Hi Anita

thanks for your reply. No I’m not sure if the continued communication is helpful but I feel more at peace that we have an amicable arrangement rather than a hostile no contact arrangement which has often been the case with past relationships. The thing is we both still have feelings for each other. I know he is actively looking to date but I’m not sure if he has anyone in his life at the moment. Judging by his behaviour with me he doesn’t seem to have a problem with keeping in touch with exes. I have set the boundary by asking him not to discuss romantic relationships with each other. I do wonder if I should go no contact but I don’t like the feelings of cutting him out. It feels so aggressive when neither of us have done anything wrong. I’m not sure a reunion is a good idea until I sort out my own issues and when I do I may realise he isn’t the guy for me.

Regarding the childhood incident – yes and no. It was a teenage boy who lived in the neighbourhood. At a guess he might have been 15 or 16. I was likely to be under 10… but I told no one. Not a soul. I buried it really deep as I just continued to live life normally. There was some sexual abuse but I can’t remember what. It was a one off incident. I don’t know how I managed to erase it from my mind just like that.

The other “trauma” relates to abandonment issues. Technically I wasn’t abandoned as my parents were only doing their best but I was sent away at the age of 2 to live with my grandma for a couple of years on the other side of the world. I didn’t even realise this was an issue until I started therapy but the therapists pointed out to me that this would have benn very traumatic for me and unsettling to be bounced about between carers as I was too young to process what was going on.

We did cut contact at the beginning, initiated by me as I thought that was what I needed to move on but I did it in an aggressive heat of the moment manner which only confirmed to him that he was right to end things with me. I told him never to contact me again but once things had cooled down I realised I didn’t mean it and I was hurting so I said and did things out of hurt and anger. Although we both contributed to the ending of the relationship it wasn’t what I wanted. I would have liked to discuss what was bothering us and see if we could find a solution to work things out.

What is a friendly way of cutting off contact? I told him I would be there for him still despite that I am putting myself out. I know he struggles with anxiety and I want to be there for him. I know none of this is his fault and perhaps he is only acting out from his child’s perspective in terms of losing his mum so young.

And yes you are right there is a reason I didn’t tell my parents or anyone as I was threatened with more violence. He said if he found out I told anyone he would kill me. I do remember feeling really dirty afterwards and I went home and ran myself a bath and sat in the bath crying. And that’s about as much as I remember – I don’t know what happened after that. The only other thing that springs to mind in connection with him is that I had to deal him when I was old enough to help out in my parent’s shop. He would come in with his 2 young daughters and I was expected to serve him. Why would he do that? I was mortified and sick to my stomach that I had to be nice to someone who molested me and threatened to kill me. I was old enough to say something then but I just couldn’t. Later in life I realised I held some resentment towards my parents. That they never protected me from being hurt. I didn’t know at the time it wasn’t their fault. But I suppose I felt let down by them again.

Hi Tom

Thanks for your kind and wise words. I’m sorry that you are also going through this and that you were treated the way you were. It’s really sad it gets like this. We don’t get taught at school these soft skills which are so important in life.

I really liked what you wrote in that we need to be “more fully aware of our self worth and understand that at any time if someone wants to treat you less than that you will call them out and set a boundary that you are not willing to be a part of a relationship where it is not equal”.

What I’m realising is that much of the pain I’m feeling isn’t really about him per se but being awakened to the truth about myself and how I had let myself become this person.  When I look back I must have been really desperate to have wanted a relationship that I didn’t consider my own needs along the way. I wanted it to work out so I would put aside my needs but this would then cause me to act out and behave inappropriately – i.e. getting upset, feeling hurt, etc but I couldn’t communicate what it was I was really feeling. So of course this led to us breaking up and it’s all my fault! In a way it was my fault: for not clearly stating what I wanted and walking away sooner. It’s a bit of a wake up call and it’s much harder having to acknowledge and accept the error of your own ways. I could easily blame him but that wouldn’t do me any good as the only person I can change and control is myself.

Today I do feel a bit better. The last few days I have allowed myself to properly mourn the loss and finally accept that we are not going to get back together. My emotions would confuse me to the point that I would be thinking about having a reconciliation with him so that I would feel better but he was not a good person for my soul. We were deeply connected on an intimate level but we had many values that were not aligned.

This next part of the journey is about improving myself. I do believe people come into our lives to become teachers of ourselves, if we are enlightened enough to see that. It’s just painful doing this work on yourself and facing the reality that I was rejected because I wasn’t strong enough to feel worthy of something better. I have to remind myself that he is not the only man in the world and when the right person comes I’ll be able to command the respect in a way that is effective and to stand my ground when something isn’t working for me. I thought I was acting compassionately by being understanding and accepting but this was to the detriment of my own self worth.

I let myself cry when I need to. The more I cry the more I feel I’m releasing something. I am also writing a lot and I give myself credit that I can take this situation and turn it into something more positive for myself.