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So devastated and inconsolable

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  • #38900
    E
    Participant

    Hi everyone! I have been writing about my break up for a while now and it’s been hard to take in all the advice and process what’s been going on lately.. Today I was faced with the biggest challenge of all. I was exiting my subdivision when I noticed an expedition passing by on Main Street. At first I didnt want to believe it but as I turned into Main Street and was next to vehicle, I noticed that the person driving was my ex and yip he wasn’t alone. I thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me so I turned to get good look at the guy and it was him…we have only been broken up three weeks and He has someone else already. I hadn’t been leaving house for fear of running into him and sure enough it happened. He didn’t turn to look. This was the man I was engaged to guys, all along I kept assuming his behavior was leading to something like this, since I’ve been cheated on before by my ex husband, but I didn’t think he would have moved into another relationship,so quick. I had asked Him face to face before if he was seeing anyone, his words were he wasn’t seeing anyone and wasn’t looking for anyone…he wanted to focus on his son……..I have always felt the truth hurts less than a lie so by him just saying its over I’m done I have moved on would have helped me to move on and accept thgs vs seeing him like this. One thing I was happy for was that I didn’t react I just kept driving to where I was headed. I called a close friend and he spoke to me. I am so devastated yet proud for not calling or texting him after the fact. Why does this always happen to most people, where someone just moves on to next person, ESP after having been engaged to someone. I know it isn’t revenge or vindictiveness because he would have made sure I found out sooner. So now what? Please some advice….I can’t even cry anymore,,,,just have a lump in my throat.

    #38904
    Matt
    Participant

    E,

    I’m sorry for your pain… I wish that there were additional gentle, consoling words to help, but you seem to be in a loop and stubbornly minded!

    He moved on. You haven’t. He was in a car with someone, and you assume it was your replacement. Your pain is your pain, its not from him. Consider screaming and beating on some pillows. You seem to be suppressing instead of healing, cycling instead of using the situation to work with your mind.

    I really don’t wish to be harsh, but your mind is strong enough that perhaps it needs a kick in the butt to get it unstuck. You’re torturing yourself and ignorantly blaming him. Its your issue, not his. Scream it out, writhe your body, get the energy moving. Or wallow, you are blessed with free will and can suffer as long as you wish.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38906
    John
    Participant

    You poor thing. This whole thing has really gotten it’s fangs buried deep inside you and won’t let go. I’ve definitely been there and can completely empathize.

    Have you started meditating yet? I hope so. Definitely go to a meditation center and get some training. Practice at least once a day for at least 10 minutes.

    With that said, yes, people move on and start new relationships. Sometimes after they’ve been together for a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. And sometimes they start a new relationship after a day, a month, a year, a decade or more. It’s the reality of life. You can sit and ruminate trying to figure out why until your blue in the face and pass out completely. But there’s no answer that will completely satisfy your curiosity. Why? Because, it has more to do with you than with him.

    So now, I’m going to propose something radical, so listen carefully – this man after whom your pining for never actually existed. He is an figment of your imagination and that imaginary person in your head to whom you have become so attached has disappeared. What you believed him to be, what you wanted him to be, what you idealized, fantasized, and imagined him to be, does not and did not actually exist. And, therefore, in the worst possible way, your mind is experiencing one of the most severe states of confusion as it tries to rationalize what you had assumed, perceived, thought, hoped for versus what is actually reality.

    You’re not unique. You’re not the first. You won’t be the last. It’s really a state of being that we have been poorly prepared for. In fact, I would say it’s actually a situation that we have been almost primed for by our society and its views on what love and romance are supposed to be – “true love”, “best match”, “soul mate”, “perfect partner”, “until death do us part”, “the one that will never hurt you”, “the one that will never leave you” etc. etc. That’s not love. That’s not reality. That’s superficial nonsense and gobble-gook. I don’t mean to disavow these things completely and strike it out all together, but just recognize it for what is and treat it simply as romantic entertainment.

    I believe that love in the purest sense of the word is non-attachment, stable, calm, composed, kind, gentle, soft, generous, forgiving, peaceful. If we truly experienced love and saw our partners in their entirety and accepted the impermanence of any relationship either by death or any other factor, we’d be able to let it go with little or no pain and suffering and find acceptance and comfort in our own being.

    But no! Your mind rages against the machine! It clings! It holds on! It grasps and won’t let go! It feels groundless and hopeless. It doesn’t remember how to be alone and at peace.

    Poor child. So scared of the future. Mistreated. Not given enough love and attention. Not taught that there is nothing outside of itself that it needs to be stable and whole. Give it a hug. Tell it, that it’s okay to feel sad, but that it’s going to be okay and that from now on, you’re going to take care of it and nurture it. You’re going to be there for it. You’re going to give it the attention and love it deserves. And that love is going to come from within first and foremost. And if other people want to love you, you’ll accept it graciously and add it to the already abundant love that you have inside of you. And if they take it away, it’s okay. Because you will cultivate enough love and self-compassion to last you as long as you live.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by John.
    #38908
    E
    Participant

    Thank u Matt I got down for a moment but I screamed, yelled, kicked, and am feeling better now…I know what I have to do and promise to continue taking in everything you have recommended…I think I was more in the moment. Thank you for your advice.

    #38909
    Matt
    Participant

    E,

    You’re welcome! I sometimes get concerned that typed out “tough love” will be interpreted as an absence of love, which I assure you is far from the case. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38911
    E
    Participant

    Thank you John for your kind words. Will take it to heart.

    #38982
    Laia
    Participant

    john… I just want to say your message really spoke to me… I am trying to move away from insecure needy love into loving with peace and non attachment… Its a struggle as the mind is a scared a child who feels there is not enough love… that I am not enough… This is a lesson I have been working on for a while.. trying to just sit with inaction and allow my thoughts to come… and then trying to let go and realise like u say they are not the reality…. I see so much needy scared love all around me… I am infected with it too.. But the more I let go… the more I trust in love and myself the calmer I feel and the more love I feel from others… I also really understand what you are saying about loving yourself and treating your self like that scared child…

    Its very powerful to truly love yourself… not through vanity or arrogance but with acceptance and patience.. To truly believe it is a further matter, but to really say its ok,, no matter what happens you have me… I will never leave you… I will always love u… I will protect you and forever be your true friend….It somehow also removes the fear from loving outside yourself… For you always have your own support…

    This is something I have been working on for a few years… And dearest E…. A funny considence… I refer myself as E and my ex partner was also E on my mobile… Weird…. Anyway E… You are enough… Listen to frantic mind allow it to vent allow it to scream… but try and be aware this is not the reality it is your mind projected reality… you have control over how you perceive and react… Be kind to yourself… love yourself…. soothe yourself…

    I have been in a very similar mind state as you… It nearly destroyed me… And on the other hand… saved me and showed me such amazing lessons…. At this stage you probably don’t see that but keep doing what your doing.. talking.. reading the posts on this site… you will get through to the other side

    Namaste.

    #38984
    E
    Participant

    Thank you Laila! I have been trying to do my best And trying to take it all in one day at a time. It feels like I’m faced with more challenges each day, but I remember Matt and johns views and I become grounded again. I guess I’m just in shock that this relationship has really affected me so much…I have been in other ones and I was able to move on quickly and I accepted things for what they were. Even my divorce was easier to accept. I sometimes wonder if its age, I’m 38, or the fact that I have four children and its hard to meet individuals who will accept a woman with four kids. Anyway, I don’t wanna get off on a tangent because then i start thinking about the past and I’m trying to just accept it and be gone with it, but you are right I sometimes feel like if I’m going insane with my thoughts. I can tell you that the insecurities and lack of self,esteem are there but I just need to be positive and remember that I need to love myself first before moving on into a healthy relationship.

    #39582
    Lohan
    Participant

    Hello E,

    If you are wondering why some people move on so fast, it’s usually not because they have “moved on” or found a better one or had this coming, but it’s mostly because they wanted to self-assure their worthiness.

    When break-ups happen, whoever is feeling like the inadequate one is searching for a way to reassure he/she is capable. So they pick-up someone fast, without much thought. Often this ends up in another disastrous relationship and more pain but that’s another story.

    Building back confidence should happen from within. So don’t let this bother you. It’s not your problem anymore.

    Cheers.

    #39645
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    Thanks so much to everyone in this thread. It’s really helped me with some of my own struggles in the same vein.

    Especially John’s words “I believe that love in the purest sense of the word is non-attachment, stable, calm, composed, kind, gentle, soft, generous, forgiving, peaceful. If we truly experienced love and saw our partners in their entirety and accepted the impermanence of any relationship either by death or any other factor, we’d be able to let it go with little or no pain and suffering and find acceptance and comfort in our own being. ”

    I imagine I’ll come back to this thread now and again to remind myself.

    #39646
    E
    Participant

    Thank u loan u made so much sense and yes I have let go…after reading everyone’s advice, it’s been hard to take it Ll in but I have made so much progress…a month ago I truly felt like nothing, like no one would ever look at me as attractive, etc…now that I am working out and doing things for myself, I have gained some confidence back…it seems like I’m doing better alone than when I was in that relationship. Thank u for your kind words. 🙂

    #39679
    Germaine
    Participant

    E,
    Have faith! Stay strong! Your pain is so familiar. I’m rooting for you even though you don’t know me at all. There are good people in this world, and I believe you’ll find happiness again.

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