October 4, 2018 at 11:22 am #229025
I posted on here a few months about not being able to get over the love of my life..
Well, I’m still in the same spot 🙁 it doesn’t seem to be getting any better! It literally feels like I can’t live without him! Nothing and no one compares to him! Everyone keeps telling me it gets better but it really hasn’t gotten any better and I can’t see it getting any better… I really can’t picture my life with anyone but him..
Anyone else in this boat?October 4, 2018 at 1:40 pm #229075sunbeamsParticipant
Hey, I’m there with you.
my engagement just ended.
I wish I could tell you something to ease your pain, I know it hurts.
Nothing feels quite as good as with experiencing it with your partner. I think it gets easier, I think every time you push a little, cry a little or try something new the hurt lessons a little.
… I hopeOctober 4, 2018 at 8:56 pm #229117rishaParticipant
Hi I am going through the same phase – I just broke up with my BF he left me for his parents and he is already dating another person whom he has found secretly while he was with me.
Its been more than two weeks now and I am totally feeling depressed and cant imagine a life without him. Eventhough he betrayed me I am still unable to change my mind.
I hope and pray it would be easier for us to come out of this mess. Take care.October 5, 2018 at 12:19 am #229127
Aww ladies 🙁 i’m so sorry to hear both your stories!
Sunbeams – how comes the decision to end your engagement? I know this must be an extremely tough time for you, I know it is for me.. has it been long? Any suggestions or coping mechanisms?
Risha – somewhat similar to myself. Although he didn’t leave me for his parents I know his family had a very big influence on his decision and his life in general. It sucks and has shattered my heart into pieces in the process 🙁October 6, 2018 at 5:53 pm #229457TomParticipant
Khasxo, it’s been 3 months since my relationship ended and it has been a struggle to enjoy the things I like most. I can’t sleep at night. It has been extremely challenging. I was hoping to get more info from you if you don’t mind. Was it mutual? Were there problems on both ends? Also, I am sure you go through the idealizing part of the breakup where you constantly remember the best times and the moments where you were happy but do you also take time to think about the tough times? For my breakup I was able to see that my ex was never willing to listen to me talk about my feelings. She always got defensive and was uncaring. She had anger issues and blamed her anger on me a lot. I don’t know if this would help but I remember the times when I was not heard, or my feelings were invalidated. I make a list of the things that were bad in the relationship and then I make a list of the things I want in the next relationship. This has helped me. I hope you are taking it one day at a time and staying hopeful for the future.October 7, 2018 at 2:35 am #229485
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me! I have replied to your post on another thread where you went into some detail about your current situation and I must say the story is so relatable it brought a tear to my eye!
Our relationship was literally perfect for 2.5 years. We were lovers and best friends. However we then unexpectedly faced a situation on which we differed opinions on, his family very quickly took his side and became quite emotionally abusive to me. He withdrew completely and essentially walked out on me at the worst times of my life due to being unable to stand up to his families influence.
At the time I felt deeply hurt, betrayed, angry, confused. How could this have happened?! How could the man that loves me so much have walked away from me in a time like this and not only completely let his family take over but also not even attempt to stand up for me in the moments where they actually became bullies!
For my own sake, I decided to leave the country for a month to go and see family abroad as I knew I could not be here. We managed to delete one another off social media and stopped speaking for about two weeks. We then ‘popped up’ to one another once every week or two just to see how the other is doing. I won’t lie when I say I had complete moments of desperation where I thought pouring my heart out would change the situation. It didn’t. So I then started refraining from and trying to control the urges to contact him when I was at my lowest. So at this point the contact was the on and off ‘hi’ every couple of weeks.
When I returned back home we had agreed to meet to exchange some of our last bits and at this point I said I would like to cut off complete contact because I can’t move forward knowing that he has the option to pop up whenever he sees fit. He agreed. And I think what happened is he panicked. He showed at my house with my stuff as agreed and decided it was a good idea to start a heartfelt conversation with me for the first time since the beginning of our breakup. He is pretty much a closed book 100% of the time so I know this took a lot of guts for him.. He mentioned how he may seem like he’s getting on okay but he isn’t actually coping all that well. That he believes he has made a mistake and he’s sincerely sorry. That he loves me deeply and would like to make amends and give us another try as we were so happy! I of course at this point was in absolute shock! This is the same man who ignores any and all of my attempts to have a conversation which went beyond a Hi for over a month! Nonetheless, stupidly I heard him out and my heart felt for it all over again..
After the initial hesitation, we started talking a little bit more often. Meeting up here and there. And about a month later we ended up right where we started. With the complete lack of effort from his end. The excuse this time is ‘I have to work on myself before I can be who you need me to be, I need to figure myself out’. Which I understand.. but I thought the whole summer was exactly that time and when he showed back into my life that he was sure.
WI’ve come to the conclusion that maybe although we were so happy for many years, it just isn’t that anymore. And you’re right, it’s very easy to remember all the good times and probably what I fail to do is actually remember why we are here in the first place. This man has failed me in the worst possible way, worst possible time of my life! I have to remember this!
I know now that we do need to cut off all contact. It is going to break me but it has to be done otherwise I will never heal from this!
My rational mind knows what I need to do. But my heart fights these thoughts every single day. It is tough!October 7, 2018 at 11:45 am #229569Flo18Participant
I hear and feel your pain. It’s hard to heal and move on whilst having contact. I realised that today. Keeping light contact with my ex caused me to have a tsunami of emotions because deep down it was giving me a glimmer of false hope for a reconciliation but also knowing that he is out there dating and meeting other women. In the end I asked myself why was I doing this? Partly it was to make him feel good about himself (wtf?) and partly this hope of getting back together (which spurs the making him feel good about himself). I then had to really look at the situation and I finally accepted that no way was I going to get back with someone who rejected me and treated me unfairly. Love makes you blind and your sense of self worth goes out of the window. These past few days have been a bit of a revelation in terms of my progress where I hit one of my lowest points a few days ago. I’ve been riding a wave of emotions since the break-up and today I decided block him from all social media as well as deleting his number from my phone. I have been known to do this before and back tracked but because I know this about myself I have written a list of all the reasons why I no longer want to have him in my life so that if I am ever tempted to contact him I have something to refer to. I will probably come on here and gather the help of anyone who will listen! If the man who is supposedly the love of your life rejected you then he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life in any shape or form. Did I feel guilty about doing this without telling him – yes slightly and I really didn’t want to be hostile but at the same time I didn’t want to open up a conversation about it and I needed to do what was best for me. Quite frankly I reminded myself that he rejected me and I am under no obligation to be nice about anything. I don’t think he went to any lengths to consider my feelings when we had the argument about his ex. Also because I have now accepted that a reconciliation is out of the question I actually don’t care what he thinks anymore.
I think it’s helpful what Tom says – to make a list of all the things that was wrong about the relationship and keep them as reminders to help you move on. Time does heal but it’s what you do with that time.October 7, 2018 at 12:22 pm #229581
Firstly a big big congratulations to you on taking that HUGE step to finally cut ties with this man. Because it is a huge step. So well done! Good on you! I am hoping to also take that step sooner rather than later as my rational self knows that’s the best thing for me.
I think you have a major point regarding the idea of getting back together or the what if’s that come with that for being the reason that you kept in light contact. I can completely relate and honestly say I’ve been doing the same thing. I think for me, I think somewhere deep rooted in waiting for the 11th of October to pass (what would’ve been our anniversary). I’m not entirely sure why or what I’m expecting to magically change in the next few days but perhaps to me this is the kind of closure I need? Perhaps my trail of thought is that if we both get through that day with absolutely nothing, and the day is nothing then maybe that’s all the reiteration I need. The mind works in mysterious ways eh!
I can definitely say I’ve made progress as a month ago if someone even suggested to cut complete ties I wouldn’t have even considered it. At this point in time, I KNOW it needs to be done. I think I am somewhat ready to take that step. I believe I will also feel about about not discussing this move with him but why should I? Why should you? We owe these men nothing!
How often did you guys speak in your ‘light contact’ phase? Is he likely to pop up again sometime soon?October 7, 2018 at 1:03 pm #229593Flo18Participant
Thank you. I would encourage you to think about what 11 October means to you in this moment in time. I don’t mean to sound mean but there can’t be an “anniversary” if you guys are not together.
I was the same I didn’t want to completely cut ties although I knew fundamentally this was the best action to take. I had tried to do it in the past but he had convinced me that it was very cold to just cut ties.
We broke up 4 months ago and during this time we have been in contact on/off. Initially we went no contact for 2 weeks as I asked him to never contact me again but I reached out to him as I couldn’t accept that it was over. I desperately wanted him in my life still and I was far from rational about whether that was the right thing. I idealised him and I thought that if we kept in touch we would figure it out somehow. I was only kidding myself. It was only because the last time we broke up we had kept in touch we ended up getting back together. However, I realised today that the reason I wanted us to get back together was purely to remove the horrible feelings that I was having about the break up not because I really wanted him. How can you really want someone who doesn’t want you? That’s a bit messed up.
The light contact recently was probably checking in once a week. Mostly initiated by him but that just gave my perversed mind the belief that he wanted to get back with me. In reality he was probably needing his ego stroked in between his dating other people. Nope – if he didn’t want me in the first place then he can’t have any of me. I feel I’m being harsh but I have to tend to my needs now. Once I start to give myself the self love that I deserve by not falling for dishonest behaviours then maybe I can start to bring in a man who deserves me and can love me unconditionally and stand by me when things are tough.
I came across a heart break app called “Mend”. It might help? Can’t comment on how good it is as I only downloaded it today. To get over someone we must stop the dwelling on the past and focus on the things that light us up, not on the things that makes us feel bad. By all means mourn the loss of the relationship because that is important. I’m not saying I’m healed as I think it will still take time but the acceptance that it’s truly over is one step closer.
If he was to pop up again it would mean he would have had to try really hard and the universe is conspiring to bring us together again. He can email me but that’s down to me if I reply and at this present moment I have no desire to respond to him. My main focus is to give myself the self love and build back my self worth. By responding to him I would be failing myself. I hope you can trust yourself to do what is right for you.October 8, 2018 at 4:08 am #229695
I know that the 11th of October is a non existent day at this point, nonetheless I am holding on to some kind of hope that perhaps things turn around then.. I know they won’t but the battle between mind and heart is a truly difficult one!
Another lady on the forum, Shelby, mentioned on her thread the difference between acknowledging that we may be okay in 6 months time being away from the ex, but do we really want to be away from them for so long? No. And that is another hard pill to swallow I think.
The heart wants what the heart wants unfortunately.
I think you’re very brave and strong to be in a place where your rational mind takes over what your heart may want. You are right, you absolutely need to do what’s best for you and your healing and your wellbeing. As do I, I’m just not quite there yet.
I think sometimes we as people look for some kind of grand gesture or sign for closure. Perhaps the 11th is just that for me.. I hope it is.