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So Angry at Best Friend and Others For Past Weeks. I want peace

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  • November 1, 2018 at 7:44 pm #235049
    LordCharizard
    Participant

    This is my first time posting here but I’m just so angry at my best friend right now. I’m just trying to figure myself out and try to deal with this. This isn’t the first occurrence. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been irritated at my best friend mostly but at my other friends and I frankly don’t know what it is. I hope people can read this and help calm me down or try to figure out what I need to do to make peace with this anger.

    To start, I’m about to graduate college and I’ve done well. I have good grades and did well on a standardized test for the graduate program I plan to apply to. During this time, I developed a friendship with my best friend over our college career. We’ve always been super close to each other and he’s frankly one of my closest friends to this date. I’ve told him so much about myself that I think he knows everything same with him.

    These past few weeks I’ve just been tired whenever I see him or don’t feel like talking to him. This is why I am here. It’s just him though. Maybe one or two other friends but just him mostly. I’m very happy to see my parents, professors, and other friends but not him.

    I hypothesize a few things.

    One is that we are both on the same path (this goes for others I am angry at). What that means is that we both plan to apply to the same type of graduate program and so maybe it’s competition?

    Second is that I’m annoyed when he belittles my effort. What I mean by that is. I know he will take a couple of days to study for an exam. But this past week we took 2 exams together and he scored 2 points higher than me and he laughed at me and said “Wow, I only studied one hour and did better than you”. I just went off. I was annoyed before seeing him but after that I went full on livid internally. I didn’t say it aloud but I felt so heated inside because I know he studied a few days but he always acts like he barely studied. It’s so infuriating because I’m open about how much I study and stuff.

    Third is that he also belittles my resistance. For applying, we need to talk about whether we felt out financial status impacted our path to graduate school so I mentioned I’d be applying and writing an essay about that because I came from a rough neighborhood that didn’t have great educational opportunities and also that I’ve had to face certain hardships mentally due to my financial status. However, to him what financially disadvantaged means is that I am starving or homeless or something and that annoyed me today too. I don’t even know.

    Fourth, we’re not seeing each other after this year. I’m taking a year off and he’s applying straight into the graduate program and will probably get in and start right after we graduate. I will take a year to work and take a break from school. Anyways, maybe my brain is unconsciously protecting myself from having to deal with the separation from someone who I’ve been so close to for so many years.

    Overall, we’re still close. We joke a ton. Even today. We made a ton of jokes with each other but it’s just those things I mentioned that super angered me. Is it just realizing not everyone is perfect and people will say things you don’t like and you just have to accept that? I’m so angry in my heart. Not infuriated. Just so irritated

    Tl;dr: Angry at friend for some things he says. He’s still a good friend overall but I’m so angry at him at times. Sigh.

     

    November 2, 2018 at 9:19 am #235139
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LordCharizard:

    “is it just realizing not everyone is perfect and people will say things you don’t like and you just have to accept that?”, you asked.

    Let’s look at what he said to you after he scored higher than you in an exam, or two exams: “Wow, I only studied one hour and did better than you”.

    Never mind how long he studied, let’s just look at what he said. Didn’t he say to you in the quoted: I am smarter than you!?

    Reads to me that this is what he said. This means that the friendship, in his mind, is or should be between him, the smart  one, and you the not so smart one. It would make me angry too, to be in such a friendship. I don’t want a friendship being the not smart one of the two.

    As to the question I quoted in the beginning of my post to you: I don’t think you need to accept what he said, that is, I don’t think you should accept being the not-smart friend of the two of you. It is too high of a price to pay for a friendship.

    anita

    November 3, 2018 at 10:45 am #235245
    NXlv
    Participant

    This sounds like classic pre-med/med school drama hahaha. I’m assuming you’re on that path? I’m on that path…also “disadvantaged.” I’ve definitely been through this with friends and classmates and I have some wisdom to share!

    Unfortunately, the pre – med culture makes us feel like we have to constantly compare/compete with each other when we should compete with ourselves (be the best person/student we can be). Wether you realize it or not, you are comparing. And, comparison eventually leads to us feeling less than. It also gets really tiring after awhile.

    Please remember that if one person gets a point higher on an exam – IT DOESNT MATTER. So what if he starts now and you start in a year? You guys will both be doctors! What matters is that you’re on such an important path. What matters is the quality of care  you’re going to give your patients!

    When you start grad school, there will be many people like your friend, unfortunately. Here are some tips:

    (1) Don’t compare. I know, its hard.

    (2) Learn to set some boundaries in the friendship. When you feel like he’s irritating you, give him some space. ie: Take a break from the friendship for a few days/weeks. When I feel irritated, I take a FRIENDCATION. When we finally see each other, I feel like the break was definitely necessary and good for our friendship.

    (3) Don’t share grades. If someone asks how did the test go say, “It went okay, could’ve done better.”

    (4) Also, try and make friends that aren’t on this journey. You need a good balance of both to keep your sanity.

    (5) If a friend is giving you more grief than joy – let them go!

    It sounds like you guys have a solid friendship. You both are just on the same path and compare too much. I think once he starts school and is a year ahead of you, the comparison will stop. Keep the friendship though cause he might have some words of wisdom to share about first year 😉

    Also, you don’t have to explain your disadvantaged status to anyone – except admissions committees, of course! Just because you don’t live in a cardboard box doesn’t mean you aren’t disadvantaged. I grew up in a two parent home to working class parents. Both my parents didn’t go to college and I worked throughout college to pay my tuition. But, I went to an ivy so people think i’m super privileged lol. If you feel like you are disadvantaged – then you are.

    Good luck with grad school! Please remember none of this matters, just focus on giving your patients quality care!

    November 27, 2018 at 11:20 pm #261539
    LordCharizard
    Participant

    Oh wow! It’s like your read straight through me. I’m shocked! Yes I’m on the premed/medical school path and you hearing you talk about the disadvantaged status really helps so much. I don’t share it with anyone anymore because so many people judge because “I’m not starving”. Thanks so much NXlv. Same to you Anita.  Thank you so much for both of your kind words.

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