Dear C.

Hope I hope this message finds you well. I’m not on here often but when I do come on this site, I have to skim through posts to see which posts I can relate to, to better help the person. Personal experiences helps me relate to people a lot better than others. So, by somewhat dissecting your story and you not giving out much detail, I will do my best to give you some advice and share a story somewhat similar to mine. Sometimes it’s best to tell your entire story, it helps to relieve the stress and release the emotions. It will make you feel better.

Anyway, it’s nice to see that you are self-reflecting as that is important to your personal growth & healing. A better well-being is a step into the right direction. From what I can tell you seem angry at this person still which leads me to believe that closure is very vital for you. The good news is that you have some healthy options, which are getting a hold of a counselor and getting this person to meet you at the counselors office where you can both sit down together with the counselor and talk about what is bothering you, let the person know how you feel and you to expect the other person to share their feelings as well. The counselor will give you two the option for him or her (the counselor) to step out of the room if you two want to talk alone together. So the choice is your whether you want the counselor to be present in the room or not. Regardless, it is an emotionally safe option that you have and 90% of the time the person who you are having a hard time with, will meet you at counselors office to mend things/come to a healthy agreement.

If counseling is not an option you feel comfortable with, then I would suggest contacting your ex and asking him if you two can meet somewhere where you both feel safe so you can both talk. If this person is HUMAN and has any feelings whatsoever, I’m sure they will agree to meet with you. You also must remember to control your emotions, be calm, be positive and there may be a positive & un-expected outcome you didn’t believe was possible. We can be our own worst enemies and conjure up all the bad things that could go wrong, instead of inviting all the good things that may in fact go right. it’s all about positive thinking and sending it out to the universe. Like I said, I don’t know all the details to your past relationship but I feel that something positive will come of this. You just need to BELIEVE… and most importantly believe in yourself.

Maybe now is the perfect timing to sit down and have a discussion with your ex. Maybe you’ve both grown and have learned something from your past mistakes and the universe has the window of opportunity open for you two to mend things. I know, the hard part is actually taking that step to contact him. It’s scary and uncomfortable and your ego can play tricks on your brain saying ” I’m too good to let myself be vulnerable.” but it’s FEAR in all reality which is something we need to embrace and conquer that fear because we set ourselves up into believing negative things that haven’t even happened yet. I personally have had to face my personal fears, it was crippling, downright scary, something I hated but at the end of that fear I had to tell myself that FEAR wasn’t a healthy way of living! I needed to step outside of my comfort zone and conquer that FEAR and for me it was the FEAR OF REJECTION. I hadn’t seen my now ex-girlfriend at the time in 3 years. The last I had remembered is that we loved each other and had supported each other and the next thing I know, the love of my life disappeared and I was left wondering for years, WHAT HAPPENED? 3 whole years just about, I hadn’t seen or spoken to her.

I was devastated and tried contacting her through her brother but he had already lied more than once to me in the past, that I couldn’t believe anything he had to say to me and it didn’t help much that he was threatening to take my EX-GF to court. I had asked him in a future message to please not take her to court. He then replied later that he didn’t mean what he said. Which again, her brother was someone I lost complete trust in. Anyway, after 3 entire years of no contact I needed closure. It was the most emotionally painful experience I had endured, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to face the truth of what the situation was and that was to find her and finally face her. It was the only way I could end the pain I was going through of not knowing what had happened to US. In finding her I was willing to accept REJECTION that was possible. The only problem we had together was that she didn’t want her family knowing that she loved another woman, which was me. She didn’t want me close to her family, contacting her family and especially didn’t want to be seen with me in public. She wasn’t out of the closet and that was fine but after a certain amount of time, I just couldn’t do it anymore. When I did find her, it wasn’t what anyone would have expected from someone I shared so much love with and was willing to cross the world for. 1 year ago this April, I walked in my sundress to her job in Hawaii and went I arrived inside the building to her office, the gentlemen told me she left for awhile and that she would return later. I left and as I left the building and started walking to the cross walk, there she was walking towards me and I as I saw her face, I was in shock and immediately happy to see her.

I couldn’t believe it at first because I had given up hope that I would most likely never see her ever again! As she walked up to me in the cross-walk I called out her name and she stopped dead in her tracks. I asked her ” How are you? ” She said… ” Um… I’m a little freaked out that you’re at my job.” I was in SHOCK that after 3 years of not seeing her, that was the only thing she had to say to me. Not a ” Wow, how are you?” or ” I don’t want any contact from you ever again!” I told her I had been looking for her for over 2 years and she asked me why are you looking for me? As If I never existed to her to begin with. After 5 years of knowing her and loving her and what I thought was a positive & loving relationship we shared with each other. The rejection was imminent and so I had accepted it, got the somewhat closure that I needed and moved on. It was obvious she didn’t want me in her life any longer, yes I was upset for months but I finally healed in December of last year. Am I angry no, can I call her a liar yes but that doesn’t do anybody any good to point fingers, unless people were there to witness our relationship. Point is that, to her what WAS no longer existed to her anymore. She acted like she had never known me and then went on to tell her entire family later that I had stalked her and that I wasn’t a normal human being. Yet she never said any of those things to my face but I know she said those things to her family.

I lost all my trust & faith in her because she was one way with her family and yet she was another person and acted in another way while with me, when things were good. I never understood why she woke one day and I was an enemy to her but it’s the reality and it’s something that I had fully accepted months ago.

I’m not going to continue on about my story but It will help you better understand that we cannot explain why people act the way they act, or do the things they do, unless they are WILLING to sit down, communicate and be honest with you about their feelings. All you can do is hope and send out positivity to the universe and you will indefinitely receive it back. It’s all about your mindset, about love, allowing love into your heart, opening your heart to accept that love and most importantly, Loving yourself. Focus on love and focus on a positive outcome for you and your ex and there will be one. You have to believe, love and trust in yourself that beautiful things can happen in your life, if you accept them and allow them to happen. We attract what we want out of life.

Sincerely,

Mary

C,

It’s interesting from my perspective because from reading you post, it’s clear you already have the strength and self-awareness to be able to accept the situation and move on from the pain. But you’re not a robot. You can’t flick a switch (like some abusive/narcissistic people can). You’re a human being who has the beautiful capacity to think and feel deeply, so it’s going to be a day by day process is all. And it’s perfectly natural, even if it’s bloody painful.

I’m inclined to agree with Kyniska. I guess if I was in your position (and I have been in a similar one) and the person apologised, it might soothe my ego temporarily but I would still be very hurt. I would still be angry at him, at the past, be upset with myself for getting myself into that situation. Not that I would blame myself, but there would just be a swirling mass of thoughts and emotions in me, and I still wouldn’t know what to do with them. But only you can be the judge of what’s right for you.

From my experience, I coped by embracing all the mixed thoughts and emotions, revelling in them because they made me human. I coped by expressing them – writing letters to him which I would never send and writing reflective journal entries to express all that I felt in that moment. And also talking to trusted friends too. Then you go about your daily life until you feel compelled to do it all again.
It’s a process. Rinse and repeat.

I think you find acceptance for whatever happened by accepting first and foremost your thoughts, emotions and actions past and present. That you’re allowed to take however long you need to work through it all. To accept others and external circumstances with all their flaws and foibles – we have to be able to accept ourselves first. And just because we may possess a certain level of sensitivity and self-awareness, doesn’t mean others should or are even capable of being on that particular level. That’s just the way it is. While I didn’t think it would happen at the time, I was just trying to make it through day by day, that pain did dissipate. It’s not fully gone, and I don’t think it ever will be. But there’s also room now for peace and acceptance as well.

I hope you will find peace and acceptance, C. I have a funny feeling you will, that you will learn to let go and grow from this and when you look back on this one day, you will marvel at just how much you’ve grown. The beautiful irony will be that you would not have grown so much without the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. Trust in the process.

Dear C,

What I am about to propose my seem daunting. But in order to truly raise yourself above the situation you wrote about – or any situation, for that matter, you have to use a mode of going about it that is not in the same energy and mindset as before. If you sit there and think of all the ways you were abused and rerun episodes in your mind, you are keeping yourself within the same energy field as before and not able to move on. So what I am going to propose for you is to pray and forgive. True forgiveness is not about saying the other person is ok. Quite the contrary, they could be in the wrong forever. True forgiveness is saying you choose to not carry their toxicity within yourself any longer. Therefore, you release them. You do not give their actions or their words another minute within your existence. So any time a thought comes to your mind, you work hard on letting that thought go. It’s a training of the mind. This person had occupied a lot of your energy and it’s best they don’t anymore. And when it comes to prayer, pray for them each day for 30 days. Pray for them to find the peace within to not harm people in this world. Because really, how we act on the outside is just a reflection of how we feel on the inside. And this person must have really small and really bad deep within to have lashed out this way. At first, you will feel very emotional when you pray for their well being. You may cry. You may feel angry. But stick with it. Somewhere along the way of those 30 days of prayer, you will softer. Something within you will shift. And this “softness” is not to be confused with weakness. You are merely moving on from the tangled web of emotions around this person. Like I mentioned in the beginning of the reply, you are rising above this person and situation.

And like I said, it takes something completely different than the negativity you’ve been feeling to reverse this cycle – and to even reverse putting yourself in another similar situation in the future. The only way you can reverse the negativity is to fuel YOURSELF with positivity. At this point, (and always) it is about claiming your own power back.

I wish you much strength and peace 🙂

Michelle