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Should I reach out after dating earlier this year?

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  • #404835
    Christin
    Participant

    I decided to write here, because I need advice.

    I dated a guy for about two months this winter. During that time, I enjoyed our time together and we always did fun things. The conversation was good and I could tell he was a good person, however a bit reckless. I felt ever since the first date that it didn’t feel 100% right. After a mountain trip we did early February, the first thing he did was drink a beer and also drinking around an hour before we were driving home which I told him was a bad idea. It scared me and it just left a really bad feeling deep within me. I want to date someone that’s responsible. I mean he was 30 years old. I feel he is a good person, but I felt like his values weren’t really align with mine. When we were together intimately and just making out, it didn’t make me feel any type of way and it made me even more insecure about us. The last two dates we had were three weeks in between. When he texted to meet up, I was the one that ended things. I just told him that I didn’t feel like our romantic relation went anywhere, but that I wish him well. And he wished me well back. We haven’t talked since that conversation.

    However, it’s been 4 months since we were last in contact and this morning I started thinking more about him and I want to reach out and ask how he is. He just moved to my country around the time we met and started a new job, and that must be a hard transition.

    I have just moved away from the city I used to live in and I will move 2 hours away. I am not sure what my expectations are if I reach out. Anyway, I am wondering what you would think if you were in his position. Would you have appreciated a text? I’m not sure if I would, to be honest, but lately my perspective has changed and I want to stay friends with people, at least people I care about even if it didn’t turn into anything more. I just felt we weren’t that compatible.

    #404839
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    I am not able to read and reply attentively at this time because I am in a rush, but would like to reply further later. I have one question that may help me understand your situation better: is it that you want to reach out to this guy because you just moved away from the city and perhaps away from friends there, and as a result, you are lonely now?

    anita

    #404840
    Christin
    Participant

    Thanks for replying, it means a lot. I feel very excited about my move and meeting new people. However, I had a ‘not so good’ first date a couple of days ago and this morning I got a notification that the guy I’m writing about just made a new Snapchat user. It made me think about our happy moments together and I was thinking it was a sign from the universe that I should message him.I feel like when I am lonely, I sometimes forget all the «bad» things and only focus on happy moments though, so I am not sure if that’s the reason why I want to reconnect.

    #404843
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    You are welcome. I am very low tech and never used snapchat, so I don’t know what it means that he “just made a new Snapchat user”. Can you explain it to me? (next, I will be away from the computer).

    anita

    #404844
    Christin
    Participant

    Snapchat is a social media app like Facebook. It’s different in the way that you connect with friends/family through sending pictures through this app. I have never communicated with this guy on Snapchat ever, so that’s why I found it odd and maybe like it was a sign from the universe that I got this notification.

    #404849
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Christin

    Whilst it doesn’t sound like you were compatible romantically, it sounds like things were left on good terms. I think it might depend on the individual regarding appreciating contact. That being said, I think it’s a very kind idea. I know I would be happy to communicate as friends in that circumstance.

    I think if you sent a message you’d very quickly find out if this individual would appreciate contact. Seems to me there’s nothing to lose. But perhaps it would be important to communicate boundaries if you are not interested in continuing dating? As people can be easily confused.

    #404856
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    I am wondering what you would think if you were in his position. Would you have appreciated a text?“-

    If you send him a message suggesting to be friends, he is not likely to like it.  Men who were rejected romantically by a woman are not inclined to want to be friends (of the without-benefits kind) with the woman who rejected them romantically/ sexually.

    If you send him a message suggesting to resume a dating relationship with him, he is more likely to like it.

    If I was in your place, I would need to be very clear, in my own mind, about what it is that I want from the guy, and then, if I message him, I would be very clear, honest and straight forward with him.

    anita

     

    #404863
    Christin
    Participant

    Okay, thank you so much for both of the replies. It means a lot to hear others point of views. If I decide to message him it’s not to necessarily ask to be friends, but I just want to hear how he’s doing with his job and life in general. I don’t expect him to send a super long message if he decides to reply. However, I feel like I need to think more about sending a message. Maybe the past is the past, and I should just leave it at that.

    #404870
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    You are very welcome. If you message him asking “how he’s doing with his job and life in general“, I think that he’ll be thinking something like: I wonder what she wants, maybe she wants to get back together, maybe (this or that). Then, depending on what he thinks you want, and what he wants, he will respond one way or another. If he thinks that you want to date him again, and he wants it too, he will tell you about his job, his life etc., so to give you the opportunity to become more clear and direct about what it is that you want.  If he is not interested in dating, he may not respond, or respond with a short, polite message.

    I was wondering, about two things: (1) Regarding  what you shared in your original post: “After a mountain trip we did early February, the first thing he did was drink a beer and also drinking around an hour before we were driving home which I told him was a bad idea. It scared me and it just left a really bad feeling deep within me. I want to date someone that’s responsible. I mean he was 30 years old“- do you mean that he drank only ONE beer within an hour of having to drive back? If it was only one beer, and especially if it was a light beer, and if he was drinking water as well during that hour, it doesn’t seem irresponsible to me. I wonder why it affect you deeply, that he drank that beer: do you have a family history of alcoholism, or other grave irresponsible behavior?

    (2) Regarding what you shared in your 2nd post, “I had a ‘not so good’ first date a couple of days ago”- what happened in that date, was it bad?

    anita

    #404871
    Christin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I grew up with a close family member that had an alcohol addiction and at an early age I was always very responsible and had to take care of my big sister a lot. It made me realize at an older age that I want a partner that knows right from wrong and that I don’t have to worry about doing irresponsible things, if that makes sense? I think drinking and driving is irresponsible behavior and<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>it doesn’t matter if it’s a small glass of beer or a light beer. I find it irresponsible to be in the skiing slopes after drinking alcohol, when there’s small children around and when it is also illegal to bring beer into the area. It just made me afraid for others safety too. I had a date last week that I just didn’t think was the best, we had little to talk about and I just felt like we weren’t a good match at all… whereas with the guy I am writing about, the conversations were good and there wasn’t any awkward silences I guess.

    #404872
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    I agree, of course, that drinking and driving is very wrong and very dangerous. After all the statistics show how deadly it is and how much suffering is caused by the practice. Also, there are many deaths and injuries caused by the use of alcohol in contexts other than driving. Having stated this, it seems to me that in addition to your position on the abuse of alcohol, you are also carrying unresolved anger from childhood, from having had to be too responsible too soon, when you were supposed to enjoy an irresponsible, carefree kind of childhood, and that this anger destroyed the potential of a lasting good relationship with the guy you got along with.

    And then having the recent date where you didn’t get along with the guy at all made you realize how well you got along with the guy we are talking about. Any truth to what I posted here?

    anita

    #404878
    Christin
    Participant

    The date I was on last week, is actually the first date that I had since this winter. While I was comparing this recent first date to the first date I had with the guy I dated this winter, it made me miss the good time we had together. However, I realized I might just miss the idea of what could have been between us and the fact that we just weren’t compatible. I am also moving 2 hours away and it might not be the best idea right now. He had some good qualities, but also other qualities I do not want in a future partner. I just want to thank you for replying Anita, because I do think my childhood wounds had an impact with the future between me and this guy. However I don’t want to dishonor myself by dating a guy that I know is not right for me and I also want to honor myself and the decision I made this winter when I ended it with this guy. I have reflected a lot today and have figured out that it is for the best that I just let this situation stay in the past. I am sure there are other men out there that is a better match for me and will make me feel safe. I appreciate that you took the time to reply to my post, it means a lot.

    #404880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation, you are kind. Your post of 10 minutes ago makes a lot of sense. I think that your decision is the right decision. So many people compromise what they know to be true and proceed to do what is wrong for them to do- because they get lonely or anxious or depressed, and in so doing, dishonoring themselves (I did).

    Therefore, it was pleasant for me to read: “I don’t want to dishonor myself by dating a guy that I know is not right for me and I also want to honor myself and the decision I made this winter when I ended it with this guy“!

    If and whenever you’d like to post on any topic, here or in a new thread, please do.

    anita

    #404882
    Christin
    Participant

    I think I finally came to the realization that the reason why I wanted to reconnect with him in the first place, was mainly because I felt lonely after the recent date I had. I haven’t missed the guy I used to date in the last 4 months at all, so me wanting to reconnect stemmed from loneliness, and maybe failure that the date I had wasn’t a success. So thank you again, for helping me think more clearly Anita.

    #404884
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christin:

    You are always welcome. Loneliness is a powerful feeling, so I understand. A little bit from Wikipedia on the topic of loneliness: “Loneliness is also described as social pain– a psychological mechanism which motivates individuals to seek social connections”- so, no wonder the title of your thread is “Should I reach out..?”- lonely, you were motivated to seek social connection!

    anita

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