Forum Replies Created
October 7, 2018 at 1:03 pm #229593
Thank you. I would encourage you to think about what 11 October means to you in this moment in time. I don’t mean to sound mean but there can’t be an “anniversary” if you guys are not together.
I was the same I didn’t want to completely cut ties although I knew fundamentally this was the best action to take. I had tried to do it in the past but he had convinced me that it was very cold to just cut ties.
We broke up 4 months ago and during this time we have been in contact on/off. Initially we went no contact for 2 weeks as I asked him to never contact me again but I reached out to him as I couldn’t accept that it was over. I desperately wanted him in my life still and I was far from rational about whether that was the right thing. I idealised him and I thought that if we kept in touch we would figure it out somehow. I was only kidding myself. It was only because the last time we broke up we had kept in touch we ended up getting back together. However, I realised today that the reason I wanted us to get back together was purely to remove the horrible feelings that I was having about the break up not because I really wanted him. How can you really want someone who doesn’t want you? That’s a bit messed up.
The light contact recently was probably checking in once a week. Mostly initiated by him but that just gave my perversed mind the belief that he wanted to get back with me. In reality he was probably needing his ego stroked in between his dating other people. Nope – if he didn’t want me in the first place then he can’t have any of me. I feel I’m being harsh but I have to tend to my needs now. Once I start to give myself the self love that I deserve by not falling for dishonest behaviours then maybe I can start to bring in a man who deserves me and can love me unconditionally and stand by me when things are tough.
I came across a heart break app called “Mend”. It might help? Can’t comment on how good it is as I only downloaded it today. To get over someone we must stop the dwelling on the past and focus on the things that light us up, not on the things that makes us feel bad. By all means mourn the loss of the relationship because that is important. I’m not saying I’m healed as I think it will still take time but the acceptance that it’s truly over is one step closer.
If he was to pop up again it would mean he would have had to try really hard and the universe is conspiring to bring us together again. He can email me but that’s down to me if I reply and at this present moment I have no desire to respond to him. My main focus is to give myself the self love and build back my self worth. By responding to him I would be failing myself. I hope you can trust yourself to do what is right for you.October 7, 2018 at 11:45 am #229569
I hear and feel your pain. It’s hard to heal and move on whilst having contact. I realised that today. Keeping light contact with my ex caused me to have a tsunami of emotions because deep down it was giving me a glimmer of false hope for a reconciliation but also knowing that he is out there dating and meeting other women. In the end I asked myself why was I doing this? Partly it was to make him feel good about himself (wtf?) and partly this hope of getting back together (which spurs the making him feel good about himself). I then had to really look at the situation and I finally accepted that no way was I going to get back with someone who rejected me and treated me unfairly. Love makes you blind and your sense of self worth goes out of the window. These past few days have been a bit of a revelation in terms of my progress where I hit one of my lowest points a few days ago. I’ve been riding a wave of emotions since the break-up and today I decided block him from all social media as well as deleting his number from my phone. I have been known to do this before and back tracked but because I know this about myself I have written a list of all the reasons why I no longer want to have him in my life so that if I am ever tempted to contact him I have something to refer to. I will probably come on here and gather the help of anyone who will listen! If the man who is supposedly the love of your life rejected you then he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life in any shape or form. Did I feel guilty about doing this without telling him – yes slightly and I really didn’t want to be hostile but at the same time I didn’t want to open up a conversation about it and I needed to do what was best for me. Quite frankly I reminded myself that he rejected me and I am under no obligation to be nice about anything. I don’t think he went to any lengths to consider my feelings when we had the argument about his ex. Also because I have now accepted that a reconciliation is out of the question I actually don’t care what he thinks anymore.
I think it’s helpful what Tom says – to make a list of all the things that was wrong about the relationship and keep them as reminders to help you move on. Time does heal but it’s what you do with that time.October 7, 2018 at 1:16 am #229479
Thank you for your reply. What you wrote made me realise that he was definitely not an angel and that I was putting him on some kind of pedestal when clearly he should have been put in a pit. He was not true to himself, how could he ever be true to me or anyone else for that matter? I was feeling distraught about him being with someone else but really I feel relieved that I no longer have to put up with the stuff that wasn’t working for me. Yesterday I wrote a list of what they were and it turned out to be quite a long list indeed!
I think I spent too much time focusing on what a good person he was and how good he made me feel when the other side probably tipped the scales more. I didn’t want to admit that I had failed another relationship and in a way I wanted to prove to myself I could make it work. I wanted to be optimistic and ignore the reality of it.
The good that’s come out of it is that it has forced me to look at my behaviours and in doing so I will hopefully attract and be with a man who is loving, accepting, kind and understanding and who will also adjust and adapt to the flow of a relationship rather than run away to the next person at the first sign of trouble.October 7, 2018 at 1:04 am #229475
Thanks for your kind and wise words. I’m sorry that you are also going through this and that you were treated the way you were. It’s really sad it gets like this. We don’t get taught at school these soft skills which are so important in life.
I really liked what you wrote in that we need to be “more fully aware of our self worth and understand that at any time if someone wants to treat you less than that you will call them out and set a boundary that you are not willing to be a part of a relationship where it is not equal”.
What I’m realising is that much of the pain I’m feeling isn’t really about him per se but being awakened to the truth about myself and how I had let myself become this person. When I look back I must have been really desperate to have wanted a relationship that I didn’t consider my own needs along the way. I wanted it to work out so I would put aside my needs but this would then cause me to act out and behave inappropriately – i.e. getting upset, feeling hurt, etc but I couldn’t communicate what it was I was really feeling. So of course this led to us breaking up and it’s all my fault! In a way it was my fault: for not clearly stating what I wanted and walking away sooner. It’s a bit of a wake up call and it’s much harder having to acknowledge and accept the error of your own ways. I could easily blame him but that wouldn’t do me any good as the only person I can change and control is myself.
Today I do feel a bit better. The last few days I have allowed myself to properly mourn the loss and finally accept that we are not going to get back together. My emotions would confuse me to the point that I would be thinking about having a reconciliation with him so that I would feel better but he was not a good person for my soul. We were deeply connected on an intimate level but we had many values that were not aligned.
This next part of the journey is about improving myself. I do believe people come into our lives to become teachers of ourselves, if we are enlightened enough to see that. It’s just painful doing this work on yourself and facing the reality that I was rejected because I wasn’t strong enough to feel worthy of something better. I have to remind myself that he is not the only man in the world and when the right person comes I’ll be able to command the respect in a way that is effective and to stand my ground when something isn’t working for me. I thought I was acting compassionately by being understanding and accepting but this was to the detriment of my own self worth.
I let myself cry when I need to. The more I cry the more I feel I’m releasing something. I am also writing a lot and I give myself credit that I can take this situation and turn it into something more positive for myself.October 5, 2018 at 10:08 pm #229355
Hi, I think I’ve gone a bit off track with this thread. The reason I started it was because I was trying to seek comfort about how I was feeling about my break up so I prefer to stay with that for now.
I’ve been feeling terrible the last couple of days. I think he’s started seeing someone else and that’s what is causing me to feel so sad. I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling, call it sixth sense, and I feel terrible about it. However I know there is nothing I can do or say but I can’t hekp feeling this way and I really don’t want to.
I suppose staying in touch with him was my way of giving myself some hope that we might have a reconciliation. I wonder if it might be a control thing as sometimes I did wonder if we were compatible at all. I’m really confused why I feel this way about him.October 5, 2018 at 12:53 pm #229291
We did cut contact at the beginning, initiated by me as I thought that was what I needed to move on but I did it in an aggressive heat of the moment manner which only confirmed to him that he was right to end things with me. I told him never to contact me again but once things had cooled down I realised I didn’t mean it and I was hurting so I said and did things out of hurt and anger. Although we both contributed to the ending of the relationship it wasn’t what I wanted. I would have liked to discuss what was bothering us and see if we could find a solution to work things out.
What is a friendly way of cutting off contact? I told him I would be there for him still despite that I am putting myself out. I know he struggles with anxiety and I want to be there for him. I know none of this is his fault and perhaps he is only acting out from his child’s perspective in terms of losing his mum so young.
And yes you are right there is a reason I didn’t tell my parents or anyone as I was threatened with more violence. He said if he found out I told anyone he would kill me. I do remember feeling really dirty afterwards and I went home and ran myself a bath and sat in the bath crying. And that’s about as much as I remember – I don’t know what happened after that. The only other thing that springs to mind in connection with him is that I had to deal him when I was old enough to help out in my parent’s shop. He would come in with his 2 young daughters and I was expected to serve him. Why would he do that? I was mortified and sick to my stomach that I had to be nice to someone who molested me and threatened to kill me. I was old enough to say something then but I just couldn’t. Later in life I realised I held some resentment towards my parents. That they never protected me from being hurt. I didn’t know at the time it wasn’t their fault. But I suppose I felt let down by them again.October 5, 2018 at 11:50 am #229269
thanks for your reply. No I’m not sure if the continued communication is helpful but I feel more at peace that we have an amicable arrangement rather than a hostile no contact arrangement which has often been the case with past relationships. The thing is we both still have feelings for each other. I know he is actively looking to date but I’m not sure if he has anyone in his life at the moment. Judging by his behaviour with me he doesn’t seem to have a problem with keeping in touch with exes. I have set the boundary by asking him not to discuss romantic relationships with each other. I do wonder if I should go no contact but I don’t like the feelings of cutting him out. It feels so aggressive when neither of us have done anything wrong. I’m not sure a reunion is a good idea until I sort out my own issues and when I do I may realise he isn’t the guy for me.
Regarding the childhood incident – yes and no. It was a teenage boy who lived in the neighbourhood. At a guess he might have been 15 or 16. I was likely to be under 10… but I told no one. Not a soul. I buried it really deep as I just continued to live life normally. There was some sexual abuse but I can’t remember what. It was a one off incident. I don’t know how I managed to erase it from my mind just like that.
The other “trauma” relates to abandonment issues. Technically I wasn’t abandoned as my parents were only doing their best but I was sent away at the age of 2 to live with my grandma for a couple of years on the other side of the world. I didn’t even realise this was an issue until I started therapy but the therapists pointed out to me that this would have benn very traumatic for me and unsettling to be bounced about between carers as I was too young to process what was going on.