Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Should I stay or should I go?
- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.
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May 4, 2015 at 9:36 am #76119buttercupParticipant
I have a huge decision to make. The trouble is, I have recently entered a depressive episode. Not one of those horrific, thoughts of suicide ones, but enough for me to be doubting if any of my thoughts are reality or the result of my low state of mind.
I am currently staying with my partner who lives overseas, we met around two years ago and I am staying here with him for a 6 month period and we are planning for me to immigrate here.
The trouble I am having right now is that I am seriously struggling here. I am isolated, have very little money (not allowed to work on a tourist visa and not eligible for a working visa). I have no community here, friends or family, only him. So I rely on him and myself for everything. He has expressly said to me (not in a fight or anything, just while I was telling him how I feel about the struggles I am facing here) that I need professional help with this depression. I am unable to access professional help though. I have very little money, and don’t know this city well enough or how any of the medical services work here. I have tried researching for a counsellor or therapist near here and all the ones I have found are not accessible by public transport. Just trying to access help seems like an impossible task to me.
On a superficial level our relationship is amazing. And I know that I need to have self reliance to be in a healthy relationship and not to be dependent on him. But I cannot do this alone and I have no one else here. What am I supposed to do? Part of me is saying I that if I am unwell then I should just return to my home town where at least I have family and friends. But if I do that, this means that I will be unable to live here with my partner in the future because I cannot just keep running “home” when I am having difficulties here. We were planning for this to me my home here. But if I am unable to look after myself when I get sick then how is this relationship to work? Looking at what I have written here makes me think the relationship is doomed from the outset. How can I leave someone that I love so much and I know he loves me too. But is this reality or the depression telling me this?
I need an outsiders perspective, any input will be greatly received.
May 4, 2015 at 12:53 pm #76124LanaParticipantIt sounds very lonely. I was in a similar situation, but not as limited as yourself. At 17 I moved in with my boyfriend in another state. It was absolutely ridiculous when I look back at it now. I was miserable for a while, but learned to adjust eventually. We ended up being together for 11 years and eventually got married. In the end I felt insecure because I’d been so dependent on him for much of my life. We got divorced and I had to go down my own path before I could really learn about myself. I don’t know if this helps you, but that was my experience. On top of all that I too went through many depressive episodes. It wasn’t until I found a medication that worked for me, and stayed on it, that I felt like I could really see the picture clearly.
May 4, 2015 at 1:51 pm #76126LauraParticipantButtercup, perhaps you need to look at it as a learning curve – you have identified the problems before you move there for good which is a bonus! This means that when you do move you will know the areas that might cause you problems and you can look to sort them before they do.
On the subject of “running home” I feel you need to re-frame this – by labelling it as such you are viewing it in a negative light. You are recognising an issue with your health & wanting to fix it, don’t see that as a negative. Perhaps a more positive spin would be to see going home as the final stage in your plans to move. Return home to spend time with friends and family, sort out your visas and maybe look for work before you move for good. During this time you need to invest in yourself by getting the help you need in order to be well when you take that big step to relocate to be with your partner. You will not be able to do this successfully if you are unwell and do not have a support system there. Relying completely on him will put your relationship under unnecessary strain and ruin the amazing connection you have together.
If you seek help from a doctor, therapist or support group they will be able to help you find something similar in the place you are moving to in order for you to feel reassured in case of any recurring episodes once you have relocated. You will also have time to do more research on what would be available to you via the healthcare system in your new area.
You do not need to leave him. But you need to be well in this relationship for it to thrive and for your move to be successful in the long term. To do that you need to prepare the groundwork. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
Do not put yourself in a situation where you will feel isolated, unable to work, no access to transport, little money etc, etc. Take a little time to prepare your new life and the transition will be a lot easier. Explain to your partner that you want to move to live with him but you must sort some things out for yourself first to be truly happy and able to live well.
– Get help for your depression
– Ensure you are able to work in your new area
– Build social networks prior to moving, look up online forums for people that have already moved there from other areas for example or local social groups to do with a hobby you enjoy
– Research and understand the health system better including what help would be available to you
– Check out local depression support groups
– Find a therapist at home and ask them to help you find a good one in the area you are moving to
– Skype therapy can be an option if transport is a concern
– Above all communicate with your partner, be open and honest at all timesTake care xxx
May 5, 2015 at 10:01 am #76192AnonymousGuestIt makes me think, reading your post, that in this difficult situation you are in- you need new courage- courage to withstand and overcome the fear, get on the other side of the fear of being alone, of not knowing what to do…
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