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anita.
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September 19, 2025 at 2:33 am #449982
qParticipantHmm I personally don’t think I am not worthy of love. I know I deserve love and my current situation doesn’t make me any less lovable (although arguably less attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex?). I do do things that fall under the list of “Loving yourself” but the effect of it isn’t as strong as if someone were to do it to me. I think I find external validation stronger than internal validation. Not that I’m super reliant on external validation, I don’t use social media, I don’t post anything and only share things with family and close friends.
Anyway, you had me thinking. I do have a habit of not giving myself enough credit when it’s due and I’m trying to overcome that.
September 19, 2025 at 3:10 am #449984qParticipantI think what made me really crack a few months ago was really the people that surrounded me weren’t the most supportive. I was getting a lot of pressure from the people around me to get a job etc, even in this market and I’ve been trying really hard. I don’t get to hear a lot of positive motivating words like “Things are hard now and you’re trying your best it’s okay keep going.”. So because i rarely heard those things, I think in my head I felt like yea maybe I didn’t need to hear nice things and I deserve to be in my current state and I should struggle as much as possible to get out it. I understand that it’s not their responsibility to be nice and supportive to me but that’s probably what influenced me to feel that way?
I think in an ideal world, there would be a fine balance between supportive words of encouragement with 0 pressure from people around me and also on my part, I’m trying my best to create as many opportunities as possible and also be as kind to myself as possible.
September 19, 2025 at 8:51 am #449994
anitaParticipantGood morning (here) Q:
As to why the effect of loving oneself isn’t as strong as being loved by another person, that is, why external validation feels better or stronger than external validation-
I think it’s primarily so because we are social animals who are born to interact with others, to love and be loved by others. But seeking love externally does not preclude seeking love internally. Both can take place at the same time.
When you gave your ex a gift and she received it with appreciation- that’s external reciprocity. When you give yourself a gift and you receive it with appreciation- that’s internal reciprocity. In both cases, love is about giving and receiving.
I think of the part of me that I want to give love to, as the child within me (aka inner child). If I give her a gift and she doesn’t receive it- then mission failed, so to speak. No love took place. There has to be a receiver within.
External receiving is visible (ex’s genuine smile, a loving gaze) and audible (ex saying: “thank you”, “I love you”), but internal receiving is invisible and inaudible (unless you look at yourself in the mirror, or talk out loud to yourself).
I think that many are not in the habit of loving oneself, but it’s a good habit to practice because it makes people less desperate for the love of other people.
in your second post you wrote: “I don’t get to hear a lot of positive motivating words like ‘Things are hard now and you’re trying your best it’s okay keep going.’. So because I rarely heard those things, I think in my head I felt like yea maybe… I deserve to be in my current state”-
Imagine that instead of thinking “I deserve to be in my current state”, you’d be thinking (saying to the boy within Q): “Things are hard now, and I’m trying my best”, and then Q the boy receives this emotional gift, feeling calm and relief as a result..?
🌿 Anita
September 22, 2025 at 8:58 am #450062qParticipantHello, I hope you had a great weekend. I agree with what you said. I’m trying to work on that. I’m trying to talk to myself as if I’m speaking to a child and I have to use kind words and be gentle with him.
And to be honest, I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have. After doing some introspection post break up, I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go.
So these are my observations, please feel free to challenge them if you’d like to.
1. I was struggling to find a job
2. Didn’t have a distinct purpose / something to look forward to (like a job)
3. Very slowly, my whole world revolved around her
4. I was seeking happiness and comfort in her most of the time and obviously that isn’t ideal because it became quite draining
5. Over time, the relationship dynamics shifted quite a bit and it killed a lot attraction there which led to the break upWhat’s the ideal way to look at things right now? Obviously, I don’t want to beat myself up over it and I also acknowledge my faults and I should do better in the next relationship. Then it brings me to the next cycle
– Feel guilty
– Want to fix things
– Can’t let go of the past / thoughts are still lingering on the break upThen it repeats itself.
I also understand that processing everything and moving on from it is a function of time and maybe 2months is not enough but yea I’d appreciate any comments. Thank you!
September 22, 2025 at 11:34 am #450075anitaParticipantDear Q:
My weekend was pretty good, thank you!
“I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have… I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go. So these are my observations, please feel free to challenge them if you’d like to.
“1. I was struggling to find a job”- please correct me if I am wrong (here and in the following), but I am “hearing” Q the man admonishing Q the boy: You should have had a job! You shouldn’t have struggled!
“2. Didn’t have a distinct purpose / something to look forward to (like a job)”- again, I hear Q the man criticizing, accusing Q the boy: You should have had a distinct purpose! You messed up the relationship because you didn’t have a distinct purpose!
“3… 4…”- I hear the same: You shouldn’t have! You should have! Shame on you!
Before I continue, I need to ask: am I hearing you correctly?
(I am definitely hearing Anita the adult, the ways she used to criticize, accuse and shame Anita the girl).
🌿 Anita
September 22, 2025 at 8:15 pm #450095qParticipantHey Anita,
1. Yea I feel like I should have had a job. Is that wrong / unkind?
2. Yea I do feel this way. I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel like who I used to be, I felt so aimless and to be honest I can see how it wasn’t attractive which I completely agree. I don’t enjoy being in my current state of being a man with no purpose/job.
3-5. Yea it’s more of like “You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t have made that mistake.”I don’t think I’m shaming myself here just telling myself I shouldn’t have made those mistakes.
September 22, 2025 at 8:38 pm #450097anitaParticipantI understand, Q. Thank you for telling me how it is for you. I will write more tomorrow. (Late here)
September 23, 2025 at 7:58 am #450118anitaParticipantDear Q:
“1. Yea I feel like I should have had a job. Is that wrong / unkind?”- well, it’s not necessarily abusive (you didn’t call yourself names or such thing), but it’s cold: it’s neither kind nor empathetic. It reads to me as if you’re saying that it was easy to get a job but you chose not to because you were irresponsible. There’s no reference to the real, valid difficulties that you’ve been experiencing.
“2. Yea I do feel this way… I felt so aimless and to be honest I can see how it wasn’t attractive which I completely agree. I don’t enjoy being in my current state of being a man with no purpose/job.”-
Well, first, it’s possible to find an unemployed man attractive. Second, currently, you do have a purpose.
Would you like to tell me your purpose, put it in a sentence or in a paragraph.. ?
“I don’t think I’m shaming myself here just telling myself I shouldn’t have made those mistakes.”- It’s the human condition to make mistakes. You will make more mistakes in the future. (And so will I).
What if you figuratively take the hand of Q the boy in your hand (Q the adult’s) and tell the boy: We’ll make mistakes today, and every day, and it’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. Let’s do our best to make fewer mistakes and not repeat old mistakes.
Most importantly, Q the adult: when you interact with the boy, focus on what he does right, compliment him for every good choice made, every accomplishment, however small. He needs you to focus on his positives. The more you do that, the fewer mistakes there will be.
🌿 Anita
September 23, 2025 at 9:58 am #450124qParticipantHello Anita,
Thank you for your kind words. I share the same feelings as you a few months ago but the relationship made me feel like I wasn’t worthy enough, as if I wasn’t good enough to be loved. And I think it has been rooted in me that I am unable to get out of this rut until I officially get employed. I know this isn’t a healthy thought and is something I’ve been trying to overcome ever since the break up.
My purpose now is to get back up on my feet, whatever it takes. And afterwards, continue to work towards my goal of finding a meaningful job.
I agree with what you said on the mistakes part. I need to work on overcoming guilt from my mistakes.
I am trying my best to be kind to myself as much as possible. I’m trying to be partial when taking responsibility, not excessively allocating too much to myself. As giving compliments to myself, I’m trying my best to find something positive to say every day.
At the same time, I can’t help but feel like the negative feelings I have for myself is validated by the break up and the person who initiated the break up. I’m trying to get over that and convince myself that the right person wouldn’t have done that to me but I know I have some responsibility myself.
Q
September 23, 2025 at 10:26 am #450125anitaParticipantDear Q:
You are welcome. I am glad that you are trying your best to be kind to yourself: you deserve kindness!
“I can’t help but feel like the negative feelings”- the more we try to push away/ suppress negative feelings, the stronger they get and the longer they stay. Better to accept everything we feel, to give our emotions space, air to breathe.
Because every emotion has somewhere in it- a positive message- one that is aimed at helping us. Often we don’t hear that message. Instead we hear negative background messages
Can you figure what might be the positive, central message or messages behind your negative feelings? And perhaps distinguish between the central, positive message/s and the background negative messages?
(I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day).
🌿🤍 Anita
September 24, 2025 at 9:27 am #450154qParticipantHello Anita,
I’m not quite sure I can find a positive message behind guilt hahaha. The negative feelings come and go in waves of varying intensity. The negative feelings I feel are mainly – guilt, regret, remorse. All of which are punishing emotions that I feel about my past actions. Every time I feel them, I try to correct myself and tell myself that it’s okay and it’s all part of life.
Q
September 24, 2025 at 10:32 am #450158anitaParticipantDear Q:
“All of which are punishing emotions”- punishing indeed. Here’s the positive message behind the heavy, punishing guilt I used to carry (for decades!) in regard to my mother’s misery in life. The message was: “I want to be a good person”.
Problem was that I already was a good person in that I genuinely loved my mother and would have done everything in my power to help her- if she had let me, or made it possible for me to help her. Her message to me (“You are a bad person”) became my own.
And then.. I wanted to become a good person based on the false assumption that.. I was a bad person. Therefore, punishing emotions didn’t feel unfair.
Fast forward, while holding myself accountable for my words and behaviors today, and while understanding that perfection is not possible for anyone, I believe that I am a good person. Guilt, regret, remorse- the punishing emotions you mentioned- they are no longer there on a regular, ongoing basis.
I wonder if this helps you in regard to understanding the messages behind your emotions..?
🤍🌿 Anita
October 1, 2025 at 8:10 pm #450486anitaParticipantHow are you, Q..?
October 3, 2025 at 7:13 pm #450549qParticipantHello Anita,
Thanks for checking in on me. I hope you have been well Anita.
A lot has transpired over the past week. I managed to find a job. However, it does not fully resonate with what I’d like to do but i’m just trying to be grateful for having something now and will find something better in the future.
I don’t understand why I cannot let go of the past and move on to a new relationship. A part of me wants to try to reconcile things with my ex and i reached out last week to chat but it wasn’t an extremely positive response. From what I understand, she isn’t fully closing the door but isn’t very hopeful about it either. We can’t really meet in person for about a month until she’s back.
For the past few days, I’ve been feeling very torn between wanting to not cling onto the past and also wanting to date her and see where it goes. I personally feel like these 2 ideas can coexist because I can let go of the past while also desiring to see her romantically again.
I notice that every time I tell myself to fully let go, my brain throws me good memories of the past to remind me not to. And recently, I noticed my brain throwing a tantrum “why does it have to end this way? life isn’t fair.” and I don’t know what to do / say lol.
Q
October 3, 2025 at 8:56 pm #450551anitaParticipantDear Q:
“Recently, I noticed my brain throwing a tantrum ‘why does it have to end this way? life isn’t fair.’ and I don’t know what to do / say lol.”-
Oh.. indeed, life is not fair, way too often. That’s a given.
My question is- how, in my personal life, do I make it fair, best I can?
.. How can you, Q, in your personal life, can make it fair, best you can..?
“From what I understand, she isn’t fully closing the door but isn’t very hopeful about it either.”- what did she say that’s new to you? What in her perspective, her POV, deserves your attention and consideration?
🤍🌿 Anita
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