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Starting a new way of approaching relationships

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  • March 10, 2016 at 7:57 am #98522
    Faye
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve been a big fan of this website for quite a while now, and I’m absolutely loving the discovery of the Buddhist mindset. It feels like I’ve finally found something meaningful that can be a part of my life.

    However I am having some difficulty understanding the concept of unattachment in relationships. I have been single now for about 9 months after jumping from one long to term to the next and being extremely unhappy. I told myself at the end of my last relationship I would be single for 6 months at least to allow myself some recovery time.

    I have loved being single (yes there’s been time of loneliness too!) and I thought I felt ready for this new unattached, “live in the moment”, don’t have expectations, way of dating. However, I am stumbling quite early on! I joined an online dating site, met up with a few people for disastrous dates (which luckily I do find the funny side of thanks to my new approach!) but I connected with one person who is now pulling on those attachment heart strings. I would love to meet up again, but I don’t want to seem too pushy. And aren’t we trying to learn not to want things? Because wanting leads ultimately to unhappiness? Perhaps I have misunderstood this concept.

    I have decided to take a step back from asking to arrange further dates, but I am keeping in daily contact with them, being chatty and friendly but I feel perhaps I should leave the ball in their court as I made it clear how much I enjoyed their company.

    So the advice I’d love to hear from you all is, am I struggling with this concept because I am still in the old mindset of needing to be in a relationship? How do you pursue a relationship without the desire or expectations?

    All thoughts gratefully received!

    Felix

    March 10, 2016 at 8:20 am #98526
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Faye:

    I am in no way an authority on Buddhism. I am familiar with the principles. This is my personal input to you regarding the principle of unattachment in relationships to things and to people: it is impossible. At times you will feel unattached and happy, oh the relief. But it is impossible to maintain it for life. Maybe not even for a day.

    It is simply not possible because we are social animals, genetically. We are born that way: born with the strongest attachment imaginable to our main care taker, usually the mother. Just like the other mammals and other animals.

    But unattachment is not a useless principle, or concept. On the continuum of an adult being overly attached, to one’s detriment on one end, and on the other end of the continuum, being unattached (an impossibility)- it is a good principle to practice Moderation (another Buddhist principle).

    What do you think about what I wrote here?

    anita

    March 10, 2016 at 10:53 am #98553
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Hi Faye,

    I wanted to share this advice from an article I came across. Maybe you’ll find the advice useful. I’ve been following it myself.

    “Keep a positive, but sober view of the person in front of you. Look, I don’t want to be the cynic who comes along and tells you to be withdrawn and skeptical every time you meet a guy who seems great.
    But here’s the thing: you can still be positive, vulnerable and open, whilst also reserving judgment on someone until you know more about them. Think of this as a kind of ‘mature vulnerability.’ You are giving and open, but you’re also self-respecting enough to only invest in a new guy to the extent that he also shows investment back in you.
    This also comes down to knowing what you want, and being willing to walk away if he has habits that make him wrong for you in the long-run e.g. he’s way too career-obsessed, he doesn’t care about having a family, he has no standards for his health and well-being.
    Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the ‘Invest, then test.’ You invest a bit, then see what you get back. Then invest again, then test again. And repeat so that you know you’re entering a relationship that is a two-way street, with both sides giving as much as one another.”

    March 10, 2016 at 2:31 pm #98563
    Eris
    Participant

    My understanding of ‘unattachment’ in this way is not that you can’t want something or someone, that you can’t feel a desire to be with someone but that it does not become your be all and main focus or reason for doing things, that you don’t grasp at it and clutch it tight to you and feel disproportionate emotional pain at the thought of it being ripped apart from you.

    My understanding is that it is like sitting in a garden when a bird lands in front of you and you hold out your hand to the bird. you understand that it is the birds nature to not be held, to fly away but that doesn’t mean you can’t have great joy when it decides to hop on you hand and look you in the eye for a while and if it does that you don’t try and grab it and keep it as a pet in a cage but you stay still and allow it to be and when it flies off you don’t feel pain at it leaving or lesser for it going but joy that you had that rare precious moment with it.

    March 11, 2016 at 1:59 am #98642
    Faye
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    Thank you for your input. It is really interesting to think about, but extremely difficult in practice! The idea of invest and test is a good bit of advice for being in a fair relationship.

    I suppose it is about enjoying what is right in front of you at the time, and worrying about attachment is actually the fear of loosing it, which is in turn worrying about the future which isn’t always healthy.

    I’m still young and learning! But I’m sure these ideas will become clearer to practice in time.

    Thanks again everyone, you’re all awesome!

    Faye

    March 11, 2016 at 7:53 am #98671
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Faye, anytime!
    anita

    March 13, 2016 at 11:25 am #98858
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Eris: I loved your bird analogy! I’d like to practice that. I think we all know the bird will eventually fly away, so we appreciate its company and beauty *in the moment.* I think that’s the key! We stay present when the bird is there and appreciate it for what it is. We don’t think, “What’s going to happen when this bird leaves? What am I going to do with myself in its absence? Why can’t the bird stay all of the time?”

    You could easily replace those statements with people when it comes to dating and relationships. So, stay in the moment with the person you’re with (to a reasonable extent… obviously be clear if your intention is to eventually find a relationship that may be suitable for long-term companionship).

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