The other topic I started was about a thanksgiving that she was hosting and I was initially supposed to be a part of. It was bare bones in comparison to what it was going to be. Originally the plan was her mother, my parents, her and I, two of her cousins, and our friends. It was just the cousin who lives with her, her, her mother and 2 of our friends who felt obligated to go, considering they don’t like the way my ex has been behaving and they don’t like her cousin/roommate, and left earlier than they were supposed to. I saw some posts from there yesterday, not from my ex but from our friends, and it seemed like they were having some fun, and it made me sad. I talked to that friend this morning who said it went “fine”, but my ex and her cousin bickered a lot. I was sad all day yesterday and spent more time than I should wondering if they missed me at all. My friend said they did miss me, but I don’t know if my ex missed me yesterday like I missed her, and that drives me nuts. I know she’s putting on such a strong front to the world right now to make sure she doesn’t have to face these feelings. Or is she really just completely over me? Does she not miss me because she’s over me, or are the feelings so strong that she doesn’t want to break down and talk about them because it would hurt?

Oh no no no, I am not trying to place blame on her in any way, I know full well that I had plenty to do to contribute to it. I have taken responsibility and sincerely apologized to her about what I know I did, and I’m working hard on the issues I had during the relationship. I’m not at all trying to bad mouth her to anyone, I don’t believe she is a bad person at all and know she doesn’t deserve it. Me contemplating if she is depressed is strictly me being concerned about her, and I’m not presenting her in any way to anyone else. Everyone who I have talked to knows her just as well or better than I have, and have come to their own conclusions on their own.

I can present the story in a shorter more condensed version, wherein I also talk about my short comings. We were best friends, but when things started changing for me I let my anxiety get in the way and didn’t tell her for years. Around the time that she moved out, I got anxious again and let it get in the way of our relationship and we didn’t talk for awhile. When I finally told her I had feelings for her, I was again anxious, tried to figure things out and got scared, as did she. So we again didn’t talk. Then started dating, I would be anxious sometimes and act out in ways that were wrong based on my anxiety. But what we lacked was communication in the way of being open and honest about what was scaring us at the time and how we could get around it. I think that’s what ultimately led to the breakup. She and I both were scared to directly face the issues, and she was braver than I and called it off when it wasn’t working for her. I don’t resent her or that decision, it was strong of her. The only place I’m at now is worrying that I have all this guilt and regret at how things happened and I wish I could apologize over and over again for how things happened. Me saying that I know she is depressed and isolating is just me searching for some closure that I can’t get from her, it gives me a bit of an understanding why she won’t talk to me or see me right now. I’m scared to lose the most important person in my life. I want to try again with her, i still love her and know now how to not make the same mistakes again. I feel like I failed her and would do anything if she let me back into her life.

The flat out truth is I know I messed up. I was so scared to lose her that I ended up losing her.