Thanks for your previous message, Anita. I have been a bit busy so getting back to you now!
I am happy to hear you did not think W would have been good for me, I am trying to convince myself of it. To be honest, and I feel bad about this: I really do hope it was the OCD, and that I did not get the key back immediately (or, at leaast, said to the colleague he could keep it) for the wrong reasons. What if it was for the wrong reason – W did not trust me with this entirely, I believe. I I am just sorry I gave him the feeling he was not good enough for me, this was so not the case…it was just my oppressive conscience forcing me to confess this.
Anyway, I have been on two dates last week, I did it to get some perspective and show myself W is not the only one out there…but I got so sad and missed him again, conversations were just not as easy and fun, nor did they feel so fitting in character. I thought I was the only immature one, but yes, he was too I guess. Just feels so bad if he’s gonna meet someone he likes better…haha anyway, that’s notmarl reaction I guess.

Wow what an effect that had on you, managing your mother’s emotions. It is really sad right, that as a kid, and an adult, such things have such effect. I am happy to hear you did get the chance to work on it! How did you do it?

Haha nice, hot fudge ice cream. I guess my favorite is something with chocolate or coconut.

I had a thing with my father last week…I was with my parents a couple of weeks ago, and we were watching TV, when a song came up. I really liked the song. Then my father askes “really, do you like this?!”. something like that. He has done that before…I felt shame because of my taste, I told him I really did not like the remark, and he said something a little mean, I don’t remember, like he cannot take criticism. I told him later that remarks like that give me the feeling of shame, and makes me adapt myself to his taste, to get his approval. He then said, that I was overly sensitive, and that he just wanted to give his opinion, but it was not on purpose to do something, I said to him, what f I would do that to you? Then he said, “I would just shrug it off”. I now wonder if I am crazy. I am seeing him tomorrow, I have already said something about this 2 times, and I am seeing him for his bday, so it may be sad to bring it up again. I wonder if I should tell him, that it is not just ‘his nature’, as he called it, so he cannot do anything about it, he could not guarantee not saying these things again. Or if I shoukld tell him, these remarks make me wanna take distance. I am nervous and angry, and fearful to hurt him by starting on it again. My parents both cannot take feedback, and I think are afraid of conflict, as we all are…
I feel like we all are emotionally immature actually. But it is something i want to work on, but it is difficult when they do not. Maybe I am the one who concerns myself too much with their opinions, but then why do they feel like the have to share their opinion so often, and judge people all the time….so tiring…

Love, Emma

Thank you, Anita! You may be right about my father/parents not changing, I think in our family we are all emotionally a bit immature. I looked it up: I can see all effects of overprotective parenting on me, and maybe some of my siblings too. I am very grateful for the care my parents gave me, but I now do feel the need to work on it. My emotional dysregulation…lack of emotional sense…needing reassurance all the time. It’s really annoying how much I still have to work on. Honestly I don’t think I am even ready for a relationship the way I am now: I can’t even stand a normal conflict without being very fearful and pulling away..

Oh, you have ADHD too! That’s interesting, it does make for creative people, right? How are you doing these days?

Yes, if you really dont’t mind (please let me know if you do!!) my emailaddress is emmaverhoog@hotmail.com

Love,
Emma