unworthy,

Good for you for taking charge with caring for yourself with your diet and exercise and way of thinking.

I would be aware of how you label yourself (e.g. “unworthy”) for words are powerful especially how we program our unconsciousness.

A suggestion with your daughter is to be the parent, i.e. draw lines on what is acceptable behavior with you, set boundaries.  You can stop being sorry but can communicate that you are doing the best you can in caring for her, that you will not tolerate being disrespected by her, that you will not war with her father especially in spreading falsehoods like he or the step mum are doing.

You can tell her that even though her father is openly disrespectful in front of you and her, that you will not do the same with him since that is not right.  Plus you can speak up for yourself whenever your ex does that.  Even if he ignores your request of not saying such things, at least you have shown that you have boundaries which is good role modeling for your daughter.

Again, acknowledge what you have done right for yourself and that you are doing the best you can with integrity (as oppose to what your ex and the step are doing).

Mark

A word that appears often in your story is Shame. Shame is a complex emotion. Sometimes the shame we feel is deserved, for example we deliberately hurt someone, and the shame we feels informs us that amends may be called for, however most of the shame we feel and that drives us  and keeps us stuck is not deserved. We have done nothing wrong, are nothing wrong…

Undeserved shame is shame we feel for being who we are, as we are (who others told us we are)…. we judge and measure ourselves unnecessarily unacceptable… We tend to suck at measuring our experiences, judging them and then worse labeling our sense of self based on those measurements.

“One of the plainest truths about both towns and individuals is that they usually don’t turn into what we tell them to be, but what they are told they are.”  ― Fredrik Backman, Beartown

You may find Lewis B Smedes book ‘Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve‘ helpful

“If you persistently feel you don’t measure up, you are feeling shame—that vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and diminishes our joy. The good news is that shame can be healed.”

Dear caroline:

You wrote: “I know they (family) love me in their definition of love”- my comment: to be love it has to be experienced as love by the supposed loved-one.

You asked: “Have you healed this belief.. that you feel there is something wrong with you? If so, can you say a little about this”-

Feelings and thoughts in this context go very much together, feelings lead to thoughts, thoughts lead to feelings. This happens quickly and frequently. “There is something wrong with me” is a thought that causes distres. At times one feels distress, not knowing why, and that distress leads to the thought: what is wrong? If not knowing the cause, the question is then: what is wrong with me?

The healing I have experienced (still an ongoing process) is about identifying the sources of distress. A few moments ago I felt distress and noticed that the reason was that the temperature is too high so I removed a piece of clothing. I identified the problem and came up with a solution. it is important to do it throughout the day.

It took me a long time to understand that my anxiety is a result of being injured, that it is a consequence of being harmed as a child. That it is not a defect in me, that anyone in my place, having suffered the injuries I suffered, would feel anxious. That I am a human, reacting like a human, to an injury. Just like you have, caroline. We don’t choose this uncomfortable, unpleasant experience. I repeat this truth to myself and it calms me down, at times. Right now it does.

I pay attention to what I think and if what I think is not congruent with reality, I correct my thinking so that it is. The more my thinking is congruent with reality, the less distress. An example from what you shared: “I feel ridiculous that my anxiety is preventing me from driving”. The thought is: there is something wrong with me, shameful, about being anxious (and having a difficulty driving as a result of it). Correcting the untrue thought is: I was injured, this is why I am anxious. I deserve empathy for having been injured/shamed. I don’t deserve more shame.

anita

Dear caroline:

About your interactions with your mother, you wrote:

“I feel like saying to my mum, what will it take to get you to see how much pain I’m in?” -If she didn’t see your pain in 37 years, better give up that hope.

“It is so hard to raise a smile in her presence… having to be strong and prove myself”- better not try to raise a smile, better not try to appear strong for your mother. Definitely, better not aim at proving yourself to your mother. I don’t think you owe her that.

Regarding your interactions with your daughter: I wish your daughter didn’t live with her father or with you, that she would have a third option and that she attends quality psychotherapy. Don’t accept abuse from her, don’t abuse her, do no harm to her and accept no harm from her. I hope that healing can take place soon enough, on her part as well as on yours, and that the relationship between the two of you will be a good one. It is possible and that possibility is exciting to me.

I see your first priority to be that of resting and relaxing, removing people in your life that encourage your distress, simplify your life best you can.

I hope you post again soon.

anita

Dear caroline:

I appreciate that being a parent is a big part of who you are. I will explain my comment about wishing your daughter did not live with her father or with you, that she would have had a third option where to live, and then have quality therapy while living in that third option:

You wrote in your original post: “her dad still puts me down in front of her and tells lies about me and the step mum is unstable.. the ex and step mum have judged me and said I ‘threw’ her out… she (step mother) has even told me herself that she doesn’t even want (your daughter) to live there”- this is why she shouldn’t live there.

You stated your daughter has abused you, physically as well- this is why she shouldn’t live with you.

You wrote: “my daughter has been playing us off against each other”- this is why a third option is a good idea, so that there are no two sides (first and second options) playing against each other.  Your ex and his current wife have been turning your daughter against you, reads to me. (Maybe your daughter is trying to please her father by carrying on his battle against you).

Please let me know if my explanation resolves your hurt, the hurt you expressed in your recent post.

anita

Dear caroline:

I read and studied your posts on the other threads, particularly the first one, April 2016. You and I have a lot in common. When I was your age (and a decade later) I too did not yet meet a therapist I trusted nor did I meet a man who was decent, a man able and willing to help me in the context of a relationship.

I too wasted a whole lot of time and energy with a negative return on investment, drained with nothing positive to show for it, nothing at all. It is overwhelming, is it not (it is for me) to realize the enormity of the waste of one’s time and energy.

I was at the point of giving up altogether when I finally met a man who was decent and who was interested in a committed, loving relationship with me. That is what it took for me to begin the long process of my healing, and that happened, the very beginning of my healing process, when I was ten years older than you are now.

There is so much I started typing to you here, on this post, and I keep deleting it. I  share with you and then I delete, scared to be misunderstood. Scared to wait, vulnerable after I submit. Scared you will respond, saying something like: this is not my experience, you got it all wrong!

So I delete.

I read all your writing about your ex, the first boyfriend to later be back to your life, lots and lots about that. He was not the decent, loving man able and willing to help you. When he encouraged you to get closer to your family, for one, he harmed you. The promises he made kept you going, kept you trying. You thought that the two of you being hurt will be a bond to strengthen the two of you as a couple, that you will have the co-parent you needed to help you with your daughter. That didn’t happen. The hurts the two of you shared from childhood did not translate to strength as a team of two, as a family of three. It didn’t happen.

I hope he remains in your past. No reason for me to look into that relationship as it was a waste. There is nothing there.

You wrote: “I have tried to improve my life but it has been hard as our relationship has taken so much work as well as being a mum and the stress from worrying about money… my life is always a struggle.”

Your relationship with your family, “I feel I’m put on trial all the time in their presence, it’s draining.. I know they love me in their definition of love and I love them but do I like them, no and I feel bad about that”- still not knowing that you were not loved, still feeling shame for deep down knowing they did not love you. The shame belongs with them, not with you.

My healing has been about going back to the past for just that purpose: to give the shame to my mother, where it belongs. See, I loved her. She didn’t love me.

You wrote: “I feel like saying to my mum, what will it take to get you to see how much pain I’m in?” I think it will take her loving you. But then, if she did love you, you wouldn’t be in this pain.

“I know you only like to fix me’, but she broke you when she laughed at your father’s teasing of you, not protecting you. You loved her for that, you wrote, for not doing the teasing… because you loved her.

You have done your best to be a good mother to your daughter. It was impossible for you to do any better without any help. The help you needed had to do with distancing yourself from your parents (but your ex encouraged you to get closer to them, unfortunately, as he himself still lived with his mother). But you didn’t get that help.

Whatever therapy you had was and could be only of partial help without a supportive relationship outside of therapy. It takes the two things: therapy and a supportive relationship, one with a decent, loving man. You didn’t have that.

I don’t think I am helpful at all. I am quite tired and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer futility of all the trying I did in over forty years of my life, the trying I am acutely aware of after reading about all your trying. I feel vulnerable sharing this. I imagine you felt vulnerable too, sharing. It hurts to feel judged or criticized. I am afraid of the same thing.

I definitely do not want to trigger that shame in you (as unjustified a shame as it is). I definitely don’t want to trigger the critical voice in you. I wish you gave your shame to the people where it belongs and freed yourself from it.

I would like to communicate with you further. If you would like. If in this post I somehow confused our individual experiences and seen it as being the same where it is not, please let me know.

anita