Still Thinking of Ex as I Did Before the Breakup

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    Hello. After 3 years of dating my ex called me 3 months ago to say she wasn’t in love anymore and was breaking up with me. I was still very much in love, and this came completely out of the blue. I haven’t had any contact with her for about 2 months. I’ve been diving into Zen Buddhism and using mindfulness techniques to make peace with my occasional heartbreak and loneliness. This has been going quite well, as I’m slowly learning how to remain in the present moment and understand that my thoughts are only thoughts, not reflective of reality.

    However tonight I’ve stumbled upon a new realization I’m not sure how to approach. The majority of my previous relationship was long-distance, so I got used to having only the memory/thought of my ex to love. Tonight I keep catching myself thinking of her the same way I did while we were still together. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll instinctively start reaching for my phone to tell her I love her, before remembering that she’s no longer in my life. Any advice for coming to terms with the ghost of an ex-love? Thanks.


    Grantg5 – Hello, I’ve come to find your blog and uplift you.

    My belief is that love never dies, once you love someone and give them a piece of your heart it theirs to keep and carry with you. A part of you always lives inside of that person and a part of them will always live inside of you forever. Whether we acknowledge that or not is up to us.

    It’s always good to be present and cherish every moment and every day that is given to us. Each life is precious, here today and gone tomorrow. That is why it’s always important to cherish each and every moment of your life. Most importantly, the people who seek you and want to be a part of your life, are the ones who truly love you and this are the people want to keep in your life forever.

    Even though your ex is no longer in your life at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with telling her that you love her and that you send her a lot of love. I don’t see the crime in that. The best thing I can tell you is to stay positive and hopeful towards the future. It’s sad that there are people in our society that don’t have the courage to sit down and talk to each other like human beings and workout their difference. It’s immature. I’ve always admired the people who care to make their relationship better and stronger with each other. Long distance relationships never work out in the end from what I have observed, there’s something to be learned from that.

    I will say that in the end, you always get back what you put in a relationship. If you abandon a relationship and throw your partner to the wolves ( this goes for anyone ) your relationship will cease to exist. You get nothing back from a relationship that is one sided unfortunately. The good news is that love exists in many places if you exude & radiate love, then you will attract that in your life. Life can be a crazy weird ride but if you believe in all of the possibilities and positivity to be had in this journey and want to have an abundance of love. You will attract that.

    You are going in the right direction so far by staying positive and cherishing each moment given to you, very proud of you! I send you a bunch of love, positivity & light my dear soul.




    Hi grantg5,

    There is nothing so intoxicating as someone saying (truthfully), “I have unconditional love for you. I only have Pure Love for you. I Love You love you!” And then you are just there. Never reaching. Never demanding. Never grasping. Kind of like a butterfly house. If you go in one and are very still (and don’t run around hunting them down), the butterflies eventually will land on you. And for your favorite butterfly, who knows??

    Now as for the present, give yourself a break. It is still VERY soon after the breakup. I’d be worried if you WEREN’T having some residual reactions!




    Dear grantg5:

    Maybe your reaction of diving into zen fits with the fact that the majority of your relationships were long distance and that (it is a possibility, in my mind) your relationships were mostly about thinking, a mental activity in your own head, rather than an exchange of raw emotions and actions.

    maybe you are more comfortable with mental activity instead of the physical emotion life, emotion as in energy in motion. Motion, action, movement of that energy.

    You wrote that your ex gf broke up with you after three years “out of the blue.” I find it curious that you did not mention the WHY of her breaking up with you, that is, since it was out of the blue, were you not curious as to why? Were you and then abandoned such thoughts? Did you ask her?

    This is an opportunity, perhaps, to learn how you operate. Zen is wonderful, a wonderful practice… but even that “in moderation”- that is, not as an escape from what we do have to deal with, but as a skill and practice for better living. Better living as in energy in motion, raw and interactive with another.



    Thank you everyone for the replies. anita, you’re exactly right with the relationship being mostly about thinking. I spent a lot more time thinking about her than actually seeing her. As for the breakup it was a few things. Partially it seemed to be that I got an internship on the other side of the county and she couldn’t join me due to money issues. It had already been a few weeks since we’d seen each other, and we were afraid of spending 9 weeks apart this summer. We were both in dark places at the time, feeling depressed and unsatisfied with our own lives. I think we became dependent on each other for happiness and fulfillment instead of finding ourselves. Her final reasoning was that she had fallen out of love in the last few months, and was continuing the relationship due to comfort and dependency. Although I miss her and the closeness I had with her I realize the breakup was the right thing to happen for us both.

    I’ve been trying to drive myself into feeling better, and I realize now that I need to accept and feel these emotions. Thank you everyone for the kindness.

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