Your ex partner sounds like he’s got a personality disorder, perhaps he is bipolar? Have you ever looked into this? The bottom line is, it doesn’t sound like you will ever find peace in your life until you start to create some physical and emotional boundaries as far as he is concerned. I sympathize with the fact that you obviously loved him and want things to get better, and you longed for the days where he was happy and things were good, but these moments sound fleeting, and there’s a really good chance that it’s because he has some other issues going on with him.

I would urge you to learn more about bipolar disorder.. I really don’t think this has anything to do with you and I also don’t think you’d be able to ‘help’ him heal. Try to focus on you and on getting yourself stronger and to a healthier place, as you have been. Take his distance as a blessing and try to just pick up the pieces of your own life – you have the opportunity to create a life for yourself that is healthy, happy and peaceful. Maximize on this opportunity. Ask yourself what your own dreams are all about and create some goals to start working towards achieving them. I know it’s hard right now, but the one constant thing about life is how quickly it changes. In time this will be a distant memory and you’ll be grateful you seized the lessons that were meant for you. The fact that you have a feeling in your gut telling you there is better out there is paramount. Hold on to that feeling, what I’ve learnt so far in my life is that I can always trust my gut even if I can’t trust my head or my heart anymore. My gut has never betrayed me. When the time is right, you’ll meet the right person. But not a moment sooner. In the meantime, why not create a life that you love and enjoy with your son and your support network? You’re doing fantastic already.

This book helped me when I lost my self-esteem and also had a hard time coping with my emotions after a horrible relationship, maybe it will speak to you. “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. I hope that it will help remind you to be compassionate towards yourself each and every day. Take this journey one day at a time and you’ll be okay. Good luck.

Hey Luca,

I’m not a fan of diagnosing other people’s personality disorders at a distance, so I will leave that where it is. One thing is clear though: he did not treat you right, and you are better off without him. Good for you, I congratulate you on your strength and skill in getting where you are.

You’re right, it’s not the same as a normal break-up. Abuse can leave deep scars in your mind and that takes time and determination to heal. He presented himself as two people: Good Him and Bad Him, and got you to believe that if you only did everything right, you could be with Good Him and all would be happiness and sunshine. And I’m sure you know that this was a lie, that there was only ever one of him, and he was a manipulative, rage-driven person you were right not to put up with. But maybe there’s part of you that wants to believe there was a Good Him, and if you’d only found the key…

Forgive yourself for thinking this way sometimes. It’s hard to be alone, and of course you miss the company and sweetness that he provided. But remind yourself there was only one of him, and it wasn’t Good. That was a dream, or a nightmare, that you are now waking up from.

There is real love in the world. There are good men in the world. Keep on taking care of yourself and your son, stay open to the possibility of love, and one of them may find you. You say your family doesn’t really know about the abuse. Do you have a friend or someone else who you could talk to, perhaps? If only just so you have a witness, someone to say: yes, that happened. You were wronged. Sometimes it’s really helpful to have someone who knows the story, who you can talk to in the bad moments.

I wish you good moments only. I wish you strength and patience.