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Should I stay or break up?

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  • #397187
    Sam
    Participant

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, I’m 30 and he’s 33. We were long distance (LA to NYC) the first year or so until I moved to NYC. We lived together with 2 other friends in a big apartment during the pandemic as a fun thing to do with friends, but living with friends meant we rarely had alone time and I felt our connection weakening, so about 8 months ago, I decided I wanted to put my stuff in storage to go back to LA / CA for a month to decide if I wanted to move back (was supposed to only be a month or so). I remained undecided about if I wanted to go back, and in the meantime my bf and I decided to take advantage of not being tied down to an apartment and reunited every other month in a new city for a month stay in between going back to our parents’ houses. Along the way, I’ve doubted if I should stay with him because I’ve felt bored and because he didn’t want to move back to CA with me. Now, I have a renewed understanding of my own issues from childhood through therapy (fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, disassociating and rushing to the “eject” button before dealing with those issues) that I feel ready to tackle with him to see how that changes how I feel, and I’ve also been clearer about my own needs, to which he has been immensely responsive and also has now even agreed to move to CA with me (after doing just one more year in NYC where his job is currently) and has been very clear that he wants to marry me. But for some reason, I still have dreams and feel my intuition telling me to end things and move to LA on my own and feel this impulse to run and do my own thing. I also feel anxiety about making him do the move to LA, like he wont be in his element there and it won’t be fun. I tried to break up, but it was too hard and I’ve now agreed to do another month in NYC to really work on rebuilding the intimacy to give it a real chance with this new understanding of my own issues that I hadn’t had before in case that changes how I feel intuitively before deciding on what to do. I don’t really want to be in NYC right now, but in the long run, if we do spend our lives together, it’s just a short term compromise to help him wrap things up in his current job and relocate eventually.

    What I’m struggling with is deciding if I should just cut things off because of the dreams I’m having and maybe take it as a sign that we are just not meant to be together no matter what, or if it’s worth putting the effort in because relationships take work, and if I don’t, I’ll just eventually end up with another person and run into the same issues when I had something good here all along that just required work.

    #397197
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sam:

    I will be able to read and reply to your thread in about 12 hours.

    anita

    #397206
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Sam!

    Apart from thoughts and dreams is there a reason that you specifically want to break up?

    I’ll warn you that everyone feels bored and has doubts from time to time in relationships. It doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship. Are you going to end a relationship that you haven’t communicated any issues about because you’re anxious?

    You said your partner wants to marry you. Do you want to marry him? If not, how come? You don’t have to answer here, but the questions are important to think about. Try to answer the questions based on your own personal feelings instead of concern for your partner.

    #397217
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sam:

    You shared that you (30) and your boyfriend (33) have been together for almost 4 years. First year you lived in Los Angeles, while he lived in New York City. Second – third year or so, you lived together (with two other friends) in an apartment in NYC. For a while, you considered moving back to LA, but your boyfriend didn’t want to. Most recently, he agreed to move to LA in a year from now. The two of you currently live with your respective parents’ houses on the two opposite coasts and get “reunited every other month in a new city for a month stay in between going back to our parents’ houses“.

    In therapy, you learned that you have a “fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, disassociating and rushing to the ‘eject’ button before dealing with those issues“. Your boyfriend has been “immensely responsive“, is willing to move to LA with you in a year, and he wants to marry you, but you partly want to “end things and move to LA on my own and feel this impulse to run and do my own thing“. You tried to break up with him but instead, you agreed to live in NYC for another month “to really work on rebuilding the intimacy to give it a real chance with this new understanding of my own issues

    What I’m struggling with is deciding if I should just cut things off because of the dreams I’m having…  or if it’s worth putting the effort in because relationships take work, and if I don’t, I’ll just eventually end up with another person and run into the same issues when I had something good here all along that just required work” – from what you shared, it seems to me that it is most likely that if you break up with him, you will run into the same issues, or put in other words, the same issues will follow you wherever you go. Seems to me that you should continue your therapy so to get more insight and understanding of your issues before making final decisions regarding your relationship.

    I’ve felt bored…  I still have dreams… the dreams I’m having” – would you like to describe the boredom, how does it feel, what thoughts occur in your mind when you get bored…and your dreams, what are they?

    anita

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