Hi Miney10,

I’m sorry 🙁 Breakups are never easy. It sounds like he wasn’t feeling it and ended it, and it doesn’t make it any less painful when it just didn’t work out between two people.

But it sounds to me like you are coping. It’s going to hurt, and it might hurt for a while. And that’s okay. It’s normal to grieve. It’s normal to be sad. It’s normal to think to the future and hope that he comes crawling back! But you can’t live in those spaces. You can be sad, grieve, day dream…but you have to go on living your life. Call over your friends for pizza and Ben&Jerry’s and a good chick flick or two. Be sad with them. Or go out dancing. And be sad there too if you have to. Take a hike in a beautiful place. Cry at the sunset. Whatever it is that will help you feel better, do it!

Don’t shame yourself for how you’re grieving and what you’re feeling. Just feel, and breathe, and live, and one day you’ll start to move on. It gets easier with time. And if time is passing and it’s not getting easier, talking to a professional will always help.

From someone who has had their heart broken–I know what you’re going through. You’re going to be okay, I promise.

Dear Miney10:

You wrote: “I have been so down and not had much to say but only because of the way he was treating me”- how did he treat you?

Were there a lot of arguing/ fighting between the two of you before the breakup, and if so, how did those fights look like? Did you say hurtful things to him when angry, blaming him for things… did he say hurtful things to you..?

anita

Dear Miney10:

Following an argument he told you that he wasn’t happy and didn’t think that you were happy either. He told you that he has “hurt (you) enough and can’t go on doing it“. He suggested that he may be at fault for not “showing his emotions enough“, that he “doesn’t have the qualities a real boyfriend should have and (you) deserve better“, and that he is “truly sorry for.. all the hurt he’s caused (you)”.

You wrote that you hardly argued throughout the relationship and that he has been “pulling away for months”, displaying lack of affection

Following the recent breakup you discovered something about his Facebook and “Told him to go to hell and wish I had never met him”.

Reads to me that this might have happened (this is a possibility, for your consideration and evaluation, let me know):

He it the quiet type, tends to feel guilty when things go wrong in a relationship. During most if not all of the relationship you communicated to him that he is an inadequate boyfriend, not good enough, not emotional enough, and what not. He didn’t … defend himself or argue or assert himself with you. He took in the accusations, as subtle as they may have been, because he already believes he is inadequate.

For a few months he was considering breaking up, feeling quite miserable. At one point he gathered the courage to breakup with you, expressed to you his long felt guilt (quotes above, at the beginning of my post).

anita

Dear Miney10:

When you wrote: “he was all these things for the first year and then he changed”- I don’t understand what you mean by “all these things”- do you mean that he was quiet and guilt ridden in the first year of the relationship and in the last six months or so, he was not so quiet and taking-on guilt?

anita

Dear Miney10:

In your post before last you wrote: “I was never constantly communicating all these things to him so not like I was putting him down all the time”- what I understand from your sentence is that sometimes you communicated to him in the first year, before his changed behavior/ withdrawal, that he was not emotional enough and that he was inadequate as a boyfriend. It doesn’t take constant disapproval to cause a person to feel inadequate, especially for a person already inclined to feel that way, already feeling inadequate. It may take only once.

Reading your  last post, it may be that he was angry at you, staying in the relationship but angry, and his anger showed in passive-aggressive ways.

anita

You are welcome, Miney10.

anita