Still try or give it up?

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This topic has 25 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 2, 2018 at 12:04 pm #190265

Maria
Participant

So, I met this guy online, we started talking and hit it off. After 4 days of talk, we decided to meet. On our fist meet, there were no expectations, I only wanted to meet new people. But we got so along, that ended up kissing. Since then (this was ’round last year’s November), we would meet each other at least once a week, as we live close and he has no friends around (he’s from another town, but has moved due to his job). We would chat everyday, he would always send me something just to make a conversation. It really felt there was something else. By the end of the year, he went to his hometown and got back on January 2 or 3, we met on January 5 for I had bought him a gift (something he wanted so much and couldn’t find), we met, we talked a lot, made fun at each other, all these cute things people supposed to be more than just friends do. By the end of the date, I gave him his gift and he kissed for so long, I could swear he was into me just as much as I was into him. On the following Friday, after talking to a friend, I decided to open up. We met next to a café, sat by its stairs, and I told him I was really enjoying seeing him (couldn’t say anything but that) and turned my face, because, due to previous experiences, I feel insecure of opening up. We must have remained about 5 minutes or more in silence, until I said “So?” he said he was thinking and then “I like seeing you, hanging out with you, I like your company, but I don’t know if it is in the same way you do”. Everything came down. More silence. Realising how uncomfortable I was, he started playing with my hair, put his hand on my back, laid me on his lap… There was a moment, he stood up so I waved but he said he wouldn’t leave me like that on the middle of the street, he started smoking and said he didn’t know what to do, because I couldn’t look at his face or talk to him. He offered me something to eat, drink, but I refused and asked him to walk me to my bus stop. We walked through the main street in silence, until I said “keep on, I’ll follow this cross street” and crossed the main st to get to the other side. He followed me, said something to which I turned to him and said “You go that way!” he asked if I would stop talking to him and I said “I will”, turning my back and just listened to his “Got it”. It broke my heart, but I didn’t know what to do… On that same day, at home, I sent him a message apologising and he said it was ok, for I was nervous. I said I didn’t want to stop talking to him and he said he neither. But since then, we haven’t met. It’s been 3 weeks now since that day. He keeps liking my things on facebook, this week I published something on my instagram stories to which he replied and said “You’re so cute indeed” and asked “How are you, missy?” through insta dm but I reached in on his whatsapp “I’m fine, Mr. That Makes Conversations On DM” and started talking, not as we used to, but… Talking… Still, I sense he tries not to get so into talking maybe for being insecure of increasing my expectations… Today, I sent him a “Good Morning” message, but still reflect if I should have done it or simply forget him, let things be… I confess I never felt so comfortable being myself next to a guy as I’ve felt next to him. I wouldn’t feel judged for saying silly things time to time, for making geek jokes, because he is just like that as well. Our fun at each other would be so similar and the “worst” is that he keeps showing through his FB posts how we would love to be in a relationship… It just drives me nut because if he wants it, why not try? 🙁

February 2, 2018 at 12:14 pm #190349

Mark
Participant

Maria,

I’ll let him take the lead. If he distanced himself because of you telling him how much you enjoyed seeing him then I’d leave him alone. I can understand him being spooked if you told him that you were falling for him but you only told him that you enjoyed his company, yes? It sounds like he is scared of developing a close relationship.

You may only have a virtual friend that can only be comfortable communicating via computer rather than real life. How old are you two?

Mark

February 2, 2018 at 12:57 pm #190363
Maria
Participant
Yes. A friend of mine pointed that as well. I was so afraid of opening up that all I could say was that I was “really enjoying hanging out with him, really, really”, but this friend pointed out how he must have gotten it. If it was the way I intended to or if it was just a hang out with non compromise.

Yeah, there may be a fear of commitment in there as he already got betrayed (twice), but if he still suffers, why does he publish memes of how much would he like to have someone by his side?

Anyway, he is 28 (turns 29 on October) and I am soon to turn 25 (in March).

We have been talking since then, but didn’t meet yet or even mentioned what happened that day. But there is always a like on social medias,media whenever I feel like wishing him a good day through whatsapp I do to which he replies almost at the same time… Or when he is at work, he justifies. But before, he would always send some cute gifs such as a boy kissing or cuddling his girl, now he doesn’t anymore…

I really feel sad because I really saw a little of me in him and a littlw of him in me. We are very similar and I just keep asking “why couldn’t it go right?”.

Also, I never really compromised to anyone, the things I had were just FWB, because I never really liked anyone at the point of committing because I know there’s much responsibility in sharing our lives with someone. But with this guy I could so much picture us living together. And I confess from some time up this moment I’ve been feeling like committing, attaching myself to someone finally once and for all. But other guys seem just “not him” and this guy … I confess I kinda feel something indeed. Not love yet. But there is a strong feeling and it devastates me this closing 🙁
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Maria.
February 2, 2018 at 1:08 pm #190367

Mark
Participant

Maria,

He puts out memes because talk (memes) are cheap. He may *think* he would want someone close but in reality and subconsciously he is still scared/damaged.

People like being virtual because it is removed from real, face-to-face life where it can be messy. Real life is not smiling memes and cute gifs. Reality is not where some people like to hang out in for the virtual world is safer, non-committal, and not as demanding emotionally and physically .

I understand there is that hope and expectation in finding someone who really seemed to get you and there are similarities that resonate. You don’t really know him. What he has revealed already is part of the “getting to know you” phase. Being so emotionally invested and committing at such an early stage of getting to know each other is premature don’t you think?

Time to move on before you get sucked into him more.

Mark

February 2, 2018 at 1:49 pm #190377
Maria
Participant
Not that I want to find any reasons on my case. But today I felt like sending him a good morning message, to which he replied “THank you so much, so do you” and asked me if I was excited about weekend. I said maybe for I would be back to bellydance classes. And he said how tired he is because of gym and wants holiday season to come so he can spend time at home just being useless. Some minutes then, I added “Oh, I just remembered I am going shopping tomorrow so yes I am excited” and he said he doesn’t remember the feeling of going shopping. I said “pal, I am graduating on image consulting so we can go shopping yay” and he said he usually does that once a year. I started saying how I love going shopping because I always feel Radiant. And he said “but you are radiant. That is obvious statement” and this made me feel a little… You know? And I said how timid I am and he said “I know, I’ve seen it” referring to the day I opened up and couldnt look at him. I answered with a gif of a girl with uncomfortable look and he didnt reply. I guess maybe it is just right stop talking to him and wait what life has yet to bring. I just hope to find someone to whom I can really attach myself to, I am sick of being “only me” 🙁
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Maria.
February 2, 2018 at 2:00 pm #190383

Mark
Participant

I quite understand about being sick of being by yourself Maria.

I can relate. In the meantime, I look to get out in groups so I won’t be totally by myself. Meetup groups are good for this. There are other activities as well. These are good opportunities to meet someone in real life.

Mark

February 3, 2018 at 7:53 am #190451

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

I didn’t understand this part of your share: “the ‘worst’ is that he keeps showing through his FB posts how we would love to be in a relationship”- are you saying that he expressed to you that he would love to be in a relationship with you or did he express that he would love to be in a relationship with a woman, not necessarily you?

He told you: “I like seeing you, hanging out with you, I like your company, but I don’t know if it is in the same way you do.” – that could have been a beginning of a conversation, then, that night or later. In what way does he like your company? In what way do you like his company? You could have shared that kind of information, like friends would.

And how would he know how you liked his company, if you didn’t share that with him.

I understand that his answer wasn’t right, for you, that you would have preferred another answer, but it is not a bad answer, reads like an honest answer, and a conversation starter, not the ending of communicating.

anita

February 3, 2018 at 9:04 am #190457

Maria
Participant

Not necessarily me, Anita. The last thing he published that made me angry at him was a meme in which there was a girl saying “I don’t like to be alone but I guess I’m getting good at it”.

I try not to take his likes on my social medias as big deal, but there is still a little hope of something happening again. Sometimes I regret having told him too soon.

February 3, 2018 at 9:10 am #190459

Maria
Participant

At that day I was so devastated by his answer that I stopped talking. Would say small things. Idk if you read my reply to Mark, but yesterday we had a small talk and, after something I said, he told me “of course you are radiant, this is obvious” something like that, to which I replied “you know I am timid” he said “yes, I’m aware of that. I’ve seen it” surely referring to that day. I sent him a gif of a girl with in uncomfortable look. He didn’t say anything else, but later at night, he laughed at something I published on my fb page…

We haven’t met since then and honestly, I’m afraid of trying to ask him out and getting something like “better not”.

I just wish things got back to the way they were. We talking everyday about anything. Like we used to when we started talking.

February 3, 2018 at 9:17 am #190461

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

Do you think his meme was aimed at you, a way to tell you something without directly doing so?

I don’t think you told him too soon. You told him what you felt when you felt it. It was not a commitment that you shared with him, as in… you are the one for me! You simply told him you were really enjoying his company. That is only a feeling. Then he told you something about his feeling.

Feelings do change: you enjoyed his company very much, then you felt hurt. Then you felt angry. A friendship, a relationship is a developing process, and feelings as they change and develop, or not, is only a part of it.

No one can make anyone else feel a certain way. Just like there probably were men in your life who wanted you to feel what you didn’t feel. Same here.

We don’t choose our feelings. They just happen. Can’t see to it that another feels a certain way any more than we can see to it that we feel a certain way.

Reads to me like you perceive that something horrible happened when you shared what you did with him and him responded with what he felt. I don’t see it as something horrible. It is not necessary to perceive it that way.

anita

February 3, 2018 at 9:31 am #190469

Maria
Participant

Yeah, I know. Yes. I’m a master when it comes to have people interested in me and not being interested in them. That’s what sucks you know? I just wish to be corresponded when it comes to relationship. And it makes me sad because it seems it is something easier for everyone. Today I went downtown and felt so bad for seeing couples and couples and me all by myself. I wish so much someone with me.

And yes, I know it is a process. But with this guy for instance, it seems to have stopped. And I feel a littlw hopeless. I see love, couple life as something so beautiful, even with the bad moments, and I want it for me.

I also have few friends. Some already date, some just want to hook up, there is one that started talking to her ex and I’m already afraid they get back together because I’ll be by myself again.

And I haven’t hung out very much, for, again, those who date don’t wanna meet me, those who don’t date just want to go to parties where we can’t get to meet anyone who want serious stuff.

February 3, 2018 at 9:45 am #190473

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

You are about to be 25, you shared. Do I understand correctly, that so far the relationships you had with boys/men were the Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationships, nothing more than that, so far?

anita

February 3, 2018 at 10:09 am #190475

Maria
Participant

Yes. No commitment up to now, only hook ups and non compromise stuff, which I’m sick of. I really want a partner, a boyfriend, a guy with whom to share my life with

February 3, 2018 at 10:14 am #190479

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

Well, you have no experience then, in committed type, monogamous relationship with a man. I understand the struggle you have, being new at this. As a matter of fact people with lots of experience struggle as well.

Aiming at this kind of relationship takes a different strategy than FWB. FWB is faster, no process much in it, on (hooking up) and off, nothing in between.

There is anxiety in the in-between, the not knowing. It is scary, isn’t it?

anita

February 3, 2018 at 10:19 am #190481

Maria
Participant

I know I have no experience, but I know j want this experience.

I know it is a different strategy, what I want to know is how to act, what to do to finally get what I want so much.

My life has never moved so weel as its been moving now. I’m in a great job, graduating on marketing university (distance graduation), taking belly dance classes, I only miss someone to share all this amazingness with.

I see so many happy people in a life-in-two and I want rhia happiness of having and being with someone as well.

Many of my friends that are committed say I’m lucky, I, on the hand hand, wish I were in their foot.
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