told me he would cancel our appojntment bc he was angry and tense about it all. I do wonder why I did not feel how much I hurt him with the key issue. Only later i did. I do feel guilty, about me telling hjm in the end, that “we should let each other go for now, cause now we won’t see each others best version, and maybe meet later, after working on our issues, if we would still be single”. That “I found his anger was intense, and i did not feel safe when he used that sort of punishing language”. I hope I did not make him feel second best again, and hurt him. I told him in the letter, I criticized him out of anger and fear that he was leaving me.
He did say, at some point, he wanted to date others bc he did not know if we were still a match, and he needed time. So…maybe it was a mix of reasons, whg be wanted to dafe others. Almost everyone I speak to, says they would not like him to date othees either, ic it was them.

Yes, the pattern you show me feels real. Do you really think W would have been unealthy for me? How do you think someone more stable would have handled this key issue? All men I am concerned with…are so dominant. They dont see it themselves, but I have learnend to adapt myself, I feel. You think the mask is for that? I feel I wear it with most people, unless Ive known them for a long time and I feel the bond is strong enough to show not only the super sweet side.

Ahh, that’s heavy what you told about your mother. That you felt so responsible for her feelings. I cacn relate. And about the ice cream…that is really heartbreaking. How did you geg overbit? And do you fewl better now? I am happy you found sosmething bavk about uourself, and got to know yourself better 🙂 are you still developing this?

Love, Emma

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by tinybuddha. Reason: Removed personally identifying link