Should I keep in touch with them

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This topic has 20 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Roberta.

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October 2, 2024 at 11:01 am #438510

Krish
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Dear Anita
I am currently studying and still not settled. I feel always let down by my family and always they undermine and disrespect me. I understand that I had a toxic father who was not available most of the time when I was growing up and he was subtly controlling. My sibling was always the favourite and my parents made decisions for me. My parents brought me the matrimonial proposal and I chose what was best at that time with two alliances and I made a wrong choice. My parents were not okay with the proposal and I still stood ground and got married . But it was wrong decision and my parents blame me for that. According to them they are always right even when they make wrong decisions. I felt controlled and had low self esteem and even now I am dependent on them as my life circumstances make me that way. I lost my mother to cancer and also my dad never understood my mental health . I moved away from them as I am starting a new course in a foreign country . But still my dad says that my sibling is my saviour and I should be gifted to a sibling like that. I feel let down and also they never include me in any financial decisions or never disclose the financial investments in the family . My father said that I might lose the property due to my irresponsible nature as according to them am a spendthrift

Since I am called irresponsible I would say that my dad can give all his property to my brother and I honestly don’t want this anymore and get more put downs and insults

my self respect makes me feel that I should renounce the property for good and get estranged from my father and sibling though they support me . I never felt included and want to steer clear of dramas

I don’t want their money as I will work hard in life to stand on my two feet and my self respect makes me feel that I should never contact them

I am happy being single the rest of my life and also am not a materialistic person and I want to lead my life in peace . I don’t have dependents and am a minimalist

one thing I can’t tolerate is dramas and putdowns. I had enough of toxicity in my life . Though my father is subtly toxic I can see where I subconsciously picked abusive partner from. I attract narcissists and emotionally unavailable men- my ex was one . I have closed that chapter for good

please suggest me what should I do to ensure am at peace. I don’t want to rely on them not even for a single penny

October 3, 2024 at 9:58 am #438528

anita
Participant

Dear Krish:

“I had a toxic father… My sibling was always the favourite… I moved away from them as I am starting a new course in a foreign country. But still my dad says that my sibling is my saviour… my self respect makes me feel that I should renounce the property for good and get estranged from my father and sibling though they support me… I am happy being single the rest of my life and also am not a materialistic person and I want to lead my life in peace . I don’t have dependents and am a minimalist… please suggest me what should I do to ensure am at peace. I don’t want to rely on them not even for a single penny.“-

– there is a saying, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”. I am expanding this saying to With family like these, who needs enemies?

I would say: do estrange yourself from people who are poison in your life, no matter their relation, including a poisonous/ toxic father and a toxic sibling. To endure poison because of the hope of inheriting property in the future, particularly when you have no dependents to take care of, is not a good idea.

You say that your father and brother currently support you financially. If I was in your place, I’d see to it that I can survive financially without their financial support before ending contact.

Personally, I ended all contact with my mother for over 10 years.

anita

October 3, 2024 at 3:39 pm #438532

Krish
Participant

Dear Anita

Thank you for the suggestion. The truth is I do love my father. He is may be 10% toxic but he is not understanding my health condition. Also my brother is really a lovely person and he was and is never toxic. It is Me who gets upset with them. I want to steer clear of the dramas as I affects my physical health a lot. I have lot of physical health issues. I will minimise my interaction with them but I really don’t want their property. I just want to feel good and get fulfilled in my life. I want to live life peacefully as a minimalist. Thank you for the suggestion. I do check with my psychologist whether my mental health issue is clouding my judgement. But she said am alright as I ask her different perspectives from how I can understand my situation and interaction with people. Have a lovely weekend.

Krish

October 3, 2024 at 3:51 pm #438533

Krish
Participant

Also if future interactions demand estrangement or going out of contact I will not hesitate to implement it. Thanks for being kind and supportive

Llove light and prayers

Krish

October 4, 2024 at 8:20 am #438536

anita
Participant

Dear Krish:

You are always welcome. “The truth is I do love my father“- children (of any age) love their parents even when angry at them. Underneath the anger, the hurt, the disappointments.. there’s that early-life love for them. A young child looks up to her father for protection, for approval, for help, and she is eager to please this powerful (in the child’s mind) figure. She’ll do anything for his approval.

A young child deeply values a parent, seeing the parent as a god. Too often a parent does not value the child and will treat the child accordingly. You wrote two days ago: “I feel always let down by my family and always they undermine and disrespect me“- undermining and disrespecting is congruent with seeing you as less valuable, less worthy than others (less worthy than your sibling, for one).

After too many disapprovals experienced by the child (undermined, disrespected), the older child/ adolescent/ young adult gives up on seeking the parent’s approval at times (for what would be the point..?) Maybe this is why, even though your parents were not okay with the marriage proposal, you stood ground and got married anyway.

I think that in general, a better question to ask oneself in regard to a parent, or in regard to anyone (better than does he/ she love me?) is: does he/ she treat me as a worthy/ valuable person (not as less than anyone else)?

My mother felt affection for me at times, and behaved accordingly, but when she did not feel affection (when not under the influence of affection, so to speak), she treated me as if I was worthless (verbal and physical abuse). After such treatments, she was back to affection, at times, but I could not forget the less-than treatments and I could not return her affection. From one point on, I was hurt and angry at her on an ongoing basis, and I felt guilty for feeling angry at her when she was being affectionate.

On her end, she was hurt by my anger (visible on my face). It is as if she did not understand the workings of a person (not understanding that abuse leads to hurt and anger on the part of the abused, and not only during the abuse, but after).

People of any age need respect/ to be treated as worthy individuals and not as less worthy than anyone else. It is a human need, a very real one. I wonder what you think of my thoughts here.

Love, light and prayers back to you!

anita

October 5, 2024 at 11:19 am #438546

Roberta
Participant

Dear Krish

Many things cloud our judgement & these are mostly go by without any awareness that they are active. If one is tired, hungry or need the toilet then their patience is obscured. When we are fearful or come across something that pushes our hurt button we can be come angry. Jealousy clouds gratitude & generosity.

Get to know & trust yourself, as you wish to live a minimalist life it should be easier to become financially independent. You have no control over what others may think of you or say about you ( if you have no contact you do not have to listen to their opinions). Live your life true to your values and you stand a better chance of achieving happiness & satisfaction.

regards Roberta
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