fbpx
Menu

Should I stay or should I go

Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I stay or should I go

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • December 16, 2018 at 12:26 am #269409
    Cheryl
    Participant
    • I’ve been divorced twice and always been inclined to blame any breakup on me and my shortfalls not theirs

    I have only had 3 relationships and this particular one I thought would be my last

    he was a childhood sweetheart that got in touch and went from there. We are like a male and female version of each other, same humour music tastes morals etc etc

    I have to admit the sex wasn’t very enjoyable as he has problems and a low sex drive but I was happy to be with him even for a cuddle

    I am a passionate person and he is older old fashioned so I did struggle with that but the main thing is he is workaholic. I’m the summer we had more time and things did work out

    but over the last few months I’ve seen less and less of him . He has a daughter every Saturday and works in the day , most nights he’s in bed exhausted so I spend most weekends on my own and although I talk and talk about that I’m feeling he’s fitting me in , nothing improves . I honestly understand it’s gis livelihood but he often doesn’t invoice and doesn’t care about money he just can’t say no

    he walks his and his ex’s dogs 4 times a weeks too so leaves early if he stays at mine

    this weekend was the last straw although I said I was happy to cook dinner or take his daughter shopping , he just doesn’t involve me , he promised to text Friday he didn’t as had a quote

    said he’d ring Saturday but I got a text saying he’d just got home ( 9 o’clock) and was tired and how much he is looking fwd to seeing me over xmas

    I know he loves me he’s set I’m his ways and he has done things with me he had never done ( even taking a holiday ) but I feel abandoned second rate and if he can’t spare 2 mins to call things must be bad

    I just feel this is all about him I’ve had a terrible 2 weeks lots has happened and I don’t feel I can talk to him about anything so I’ve cancelled the cottage we were going to and told him it’s over

    i feel awful, guilty and feel like I’m trying to control a person where as I am actually ok being on my own I just feel like I’m walking uphill in a mudslide I’m surpressing who I am all the time to appease him

    did I do the right thing or have I been selfish

     

     

    December 16, 2018 at 7:32 am #269425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cheryl:

    From looking  at your 2016 threads I understand that your first marriage lasted 20 years, correct?

    As I understand it, your part in the failure of the second marriage and current relationship (there is  the man’s  part, of course, but I am focusing here on your part), is your anger. At times you get overwhelmed with anger and you do something impulsive, like you recently did, aimed at punishing the man: “so I’ve cancelled the  cottage we were going to and told him it’s over”.

    You wrote more than two years ago regarding the second husband: “Writing this I feel so calm and unattached, this is how I want to be but soon as I see a text, my  heart  pounds like mad and  my anger flares up”. You asked then for tips of “letting go of this need to punish him..  I know that the best revenge for me is to be happy… but at night I lay awake thinking you had no consequences to your actions… I just want to let  go of this anger and these ruminating thoughts of revenge”.

    You wrote that your second husband said that you were “very critical” and that the two of you argued  a lot.

    Everyone gets angry and anger is not a  bad feeling, it is a very helpful feeling when it motivates us to act for our well  being. Problem is when there is anger from long ago that is not settled, it is intense and when it  gets activated it overwhelms us and leads us to automatically react, lash out, do something, anything! which turns  out to be something  that does not work for our well being, but against it.

    I remember myself lashing out,  I remember the urge being so strong and all consuming, that something had to be done,  I couldn’t just sit there and stew forever!

    Do you relate?

    anita

    December 16, 2018 at 8:00 am #269435
    Cheryl
    Participant

    First reaction reading your reply was “ why she bringing up my last relationship? And it was anger

    you are absolutely right !

    I had a very angry mother who used to hit us a lot anger is something I do not like or want reading it back to me sounds childish and reactive . He has done things to justify me to be angry but I think aswell it’s an abandonment thing as my dad left when I was 4 and didn’t keep in touch

    Grateful for bringing that to my attention

    I will try to resolve this calmly

    much love Anita Thankyou

     

     

     

    December 16, 2018 at 8:14 am #269439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cheryl:

    You are welcome.

    Because I am no stranger  to intense anger and to reacting impulsively to it, and because I too, like you, had a very angry mother, and because I turned to Buddhism principles for help as  well and come a long way with managing and regulating anger to the point where I no longer react impulsively, let me know if you’d like to communicate with me further on the matter. Anytime.

    anita

    December 16, 2018 at 10:07 am #269453
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Cheryl,

    Even if you didn’t get angry or impulsive over this…. I think you made the right decision concerning your childhood love/friend. Let’s put it this way: you take second place to the ex wife’s dogs. His daughter, yes, you should take second place while she is so young. But the work? The dogs? THE DOGS!?

    Date this guy again: When the daughter is grown and the dogs are (all) dead.

    I’m serious,

    Inky

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.