I’ve always appreciated the opinions and advice of the good people here, so here goes…
My wife and I have been struggling greatly through the last 8 months trying to save our marriage. There’s been problems regarding intimacy off and on for years, but recently they hit a real fork in the road when my wife declared she was attracted to women.
It was shocking to say the least. Everybody that knows us would tell you what a great couple we make, in fact a lot would tell you they try to model their own relationships off ours. We have a beautiful little family and our kids are amazing.
We have so much in common from our love of snow and the mountains to our views on life and healthy eating living, etc. For years we each believed that what we had was forever.
She loves me, I love her, there’s no question there. She doesn’t want any other life nor is she attracted to anyone else. Just now she says she can’t feel right intimately with me anymore. We’ve been to the point of separating a few times during the struggle. But each time we return to each other because the pain of being apart was too much.
Recently while in the middle of a break up, we both attended our friends wedding separately. We found each other holding hands during the ceremony and looking at each other. Clearly remembering the love and commitment we made to each other.
I went home by myself and was very sad. I really didn’t feel like I could go on without her back in my life. It took all my strength not to call her and beg her to come home.
I woke the next morning on the couch to my wife coming in the door. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She came to me, hugged me and said that she was sorry for all the hurt she’d caused me, and that she just wanted to stay there with me and make it work. I was over whelmed with relief. These were the words I’d been craving to hear. I asked her wait are you sure this is what you want? She assured me it was. The next day I returned to work with all the energy and must for life I’d lost during this time. I finally felt like we could move forward.
In three days time, while discussing something other than our relationship for once, the conversation suddenly turned from what we were talking about to her still not feeling right and that she needed time, space and that she couldn’t do that while being with me.
It was so painful to have had this taste of the life I need back, only to have it ripped away from me again. I’m still in shock.
She has moved out only saying she can’t see a way to make if work even though it’s all she wants. She’s not saying she never will, just that she can’t now, and that I should move on. Even though she doesn’t really want me to.
I’m so confused.
I really don’t know what to do. Obviously it’s a hard situation, for her to find intimacy with me something she enjoys again. But it’s equally hard to break up this amazing life we have. To do this to our kids breaks my heart so much. They are who they are because they have the constant love and guidance from us both. To have to give up half of the precious time we have with them is crazy.
I know that a lot of the difficulties we had have been a lot to do with us starting out together very young and neither of us really knowing ourselves and from reacting badly to situations. Situations that I believe if we could go back with the knowledge we have about each other now, could have played out so much better. We might not be in the situation we’re now in.
I know she’s things that way too.
There has been hurts on both of our behalves, that although they’ve been acknowledge, have never been as understood as they are now. I think also we have been hurting through this experience for so long that it’s hard to see any forward when we are in this pit of despair.
I really believe that with our new understandings, empathy and knowledge we can find a way forward together and not have to break up our family.
So I won’t move on from her, not when I know, a and she says there’s still a chance. I will move on with life because we have put so much on hold for so long. But it’s not easy. Moving on in a life that should be shared with her is heartbreaking. She is living just two houses away and our kids are back and forth between us a lot. I see her so much, we live in a small town. Every time I see her I just want to run to her and wrap her in my arms. Just get back to living this short but amazing life we have, find the joy again and not waste anymore of our precious young days together.
That’s the thing that is the hardest. Getting on with life when it’s not really decided either way how it will go. No idea how long that might take. Finding strength now when I feel like I’ve used so much already through this is so draining. With so much good at stake. The kids, who yes are great and would pull through and have our love and support, but they will also always be effected by this. By taking away there fairy tale of the two people they love the most in the world being there for them together always. How do I let go of this? How do I let her go? When I know it’s not what she really wants either…
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I’m sorry it was so long, amazingly I think I’ve probably left out heaps but this were my thoughts at the time. I hope they make sense.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.