You poor thing. This whole thing has really gotten it’s fangs buried deep inside you and won’t let go. I’ve definitely been there and can completely empathize.

Have you started meditating yet? I hope so. Definitely go to a meditation center and get some training. Practice at least once a day for at least 10 minutes.

With that said, yes, people move on and start new relationships. Sometimes after they’ve been together for a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. And sometimes they start a new relationship after a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. It’s the reality of life. You can sit and ruminate trying to figure out why until your blue in the face and pass out completely. But there’s no answer that will completely satisfy your curiosity. Why? Because, it has more to do with you than with him.

So now, I’m going to propose something radical, so listen carefully – this man after whom your pining for never actually existed. He is an figment of your imagination and that imaginary person in your head to whom you have become so attached has disappeared. What you believed him to be, what you wanted him to be, what you idealized, fantasized, and imagined him to be, does not and did not actually exist. And, therefore, in the worst possible way, your mind is experiencing one of the most severe states of confusion as it tries to rationalize what you had assumed, perceived, thought, hoped for versus what is actually reality.

You’re not unique. You’re not the first. You won’t be the last. It’s really a state of being that we have been poorly prepared for. In fact, I would say it’s actually a situation that we have been almost primed for by our society and its views on what love and romance are supposed to be – “true love”, “best match”, “soul mate”, “perfect partner”, “until death do us part”, “the one that will never hurt you”, “the one that will never leave you” etc. etc. That’s not love. That’s not reality. That’s superficial nonsense and gobble-gook. I don’t mean to disavow these things completely and strike it out all together, but just recognize it for what is and treat it simply as romantic entertainment.

I believe that love in the purest sense of the word is non-attachment, stable, calm, composed, kind, gentle, soft, generous, forgiving, peaceful. If we truly experienced love and saw our partners in their entirety and accepted the impermanence of any relationship either by death or any other factor, we’d be able to let it go with little or no pain and suffering and find acceptance and comfort in our own being.

But no! Your mind rages against the machine! It clings! It holds on! It grasps and won’t let go! It feels groundless and hopeless. It doesn’t remember how to be alone and at peace.

Poor child. So scared of the future. Mistreated. Not given enough love and attention. Not taught that there is nothing outside of itself that it needs to be stable and whole. Give it a hug. Tell it, that it’s okay to feel sad, but that it’s going to be okay and that from now on, you’re going to take care of it and nurture it. You’re going to be there for it. You’re going to give it the attention and love it deserves. And that love is going to come from within first and foremost. And if other people want to love you, you’ll accept it graciously and add it to the already abundant love that you have inside of you. And if they take it away, it’s okay. Because you will cultivate enough love and self-compassion to last you as long as you live.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by John.

E,

You’re welcome! I sometimes get concerned that typed out “tough love” will be interpreted as an absence of love, which I assure you is far from the case. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

john… I just want to say your message really spoke to me… I am trying to move away from insecure needy love into loving with peace and non attachment… Its a struggle as the mind is a scared a child who feels there is not enough love… that I am not enough… This is a lesson I have been working on for a while.. trying to just sit with inaction and allow my thoughts to come… and then trying to let go and realise like u say they are not the reality…. I see so much needy scared love all around me… I am infected with it too.. But the more I let go… the more I trust in love and myself the calmer I feel and the more love I feel from others… I also really understand what you are saying about loving yourself and treating your self like that scared child…

Its very powerful to truly love yourself… not through vanity or arrogance but with acceptance and patience.. To truly believe it is a further matter, but to really say its ok,, no matter what happens you have me… I will never leave you… I will always love u… I will protect you and forever be your true friend….It somehow also removes the fear from loving outside yourself… For you always have your own support…

This is something I have been working on for a few years… And dearest E…. A funny considence… I refer myself as E and my ex partner was also E on my mobile… Weird…. Anyway E… You are enough… Listen to frantic mind allow it to vent allow it to scream… but try and be aware this is not the reality it is your mind projected reality… you have control over how you perceive and react… Be kind to yourself… love yourself…. soothe yourself…

I have been in a very similar mind state as you… It nearly destroyed me… And on the other hand… saved me and showed me such amazing lessons…. At this stage you probably don’t see that but keep doing what your doing.. talking.. reading the posts on this site… you will get through to the other side

Namaste.

Hello E,

If you are wondering why some people move on so fast, it’s usually not because they have “moved on” or found a better one or had this coming, but it’s mostly because they wanted to self-assure their worthiness.

When break-ups happen, whoever is feeling like the inadequate one is searching for a way to reassure he/she is capable. So they pick-up someone fast, without much thought. Often this ends up in another disastrous relationship and more pain but that’s another story.

Building back confidence should happen from within. So don’t let this bother you. It’s not your problem anymore.

Cheers.