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Sister in laws don't like me

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  • #148961
    Yvonne
    Participant

    I’ve been with my husband for 7 yrs, we have had issues but always over come them. We fight over things like his drinking, he wants to hangout all hours of the night and we can’t. We have 2 little ones (1yr & 2 yrs) he wants to go drink Ian’s I have a problem with it, we auto hangout and drink before we had babies, now I think it needs to cool down. He drinks and he gets annoying, falls to sleep and sometimes out of control. He has gotten physical with me but we have moved past that, I’ve always talked to his sisters or called them for help. We will fight and I will tell him to leave and he will go drink or whatever, well me and one of his sisters had a falling out and we sat down to talk and I thought we were good and past it. Well they had a baby shower this past weekend and didn’t invite me, I think my husband needs to step up and talk to his sisters. At one point he mad me take off all his family from Facebook before he would give me my password and his sisters got really mad at me, they don’t know everything I’ve endured with their brother. I should of called the police but never did, is cal them to talk to him. We auto get into it to cause his ex auto call all the time, one night I got so mad I told him it wasn’t okay and he had to leave if he was going to go hep her. Well he ended up going to spend the night at her house and I showed up early in the morning so upset me and his ex argued, her husband was there and I asked them her out of respect for our relationship to STOP all contact with him. He finally called her and told her to not call him for anything anymore! Well I’m still in the dog house with his sisters, what should I do?

    #148975
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yvonne:

    Your husband’s sisters: are you in contact with them at this point?  And do they visit with your kids, (being they are your kids’ aunts)?

    With all the drama going on, with your husband drinking, his ex, his sisters… what about your one and two year old? They need a peaceful home, not tension, arguments, and such.

    * Will be back in about ten hours, hopefully you will reply and so will I.

    anita

    #148977
    Yvonne
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m not in contact with them and they don’t visit,  My hubby is now working in North Dakota and will be routing and coming home for a week every 5 weeks for the rest of the year, his ex I’m not to worried about. I made myself very clear to her and her hubby and mother I was NOT accepting it and for her to STOP contact immediately! I always tell him my priorities is and always will be my children first, 99% of the time we don’t go and we hangout at home but thr is that 1% that gets to be to much at times.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Yvonne</p>

    #149003
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Yvonne,

    Well, his sisters will have divided loyalties. Of course they will side with you because you are right, but at the end of the day he is their brother. After (God forbid) a divorce you would be out of the picture but they would always have him, you know?

    Also, you don’t know what he’s been telling the sisters.

    With the shower, maybe they thought they would reduce the drama by not inviting you.

    What I would do going forward is NOT complain to the sisters about your husband. But every year or holiday or so make it a point to visit them or take them out. Maybe each one alone. Have it be all about them. This way they will feel relaxed around you again.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #148991
    Smile
    Participant

    A collegue of mine is going through similar situation. She told me about her ordeal and i gave her an advice which i am going to give you now. She however did not follow my advice and it resulted in her husband beating her for the first time in their marriage.

    Take it easy. Talk to your husband, i mean talk to him not argue or fight with him while talking to him about your unhappiness and distress. Talk to him and lets see what happens next. What i have noticed in relationships is good communication helps to avoid alot of problems

     

     

    #149017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yvonne:

    We all, I believe, like to be liked. I like to be liked. I wish everyone liked me; I wish everyone would have a smile on their faces when they thought of me. But it is not so. Some people don’t like me. As long as I don’t spend time with the people who dislike me, as long as I don’t have- to spend time with them, then it is okay with me. Can it be okay with you that your “Sister in laws don’t like (you)”- the title of your thread?

    It may be okay with you while you continue to have no contact with them and they continue to not visit.

    The problem with trying to make them like you is that you have to contact them, and then you have to control not only your communication with them, but your husband’s communication with them: what he told them already about you (when angry, or drunk) and what he will tell them in the future, without your presence, including what he will be telling them from North Dakota.

    I would let it go and work on my relationship with the husband. It is a good thing that you asserted yourself with his ex.

    That 1% you mentioned, “that 1% that gets to be to much at times”- if he is loud, if there is fighting during that one percent and the young children witness it- that is enough to harm them. Acts of aggression 1% of the time are not cancelled by the 99%: the loud voices of the one percent keep playing, in a child’s brain, for the rest of the ninety nine percent of the time (and into adulthood).

    anita

    #149151
    Ryze
    Participant

    Yvonne:

    You are right.  You are entitled to have boundaries regarding behavior that you will and will not accept.  Please consider,

    1. <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Speaking to DH from a place of love</span>.  When you standup  yourself though try to come from a place of love not anger.  I learned to say,  “I don’t feel loved  when . . .”  or “The way you  [blank] me doesn’t feel like love to me”

    2. <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Building Your Own </span><span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Support Network</span> – Do not consider his family people who you absolutely need.  I agree with Inky.  He may be telling you one thing and telling in-laws something <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>completely</span> different. Be grateful they did not invite you because now you know something is up.

    3.  <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Developing a follow through Plan</span>  – You have set reasonable boundaries for hubby(1. less drinking, 2. no dating ex).  Hopefully he will respect them, but perhaps he cannot (individuals can have such deep hurt and pain  that they engage in self destructive behavior). Start planning on having your own income, babysitters, emotional support for yourself.

    Ryze

     

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