January 2, 2020 at 5:45 pm #330839
In the past, I allowed myself to be in relationships where I was undervalued and thought by giving more affection and love it would teach my boyfriend how to care for me. My most recent relationship was one of the worst breakups for me, he let me go after I was sick and started demanding more of a deeper intimacy and emotional support of him.
Four months later, I met a guy. He was persistent, kind, a wonderful listener and fun to be around. We hit it off right away. I can say this now, but after my ex I made a very foolish pact to myself that I would not invest more in a relationship than a guy does with me. Unfortunately, I did take this saying and run with it. With this new guy, I soon learned he was quite insecure although there were other traits I loved about him. A part of me (I’m learning is my shadow side) used that as power over him, the same way my ex would with me. For example, while I was on vacation last weekend with family, yet he called several times a day although I asked can we speak twice a day since we were out and about quite often. I got upset at him and was harsh but quickly apologized, after realizing he was simply missing me and checking in. I realize now I denied him of that with my response and lack of calling back timely.
When I returned home this Monday, he asked if I could possibly pick him up from work. I said sure. While getting ready, my brother who was coming back in town asked if I could come pick him up from Atlanta aiport( sb: I live 50mi from the airport and he’s kinda economically challenged rn) so I felt obligated to come pick him up instead of my beau. I explained to my boo the change and plans and asked would he be able to make it home ( I wasn’t extremely worried only because he only lives 15mi from work and he lmk that he can find a way). I realized he may have felt disappointed so I called. He assured me he would find a ride soon. Now, my mother extended a invitation to him for NYE, HOWEVER, he and I had spoken several times before this where we agreed that actively meeting each other’s families wasn’t a priority until we were clear of the relationship between us. I let him know my mother had been very tipsy that afternoon and is often a sloppy drunk, and as a result my brother and I decided to not spend the NYE with her to avoid conflict or drama. My beau got upset when I told him the change of plans and insinuated I was bluffing. I tried to provide an alternative of us instead going to my brother’s girlfriends family where we could still enjoy ourselves. He was uncooperative and angry and got off the phone. Hours later, he would call periodically in clusters and when I would answer he explained to me he felt like a second option, as I decided to spend time with my godmother for NYE because he was irate and uncooperative despite my alternative to our initial plan. Our final conversation, he told me to just stay with my family, so I did. An hour later at 11pm, he calls and I answer. At this time, I let him know I had just gotten home from my godmothers house and am about to turn into bed. He mumbles one thing and hangs up. I call back and he hangs up again. This time he calls back, to tell me he was tired of my bs, I was destroyed and snapped at him and said to just give my belongings left at his house. He hangs up. I quickly realize how reactive I was and called to apologize but he hung up. Out of rejection, I told him that was the last time he would hang up on me and that I was done. Big mistake, because I didn’t mean it. He told me to leave him alone. Then 15min later followed up with another text saying he’ll return my things.
That was 2 days ago, we spoke briefly yesterday where we didn’t make much headway. He got off the phone saying I’ll speak to you later. It was earlier today I realized how toxic I had become just to “avoid” being hurt by a guy like I did with my ex, until I saw how dismissive I was to this new guy. He has been supportive of me, an actual friend, and a lover, and I hurt him. I learned from a friend thathe had actually spent NYE alone. And it all made sense. He felt abandoned by me. I understand now how I was not reciprocating the goodness he gave me out of foolish fear. While he did say yesterday he wanted to talk “later” I haven’t heard from him. And while it hurts a lot to accept he may not want anything to do with me, he also hasn’t said anything since yesterday. My mom said just give him time. What should I do?January 2, 2020 at 6:45 pm #330861
I didn’t understand what happened NYE: you invited him to spend NYE with you and your brother at your brother’s girlfriend’s family. Why didn’t he accept the invitation?
(I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours).
anitaJanuary 3, 2020 at 12:51 pm #330959
My mom actually invited him over for NYE. I let him know. On NYE day she was sloppy drinking very early and so me and my brother decided to change plans. I decided I would go with my brother to his girlfriends family house. I mentioned this to my beau, and he got upset thinking I was avoiding the idea of him meeting my mom which I wasn’t. I didn’t want her to be belligerent around him for his first time meeting her, so I offered the alternative of him coming w me to my brothers gf house and he got upset. Following that conversation, he got mad that I didn’t come pick him up from work. I too was snappy with him about him bringing it up. I believe this catalyzed the whole issue.
update: we spoke today. I asked is it was a good time to talk? No pressure. He asked what was up and I said I was wondering that, then he asked me to leave him alone. I said I only asked because in prior conversation he said he would speak to me later but we didn’t, so I wasn’t sure if we were speaking or if I needed to get my things. He said he would pack my things for me, and he didJanuary 3, 2020 at 3:04 pm #330971
You wrote about this man earlier that he is “kind, a wonderful listener“.
From what you shared I didn’t detect his kindness, but I did detect him not being a wonderful listener. He didn’t really listen to you when you explained to him that your mother was drinking and that (understandably) you didn’t want to spend NYE with her, nor did you want him to be in her presence while she was too tipsy, or drunk.
Do you think that I have a point, , that he wasn’t a wonderful listener, not even a good listener?
anitaJanuary 4, 2020 at 3:22 am #331059
I don’t think he was actively listening. In fact, that entire evening I found his behavior on the phone to be demanding, then immediately followed by pulling away and saying “it’s cool” or “it’s straight.” I’d like to also mention that at one point, he did call around 6pm when I was cooking with my family. I let him know I was gonna finish baking the rolls and would call him back. Time did get away from me and an hour later he called back quite upset. I apologized for getting caught up, but it was then that he started to tell me he was feeling like a “second option” because I decided to visit my godmother for NYE after he kept changing his mind about spending time with me. He repeatedly changed his mind about going out, to staying home, to wanting me to visit, etc. Then apologized for directing his anger at me.January 4, 2020 at 6:35 am #331073
You wrote in your original post: “I met a guy. He was persistent, kind, a wonderful listener and fun to be around. We hit it off right away”-
– this is why it is important to get to know a person over time, in different contexts, before jumping to the conclusion that the way a person is “right away”= who he is.
Over a little bit of more time, you found out that he is not that kind or fun, that he is impatient, demanding, easily angered, and demanding.
Pay attention not only to your behavior with a man, (having been focused on your possible mistakes alone), but pay attention to the man’s behavior, get to know him over time.
anitaJanuary 4, 2020 at 7:59 am #331079
I think most times he’s a good listener. I’ve seen him upset before and he still was, but last weekend and on Tuesday showed me he can be impatient with me. I think you had a point.January 4, 2020 at 8:59 am #331085
I suppose he was a good listener for as long as he wasn’t angry with you. In healthy relationships people listen and communicate well when calm and when angry. It is very important to listen and communicate well when angry so to resolve conflicts.
anitaJanuary 4, 2020 at 12:34 pm #331111
The resolving conflicts part is very important. In my dealings with him, I would often want to talk about the conflict right then, whereas he may avoid it and become bitter or salty later onJanuary 4, 2020 at 1:35 pm #331119
Yes, it is very important, necessary for any healthy relationship. Avoiding conflict, and then becoming bitter or salty- watch for this behavior in future men that you will be considering dating, and you will prevent a whole lot of distress in your life!
January 4, 2020 at 1:56 pm #331123
- This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I’m making that something I’m aware of in the future and start adjusting how snappy or impulsive when someone else upsets me! Thank you so much AnitaJanuary 4, 2020 at 2:01 pm #331125
You are very welcome, M. Post again anytime and I’ll be glad to read from you and reply.