Home→Forums→Relationships→Stop Living in The Past
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March 20, 2016 at 3:14 pm #99594
darrebParticipantIm the most guilty of this Making the same mistakes esp with reltionships and wishing i had done this and that diffrent hence im on tablets now im 42 the last one i tried to fit in was mabye a bit needy clingy but she did even admit i was not her type but though she would try which is a valid point but not fair either i for one am too soft and have a heart of gold now do some women like they guys making dinners getting flowers doing massages thats my type /but to the point doing the wrong thing blameing yourself Anaylazing everything does anyone else have this problem i love to know i def no it aint healthy …But trying to stop the way your made is hard ,,,
March 20, 2016 at 7:34 pm #99622
AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
I agree: trying to change oneself is hard. That’s why its best to try to change only the things that really are not working in your life, behaviors on your part that bring you bad results, or no good results. You wrote that you acted needy and clingy in the last relationship, did I get it right? Will you specify those needy and clingy ways?
You also wrote that you are “on tablets”- what do you mean?
anita
March 21, 2016 at 2:33 am #99666darrebParticipantWell im on anti depressants needy as in if i didnot get a text back or call i would not be happy i did tell this person that but same time she was not nice lying in bed putting a pillow over her face turning away from me she knew i was vunreable but did that and at 47 you think you would act better but ive learned a hard lesson and one that admits it and guilt has to stop making these mistakes ite been a hard year and i think i have to just stop looking at let it find you dateing sites can be full of damaged goods and if you go full in with your heart on your sleeve thats what happens i suppose ….
March 21, 2016 at 2:39 am #99668AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
You are a 47 man. You are discouraged about dating and relationships. And dating sites.
Have you ever been married/ in a serious, long term relationship? Tell more about your life..?
anita
March 21, 2016 at 2:56 am #99670darrebParticipantNo im 42 the woman was 47 i was in a 12 year relationship brought someones 4 kids up then had our own we spilt up but still get on i had a 2 week thing that finnshed ok then met antoher that was 5 months near and i think that one hit me the hardest but im still young i suppose and im too soft inside i have to be harder and stop punshing myself you cant undo stuff and have to stop living in the past and i do it all the time and its hard to focus and move on but it def aint healthy some days are good some are bad I just think im not hard enough in that sense and just to vunerable but i have a 10 year old boy whom im going abroad with i did spent that on the other woman but changed his to his name this is a big lesson and its one i have to never make again … i normally do weights at the gym which im going back to tommoro going to do a day at a time i cant controll socail media facebook so i tend to stay off it now
March 21, 2016 at 3:11 am #99671AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
You are 42. You were in a 12 year relationship with a woman who is now 47. She came into the relationship with you with children and you both became the bio parents of the 10 year old boy you have now. Is it correct so far?
After the breakup from the mother of your boy, you had a 2 week (very short) relationship. After that you had a 5 months relationship with another woman. This 5 month relationship hit you hard.
I didn’t understand: you are going abroad with your 10 year old and spent … what on the other woman (the 5 month relationship woman?) and changed whose name?
If you could end one sentence with a period before you start another sentence, that could help me understand better.
anita
March 21, 2016 at 3:39 am #99672darrebParticipantNo i was in a 12 year Reltionship Brought her 4 kids up then we had our own split up last march but we still get on i was fine …
I met someone just for 2 weeks we finnshed it ok …
After that i met somebody and she endend it via facebook making me wait a few days i prefer face to face but she changed from one night ok to the next putting a pillow over her face so she didnot have to look at me made me feel crap if i was a bigger man i would have got up then and there and told her where to go back and fowards i was suppose to get weights of her last week but she changed her mind making excusses but its done..
Hence this woman that i met for 2 weeks came back to me and she came over last week was too soon i dont really drink and treated her like crap i totally appogised for it i think it was too soon i am a nice guy too soft to emiontonal and have to control it i have to move fwd and stop living in the past and thinking what if this and that i aint made that way thats my problem …Hope you understand a bit better now…
March 21, 2016 at 6:45 am #99684AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
I did understand then correctly, that you had a 12 year relationship with a woman who had children from a previous relationship and you and her had a child together, that is her fifth and your first, I am thinking…?
You wrote that you are too soft, too emotional and have to control it: this may be very important. Can you describe in what ways are you too soft, too emotional?
anita
March 21, 2016 at 9:55 am #99697darrebParticipantI take things to heart to much i try to give out to much love somtimes needy i though i had met the perfect woman but was not to be i took 2 weeks off because of this got back together but she decided to finnsh it via facebook
Did say i was not her type but decided she wanted to try and i did say if you had told me that in the first place we would never have been at this stage for me but thats done i keep re doing the past and i want to stop it punnshing myself for stuff
March 21, 2016 at 10:19 am #99702AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
You didn’t respond to my question about what you mean by being “too emotional”-
If you write that you are too emotional then you have an idea about what it would mean to be appropriately emotional, not too emotional and what it means to be too emotional, or overly emotional.
What is the difference?
anita
March 21, 2016 at 10:45 am #99706darrebParticipantWell for instance trying to please everyone else before myself in reltionship stauts my emotions go all over the place esp if i fall for that woman if i feel something aint right i shall say its it me what i have a done stuff like that …Soft and Emotinonal all over the place i feel hurt angry even though it aint my fault sometimes when i do or say something wrong im very quick to appoligse ..
Hence back to the woman she new i was on anti D And knew how vunerable i was after first time and that there was my downfall to soft
i dont know what other way to put it all i know is i need to love myself first and foremost but its hard
March 21, 2016 at 10:54 am #99712AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
I see, being too emotional and too soft means taking responsibility in a relationship for what you are not responsible for; quick to take the blame and apologize just so to keep the relationship going; quick to put the lid on any conflict, resolve any conflict by taking the blame and apologizing even though you may not or are not guilty. So this is something you want to change and indeed it is worthy of a change.
Next time you experience a conflict in a relationship, with anyone, and you feel that you are about to apologize, resist the urge. So first you notice that you are about to apologize. Then you stop yourself, pushing on the breaks, and you don’t apologize. Then you evaluate the situation: alone or in conversation or both, first alone, and then you talk about it with the other person. You figure out who is responsible for what.
It is important that each person in a relationship takes responsibility for his or her own feelings and actions. Most often, both parties are responsible for an ongoing conflict and none should rush to own the other person’s part in it, nor should either party rush to blame the other.
It requires practice of a new behavior so to “stop living in the past”- the title of your thread.
anita
March 21, 2016 at 12:04 pm #99715darrebParticipantI will take that def on board and move onwards and fwrds and see how i can work on it life is too short but if you fall for someone and they felt t he same way then decide they dont your left wondering was i conned i guess i never know that at all ..
March 21, 2016 at 12:12 pm #99717AnonymousGuestDear dazz22:
Taking your latest post literally, don’t “fall for someone”- keep standing so that you can see and pay attention to what is going on!
anita
March 21, 2016 at 1:14 pm #99727darrebParticipantYeap def will lesson learned and leart hard and well ..
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