Should I tell him everything that bothers me ?

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 2, 2018 at 12:34 pm #184729

Orion42
Participant

Hi everyone, first of all Happy New Year to everyone 🙂

I am in the middle of a process to understand more the differences in my relationship. There are so many things that bothers me concerning my bf ( from small things like cleaning the house to his education or his personnality itself ). I tried to ” use mindfulness” in order to accept and understand our differences, so my question is: is it a good idea to tell him everything i don’t like about him or what scares me about him for our future ? or Is it pointless in this case ?

Thank you for your time and help !

January 3, 2018 at 2:42 am #184809

Derek
Participant

Hello!

Thanks for sharing! I have some of these negative and not useful thoughts regularly. One of my biggest fears is our differences in education and ‘intelligence’. However, I suffer with anxiety and realize that these thoughts are useless to me. I try to break out of thinking like that by saying a positive so for example:

‘I really wish he wanted to study and go to University’ followed by panic. I try and say ‘Well he is a kind loving person who made the most of his opportunities and I respect him for that’.

I also think that we are separate people. I LOVE studying, but truth be told I used it as an escape from a very difficult childhood. I never realized that not everyone feels the same, and is probably related to my perfectionist personality, which is also full of faults because perfect doesn’t exist.

Also, we are so much more than intelligence and social status. Firstly intelligence is so so so broad. He has traveled the world and knows so much more than me about history and travel. He teaches me that. I am really into psychology, emotions and feelings and I talk to him about that. Truth is that we must look for people outside the relationship to fill certain needs. What i mean is I have struggled for so long thinking he should provide me with every need and desire but again that is impossible.

Another thing and possibly the HARDEST: there are probably things that bother your bf about YOU! Its normal. I know my boyfriend sometimes just wishes I would relax more and enjoy instead of analyzing every little thing. The point is is that differences are normal and we both contribute to them. Do you really want a clone of yourself?

The future is scary for everyone, that’s what to focus on for mindfulness. Try and stay in the present. TRY. It’s hard but takes time. Be kind to yourself. The only constant is change and the present. The way I think about it is that he constantly encourages me to study and do the things I like. And originally I was hell bent on convincing him to study but overtime I realized he had a bad time in school with bullying etc and this probably really warped his image about studying so he made his own way. And I can’t change that and HAVE to respect that. I feel that I could turn to him on any day of the week and ask for help or cry my eyes out and he would be there for me straight away, and vice versa. Love is more than education. Grow together, that’s education.

Nothing is pointless, they are your feelings. But all of these issues are an internal thing, try and explore why it bothers you so much. What is it that scares you about the future and differences? Is it that past experiences have caused you to be so vigilant? Do you have a big critical inner voice (like mine) that makes me constantly judge and criticize him? I’m attaching a video that I watched on YouTube which helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ

Wishing you the best that love has to bring for you.

January 3, 2018 at 4:41 am #184815

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Orion42:

If some of the differences between you and your boyfriend make a healthy, functional relationship impossible, then those differences should not be accepted and the relationship not continued. Other differences are to be accepted, as there aren’t two individuals who are the same.

Regarding the differences to be accepted, I think that you should talk to him about those if there is something he can do to change those things and if it is reasonable to ask him to do so. For example, cleaning the house is something he can do, and depending on his schedule, cleaning the house half an hour a day may be reasonable to ask him.

On the other hand, you shouldn’t talk to him about things he cannot change and when it is unreasonable for you to ask him to change. For example, if he dislikes someone in your family because that someone is rude to him, he can not change his dislike and it is not reasonable for you to ask him to like, or associate, with that family member.

If you’d like to share specific examples of the differences you are referring to, please do.

* If your thread is about the same boyfriend you had for seven or eight years, the one you shared about in your April thread, then you should be aware of your anger at him, that anger fueling your intolerance of different aspects of him and resolve that anger.

In that thread you wrote: “I made him pay for other guys mistakes…I was putting all my anger on him…at each argument we have, I make him remind every single thing he has done to me in the past, I throw my anger at him all the time… I have this anger and hatred inside me and can’t let go… there is the ‘negative’ part of me telling me to make him understand how much I suffered, blame him for everything he has done, show my hatred towards him… ”

If your boyfriend is the same one, please do not abuse him anymore (I italicized the abuse part in the quote above). It is hurting his well being. You mentioned that he is depressed and is trying to heal: a depressed person cannot possibly heal when he is being abused.

anita

January 3, 2018 at 2:20 pm #184899
Orion42
Participant
Hello, Thank you to the both of you 🙂

@Derek : thanks a lot, i am actually trying to figure out why so many things about him bothers me and it is partly due to my own experience and own life. I do have (always) an inner voice and it’s not helping me lol.

@Anita: thank you Anita, it is indeed the same boyfriend. I made some efforts too, i am trying to trust him again but it’s not an easy task but i am really willing to try and i Told him about that.

I think that I have the perfect image of how my Bf or Husband should be, and this perfect image comes from what I see around me and what I have seen since my childhood, like how a man should be.

We have many differences: our cultures, our education, family is really really important to me and he is on the contrary not really close to his family and that scares me a lot for the future, I am a down to earth person and he is in his own world, i am an extrovert and he’s an introvert etc ….

But I am now trying to realise that he is not wired like me and I have to accept him as he is.

Anita, i am trying to let go of my anger and that’s why I’ve started this process of working on my self first. I know that my hatred toward didn’t help me to be open-minded regarding our relationship, my vision was always blurred. I was always protecting my self from him. Now that I am doing the work of pulling away this hatred, i’m starting to see some light and it as easier for me to understand those differences.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Orion42.
January 3, 2018 at 3:23 pm #184923
Eliana
Participant
Hi Orion42,

You didn’t say how long you have been with him. Do you love him, or are you in love with him? If so, there must be some great things about him, that you fell in love with. You can’t fall in love with someone because of their education level, the way they dress, how clean they keep the house. You can always ask him to go 50/50 with you on the chores..say he takes out the trash, does the tub, floors, you do the vacuuming, dusting, etc.

However, we can not fix it change our significant other. This is controlling. They usually will see it that way and become defensive…and it just makes things worse. Maybe you could take him by a shop window and say “this shirt/jeans/jacket would look so “hot, sexy, etc” on you. Bolster his ego. You never know..one day he might come home and surprise you wearing it because he wants to look nice for you. However, when we try to change someone, basically we are trying to “fix” childhood trauma from one of our caretakers or parents from our past, or unconsciously, a flaw in ourselves. If he is loving, supportive, makes you happy, makes you laugh, feels safe, these are truly the things that are lifelong that count. x
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Eliana.
January 3, 2018 at 3:31 pm #184927

Vicente
Participant

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January 4, 2018 at 7:13 am #184999

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Orion42:

Regarding your “perfect image of how (your) Bf or Husband should be”, it is not his fault for not matching that image. He was not formed with your image in mind, was he. You weren’t even in his life when he was born to the family he was born to, to that culture. You were not in his life when he attended the schools that he did, etc.

He became distant in his family not because he was born that way, because of a fault in his character, but because they rejected him first. How do I know? Because a child always reaches out to the parent, naturally. When the child is rejected, neglected, unattended to, is when the child withdraws and becomes closed, introverted.

I agree with you that anger does blur the vision. When anger is resolved or put aside for a while, then you can “see some light”, see through the blur. And I hope you keep seeing through, have a clear vision of what is real.

anita
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