In the past, I allowed myself to be in relationships where I was undervalued and thought by giving more affection and love it would teach my boyfriend how to care for me. My most recent relationship was one of the worst breakups for me, he let me go after I was sick and started demanding more of a deeper intimacy and emotional support of him.

Four months later, I met a guy. He was persistent, kind, a wonderful listener and fun to be around. We hit it off right away. I can say this now, but after my ex I made a very foolish pact to myself that I would not invest more in a relationship than a guy does with me. Unfortunately, I did take this saying and run with it. With this new guy, I soon learned he was quite insecure although there were other traits I loved about him. A part of me (I’m learning is my shadow side) used that as power over him, the same way my ex would with me. For example, while I was on vacation last weekend with family, yet he called several times a day although I asked can we speak twice a day since we were out and about quite often. I got upset at him and was harsh but quickly apologized, after realizing he was simply missing me and checking in. I realize now I denied him of that with my response and lack of calling back timely.
When I returned home this Monday, he asked if I could possibly pick him up from work. I said sure. While getting ready, my brother who was coming back in town asked if I could come pick him up from Atlanta aiport( sb: I live 50mi from the airport and he’s kinda economically challenged rn) so I felt obligated to come pick him up instead of my beau. I explained to my boo the change and plans and asked would he be able to make it home ( I wasn’t extremely worried only because he only lives 15mi from work and he lmk that he can find a way). I realized he may have felt disappointed so I called. He assured me he would find a ride soon. Now, my mother extended a invitation to him for NYE, HOWEVER, he and I had spoken several times before this where we agreed that actively meeting each other’s families wasn’t a priority until we were clear of the relationship between us. I let him know my mother had been very tipsy that afternoon and is often a sloppy drunk, and as a result my brother and I decided to not spend the NYE with her to avoid conflict or drama. My beau got upset when I told him the change of plans and insinuated I was bluffing. I tried to provide an alternative of us instead going to my brother’s girlfriends family where we could still enjoy ourselves. He was uncooperative and angry and got off the phone. Hours later, he would call periodically in clusters and when I would answer he explained to me he felt like a second option, as I decided to spend time with my godmother for NYE because he was irate and uncooperative despite my alternative to our initial plan. Our final conversation, he told me to just stay with my family, so I did. An hour later at 11pm, he calls and I answer. At this time, I let him know I had just gotten home from my godmothers house and am about to turn into bed. He mumbles one thing and hangs up. I call back and he hangs up again. This time he calls back, to tell me he was tired of my bs, I was destroyed and snapped at him and said to just give my belongings left at his house. He hangs up. I quickly realize how reactive I was and called to apologize but he hung up. Out of rejection, I told him that was the last time he would hang up on me and that I was done. Big mistake, because I didn’t mean it. He told me to leave him alone. Then 15min later followed up with another text saying he’ll return my things.

That was 2 days ago, we spoke briefly yesterday where we didn’t make much headway. He got off the phone saying I’ll speak to you later. It was earlier today I realized how toxic I had become just to “avoid” being hurt by a guy like I did with my ex, until I saw how dismissive I was to this new guy. He has been supportive of me, an actual friend, and a lover, and I hurt him. I learned from a friend thathe had actually spent NYE alone. And it all made sense. He felt abandoned by me. I understand now how I was not reciprocating the goodness he gave me out of foolish fear. While he did say yesterday he wanted to talk “later” I haven’t heard from him. And while it hurts a lot to accept he may not want anything to do with me, he also hasn’t said anything since yesterday. My mom said just give him time. What should I do?