October 7, 2018 at 8:50 pm #229625
I currently don't have anyone close to me and all my life never once I was appreciated or encouraged. Whenever I try to change my situation and better my life, all I get is extreme criticism and denial from others. Nowadays it has become tiresome to fight of all their opinions about me as a whole(my appearance, my personality, my strengths etc). People have been constantly judgemental and I don't understand why on earth no one supports me. I recently opened up to my brother saying that I love singing and I could make it as my career if I recieved proper training. he only words I got to hear from him was that I was not taking singing seriously and I don't sing well. All the people around me know that I sing well and I have won a few competitions also. But such negative voices keep ringign in my head so much that I started doubting myself and my goals. I lack in self esteem and have been trying so hard to regain it, but such instances keep making it worse. All I want is someone who can see the true me and encourage me. I want to have normal and healthy relationship atleast with one person so that I can be loved and return back that love to the person. Please help me figure out how to move forward in life.October 8, 2018 at 11:45 am #229791
I would suggest that you no longer seek the input, or make yourself available to the input of al the people who criticized and discouraged you so far. I agree, you only need “one person so that I can be loved”. One person. Has there ever been that one person in your life, a teacher, a neighbor, anyone?
October 8, 2018 at 12:11 pm #229805
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
Thank you so much for your reply. It gives me a clarity that it is right to stay away from such people without doubting whether I am doing right or wrong. And as for your question I don't have anyone who truly loves me just the way I am. All my life I have always been searching for someone like that but haven't found anyone. My family members are narcissistic and since my childhood, I had gone through a lot of emotional pain which resulted in lack of self esteem. Sometimes I feel so tired and wish I was not born at all.October 8, 2018 at 12:57 pm #229815
You are welcome.
I too didn't have anyone love me “just the way I am”, didn't have anyone to see me or try to see me the way I am. I had an uncle though, didn't have a relationship with him, any type of closeness, but I remember one time he asked me questions about what I thought about this or that. He asked as if what I thought mattered. He asked me questions and waited for me to answer, as if I mattered.
What a special, strange feeling it was, so much so that decades later I remember it. I don't remember what he asked, just that he asked and the way he asked and waited for me to answer. Did you have anyone ask you questions, as if you mattered?
I need to get away from the computer and will be back in about sixteen hours. I hope tor read from you when I am back, the answer to my question and/ or any information you may add by then, and will reply further then.
October 8, 2018 at 1:13 pm #229829
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
Yes Anita, there was this one uncle to whom I spoke to. He did ask me about what I wanted to do with my career and I was able to express my thoughts freely to him. Like he was supporting me and even told me to go after my dreams. I did feel better after speaking to him, but again the negative voices of others especially my brother started ringing in my head. I always had this feeling that he is above me and whatever he speaks is right. This is because he acts as if he is always right. I always get stuck upon negative comments because those people make me feel that they are right and use twisted logic to prove that my dreams are just fantasies. How do I ignore their negative talk and believe in myself?
October 9, 2018 at 4:52 am #229919
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Clover.
Clover, you're already on the right track. You're aware that their discouraging voices aren't yours—this may seem unimportant, but knowing the difference is the first step to claiming your personal power.
I'm sorry that when you opened up to your brother, he wasn't supportive. I agree with Anita that staying away from people who tear you and your dreams down is a must. Or at least reducing your exposure to them.
Sometimes, when you attempt to improve your life, the people around you who feel inadequate do everything they can to keep you from succeeding. They might not be aware of what they're doing, but criticizing others allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their own lives. In any case, it's incredibly difficult to thrive in a toxic environment. If you do have to see these people, try saying, “How would you like it if I picked you apart? I know you're worried that I'll fail, but your criticisms don't help me.”
I encourage you to go after your dreams, Clover. To deal with their negative talk and believe in yourself, write down the negative thoughts that ring in your mind and find proof that negates them. So for example, with the negative thought, You can't sing well enough to make it your career, you can write down, I sing well. I've won several competitions. Then, take small actions that get you moving toward your goals. For example, have you looked up where you can get training?October 9, 2018 at 5:23 am #229929
It is rare to be seen and loved “just the way I am”. Most people, including parents, don't see other people just the way they are. We see superficial things, how a person looks like, how they sound like, their habits, preferences. To see a person just the way the person is, that takes honest and ongoing communication, listening, asking questions, observing, over time. In the very context of such a relationship, you get to know yourself just the way you are, and you become more and more of who you are.
I suggest that at this point, you minimize or avoid altogether interactions and people who are critical and discouraging of you, those who don't see you the way you are and who don't care to see. Look for interactions and people who are encouraging. It doesn't have to be, and can't be anytime soon, someone who will love all of you the way you are. Make the best with the bits and pieces of the love that are available to you.
One day you will have a healthy relationship where you will be known, a relationship where you will thrive and become more of who you already are. Until then, do the best with what you have available to you and make better and better choices.
The voices, those “negative voice ringing” in your head”, lower the volume of those voices best you can. Hush them. We all have them. Counter those critical voices/ thoughts with sensible, realistic thoughts. For example, when you hear your brother's voice in your head saying: you don't sing well, say to yourself: he thinks I don't sing well, but other people think I do sing well, this is how I won a few singing competitions. If there are enough people who will like my singing, I can be successful.
After all, there are very successful singers out there, international successes and still, not everyone likes their singing!
October 9, 2018 at 6:25 am #229943
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by anita.
Thank you so much Annie. Yes I have been looking up different universities where I can take courses. And thank you for clarifying that I am on the right track. I will start writing down my negative thoughts and deal with them.October 9, 2018 at 6:29 am #229945
Thank you Anita. “One day you will have a healthy relationship where you will be known, a relationship where you will thrive and become more of who you already are. Until then, do the best with what you have available to you and make better and better choices.” . I guess this was the sentance which I desparately wanted to hear. You have given me immense support and clarity in my life. I will try to keep remembering your words whenever I feel low. I will follow your advices and try to improve myself.October 9, 2018 at 8:38 am #229983
You are welcome. Anytime you want to post here, please do and I will reply to you.