Dear Cheryl:

From looking  at your 2016 threads I understand that your first marriage lasted 20 years, correct?

As I understand it, your part in the failure of the second marriage and current relationship (there is  the man’s  part, of course, but I am focusing here on your part), is your anger. At times you get overwhelmed with anger and you do something impulsive, like you recently did, aimed at punishing the man: “so I’ve cancelled the  cottage we were going to and told him it’s over”.

You wrote more than two years ago regarding the second husband: “Writing this I feel so calm and unattached, this is how I want to be but soon as I see a text, my  heart  pounds like mad and  my anger flares up”. You asked then for tips of “letting go of this need to punish him..  I know that the best revenge for me is to be happy… but at night I lay awake thinking you had no consequences to your actions… I just want to let  go of this anger and these ruminating thoughts of revenge”.

You wrote that your second husband said that you were “very critical” and that the two of you argued  a lot.

Everyone gets angry and anger is not a  bad feeling, it is a very helpful feeling when it motivates us to act for our well  being. Problem is when there is anger from long ago that is not settled, it is intense and when it  gets activated it overwhelms us and leads us to automatically react, lash out, do something, anything! which turns  out to be something  that does not work for our well being, but against it.

I remember myself lashing out,  I remember the urge being so strong and all consuming, that something had to be done,  I couldn’t just sit there and stew forever!

Do you relate?

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome.

Because I am no stranger  to intense anger and to reacting impulsively to it, and because I too, like you, had a very angry mother, and because I turned to Buddhism principles for help as  well and come a long way with managing and regulating anger to the point where I no longer react impulsively, let me know if you’d like to communicate with me further on the matter. Anytime.

anita