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Struggling to get over a bad experience and move on

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  • #47365
    Serena
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m a journeyman heavy duty mechanic working in the oilpatch. After completing my apprenticeship I left my home town and relocated up north to work with a large heavy oil cementing services company. Despite the normal difficulties I experienced as a female mechanic, I enjoyed my job a great deal and was excited and passionate about it. I referred a former co-worker to come work in the oilpatch with me, and he was hired as well. To make a long story short, there was a serious electrical fire on a truck I had worked on, and I was wrongly blamed for it by this same former friend and co-worker. It was immediately assumed that his blame was accurate and although I was not formally disciplined or chastised in any way, my co-workers treated my very badly over the next six months while the truck was away being rewired at a dealership.

    After the truck was returned, I was able to prove to management that the fire had not been my fault and in fact could have been prevented if a repair had been made to the battery disconnect which I had recommended prior to the fire. I asked for a public apology for being blamed for the fire, which I did not receive.

    Since this incident my life has deteriorated completely. I am depressed and often contemplate suicide. Although I am no longer working for that company, I often find myself replaying the incident in my head and feeling terrified something like this will happen to me again. I struggle to find the same passion I once had at my new job, even though the experiences I am getting here are improving my skills and enriching my career. I don’t even care anymore and it’s frightening me, because I worked so hard for this and now I feel completely destroyed as a person. I have trouble forming relationships at work because I don’t trust anyone. How can I get past this and move on?

    #47366
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Serena,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. I am new, and still trying to wrap my head around some of these concepts that Buddhism teaches. I too place high value on what others thing or say about me. As I have been reading been and common sense tells us that this is not a good thing. I’m finding as I dig deeper into my deepest feelings and fears through meditation and mindfulness I find that there are some answers there. Continue to search for your answer, I’m sure it is within you, and if you need some guidance in the form of a book I recommend “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. Plus, there are many good blogs on this site. I wish you peace.

    #47423
    Kel
    Participant

    Serena,
    I’m sorry to hear about your negative experience at work, and that you were wrongly blamed for the incident with the truck. I understand where you are coming from – I’m a female engineer, and not all of my experiences managing all male contractors in the field have been positive ones. There have been many times where I’ve been overlooked, or assumed to be less competent at my work, which I am not.

    You did everything right by proving that you were not responsible and requesting an apology – management was wrong for ignoring your request and taking the word of one employee over another. I too have struggled with depression that stems from negative experiences at work, because like you I put too much emphasis on other peoples’ opinions of me, and not enough emphasis on my belief in myself and my own abilities.

    Something that really helped me was reading “Feeling Good”, by Dr. David Burns. He goes over many different cognitive therapy techniques for overcoming depression, anxiety, and feelings of guilt. One thing that stuck with me from the book is that no one else can MAKE you feel one way or another – you are the only person able to control your feelings and your responses to difficult situations. I had always thought it was other people making me feel ashamed or worthless or upset – it turns out I was making myself feel that way all along. I was the one building up negativity in my own mind.

    In the book, Dr. Burns outlines a lot of easy writing exercises to get you to come to positive conclusions about yourself and help you manage your feelings and confusion. I think if you look into some of those, they will help you come to the conclusion that you did nothing wrong, and you cannot let the negative words and opinions of others bring you down, or make you feel like any less of a person. It’s time to let go of the anger, sadness, and guilt, and start living your life the way you want to again. I hope this helps!

    Best wishes,
    Kel

    #47424
    Matt
    Participant

    Serena,

    I’m sorry for the suffering you’re spinning with, and can understand why you’d be a little disconnected and apathetic. Consider that when we go through troubling experiences, especially injustices, our faith can be seriously challenged. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Perhaps you’ve lost a little trust in the stability or balance of things. You did well, made proper suggestions, and were blamed by a coworker that you even helped get a job. Then six months of divisive BS from others? How the heck is that fair! It makes sense that it would stick in your brain, especially considering your career (engineering/mechanical intelligence grows from the physical reliability of measures and functions). Here, the equation doesn’t seem to fit. Hard work+kindness+expertise is supposed to equate to positive recognition from peers.

    The challenge is to see how it has nothing to do with you. Much like a seed planted into sand will not grow, our loving intentions and skillfulness don’t blossom when the conditions aren’t right. Said differently, those folks who blamed and judged and treated you poorly did so because of their own hangups and delusion. This is sad for them, because while you can leave and work for a different company, they can’t, because they carry it with them. Said differently, don’t bother fretting when sand yields no fruit, just move on.

    As far as the knots inside, which in this moment prevent your happiness, I see a few things. First, consider the actual equation of the experience. You wanted positive regard from your peers, didn’t receive it, and feel crappy because of it. Its normal to have that desire, but it also has that consequence of being vulnerable to others’ delusions. On their side, they have “judgment” “aggression” “delusion”. Its normal to blame others for things that happen to us, such as a fire. It has a similar consequence of prevent the growth that comes from seeing things truly. For instance, as they just blamed you, they perhaps overlooked the procedures that could evolve to avoid future fires. In not issuing a public apology, they lost an insightful and skillful team member. So, their delusion came at a pretty hefty cost. Similarly, your vulnerability to criticism (grasping for peer recognition) had a similar cost.

    Consider instead that we do our best to see the truth and be skillful with it. You saw the battery connector, and did your best to see it repaired. The rest of the happenings are only sticky because you let them be. You did well, and you know it. Their delusion turned to aggression, and as they threw it at you, you matched it with your own defensive aggression. Instead of seeing them as deluded, falsely attributing the fire to your work, and how limiting delusion is for growth, you made it about you. Which, of course, is perfectly normal to do. It really has nothing to do with you, or your new company, or the people you work with. It is about them and their delusion, their attachments, their suffering… specific people with histories and parents and hangups. On their side. When you can rest patiently with that, you’ll be free.

    Also consider, if they would ignore the recommendations of a mechanic, which leads to a fire… why would you want their positive regard? They sound a little screwy to say the least. 🙂

    Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice (search YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if interested). Much like an engine without oil overheats and seizes quickly, a body that doesn’t spend time resting with loving warmth inside it becomes spinny and restless. You’ve been through some difficult moments lately, dear sister, and spending a little time caring for yourself, being gentle with yourself, could go a long way to help you feel safe again.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #47607
    Serena
    Participant

    Thank you for the wonderful comments and suggestions, Tony, Kel, and Matt! I am deeply touched and also I feel such a sense of relief knowing that I have no control over whether something like this happens to me again… only that I have control over how I react to it. Although still deeply sad over this event, I feel more at peace when I consider why it happened, and I no longer feel a constant urge to revisit the event and analyze whether I could have somehow caused the outcome to be different. Best wishes and peace to you all. Thank you so much for your compassion. 🙂

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