Home→Forums→Relationships→Stress and Anger with my husband
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Anonymous.
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January 19, 2016 at 1:18 pm #93034
AnonymousGuestDear Roxanna:
Regarding connecting the two, connecting you expressing your feelings in art and expressing your feeling in your relationship with your husband:
When you express your feelings on canvas, the canvas does not ask questions, does it. You choose the colors, the forms or lack of form, and the paints and canvas ask no questions, they do not object, do not reject, do not ask for explanations, clarifications: there is it, YOUR art, beautiful, complex as it is.
When you express your feelings to your husband, he may ask questions, object, reject, not exhilarating, like art, not rejuvenating and often draining, is it so?
I am going with my own feeling here about what is going on, my own “work of art,” my art is analysis and synthesis of concepts, and lots of assuming what is going on, this is my work of art, but I am not going to leave it here on the screen to admire. I am going to send it to you and ask you: do you agree with some of this? Any of it speaks to you?
Hope to “speak” to you soon, there is much more, if you are willing and my hope is that our communication on this thread will help you to gain clarity regarding your communication with your husband, over time, if you are willing.
anita
January 19, 2016 at 2:19 pm #93045AnonymousInactiveWell it can be draining because sometimes I don’t want to answer anything and I just to stay hidden and other times I want to reveal all and then it seems like he is overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed because I reveal too much, I feel opened and raw. It’s weird at times, I don’t know what to keep to myself or what to reveal.
I am very much an introvert and I want to be open but I don’t always like to reveal about myself so I guess it seems it is about choosing the right times to reveal something. I just have too many swirling thoughts for him to understand and I enjoy my time alone in order to deal with the stuff in my head. I feel closed off when I don’t have time for me, it frustrates me that he takes this time away from me.
Here is my facebook page for my artwork if you would like to check it out.
January 19, 2016 at 3:02 pm #93048AnonymousGuestDear Roxanna:
I don’t have Facebook. I did click on the link and got one page with some paintings and the sketch of the chair. It says there that you studied art in Cal State Fullerton. I lived in So. CA most of my life. And someone wrote you a note there about tracing your face, meaning the person thought you look like the woman in the painting. You answered that you took enough classes to know the structure of a face. Your paintings, the few I saw, look impressive to me, not being an artist myself.
When you express your emotions in art, you are in control of your time and space. But in the relationship with your husband, you are often enough not in control, feel that he invades your space and you want to stay hidden. But when you reveal yourself he seems overwhelmed. And this is an interesting statement, most interesting to me: “I don’t know what to keep to myself or what to reveal.”
Can you think of some of the things you started to reveal to him but then stopped thinking it was too much and maybe you shouldn’t have revealed it… and should not reveal any more?
Those eyes in the painting, self portrait, what secrets do they hold?
In other words, some things, if you reveal them, it will make it less of a burden to keep them in. What may those things be?
anita
January 20, 2016 at 7:37 am #93106AnonymousGuestDear Roxanna:
I tried to go on your Facebook page again and my computer collapsed…yet again. I saw the small painting I didn’t pay attention to before, is it a doll… headless? I am not sure, the photo of the painting was so small and my computer collapsed.
I would like to share with you, and I hope you are reading this, what I understand so far.
At first I thought: Roxanna is an independent woman whose husband it too clingy, “codependent” – needs to be okay being alone sometimes. While this may be true to one extent or another, there is something else I got to see later in the process of reading your posts: there is Roxanna pushing the man away, keeping him at a distance, too far off for a relationship to work. Unreasonably so.
As I see it, inside, you are very hurt and scared of that hurt feelings, from long, long ago. You needed to be loved as a child as in your previous relationship that you mentioned, very much but you did not get love so you … adjusted by staying aloof, by yourself, doing your thing, being “independent”, not needing what you didn’t have.
Those hurt feelings inside, that severe hurt inside you, it wants to be acknowledged and it needs to be processed so that you heal from it. Sometimes you reveal to your husband things but you feel that he gets overwhelmed, that you revealed too much.
I believe that you need to reveal those things, so condensed in you, so intense, that you need to reveal those things to a good, and I mean good psychotherapist… who will not seem overwhelmed, who is skilled in providing for you the right circumstances that will encourage you to reveal. With such a therapist, you will reveal and over time feel safe that you revealed and you will get in touch with parts of yourself that are now hidden and become whole.
Your husband is not a psychotherapist and even if he was, he couldn’t be your psychotherapist. He is struggling with his own stuff. You two can help each other once each takes responsibility for your own issues, him for his, you for yours, and then together you walk on the path of healing. That could be magical and form the greatest bond you ever had with another human being.
If you do read this, please do reply.
anita
January 20, 2016 at 9:05 am #93118AnonymousInactiveWell hello again, and the painting of the doll does have a head.
Well I was very independent, I was used to it, it made me feel a little frustrated having this over dependency on each other. I understand he has his needs as well as I have mine. Yes partially comes having bad feelings about myself from when I was younger, I do work on myself in order to continue to heal. I make it part of my life to continue to work on myself. I just felt smothered and didn’t have breathing room to work my feelings out at times.
I am not afraid to show love, I am at times overwhelmed by the love he shows me. I did use to see a therapist when I was in school and it helped me tremendously. Well we have talked a lot about these issues we have been having and I think we are closer to understanding each other, he seems more open, he tries hard to understand me but I do agree that we each need to work on our issues in order to work well together.
All seems well. He is becoming more open to having my time for just me and having our time for us. We are just used to different ways of handling situations and we trying to come together on our problems. : )
January 20, 2016 at 9:58 am #93122AnonymousGuestDear Roxanna:
A comment: You wrote that you and him need to work on your individual issues… and then come together? Well, to clarify my earlier post: work together on your individual issues through ongoing communication with each other, as partners, with the added professional psychotherapy, or not, but better communication. If the communication is right… it can do wonders.
anita
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