The flat out truth is I know I messed up. I was so scared to lose her that I ended up losing her.

I can present the story in a shorter more condensed version, wherein I also talk about my short comings. We were best friends, but when things started changing for me I let my anxiety get in the way and didn’t tell her for years. Around the time that she moved out, I got anxious again and let it get in the way of our relationship and we didn’t talk for awhile. When I finally told her I had feelings for her, I was again anxious, tried to figure things out and got scared, as did she. So we again didn’t talk. Then started dating, I would be anxious sometimes and act out in ways that were wrong based on my anxiety. But what we lacked was communication in the way of being open and honest about what was scaring us at the time and how we could get around it. I think that’s what ultimately led to the breakup. She and I both were scared to directly face the issues, and she was braver than I and called it off when it wasn’t working for her. I don’t resent her or that decision, it was strong of her. The only place I’m at now is worrying that I have all this guilt and regret at how things happened and I wish I could apologize over and over again for how things happened. Me saying that I know she is depressed and isolating is just me searching for some closure that I can’t get from her, it gives me a bit of an understanding why she won’t talk to me or see me right now. I’m scared to lose the most important person in my life. I want to try again with her, i still love her and know now how to not make the same mistakes again. I feel like I failed her and would do anything if she let me back into her life.

Oh no no no, I am not trying to place blame on her in any way, I know full well that I had plenty to do to contribute to it. I have taken responsibility and sincerely apologized to her about what I know I did, and I’m working hard on the issues I had during the relationship. I’m not at all trying to bad mouth her to anyone, I don’t believe she is a bad person at all and know she doesn’t deserve it. Me contemplating if she is depressed is strictly me being concerned about her, and I’m not presenting her in any way to anyone else. Everyone who I have talked to knows her just as well or better than I have, and have come to their own conclusions on their own.

I also don’t think it was nearly as fun as it was advertised as being, like when I was involved and even after I wasn’t involved. She said it was “fine”, not good or great.

It was expressed quite a bit in the relationship. Many different times, especially around the beginning, I would often times do or say things because I almost didn’t believe she wanted to be with me, and I wanted validation. I have an issue with texting first or asking to hang out because I worry I’m bothering her, she’s usually busy. She cited that in our breakup, saying I wasn’t meeting her halfway and felt that she had more confidence in our relationship than I did. I also spent a lot of time worrying her family didn’t like me, given I am tattooed and have a piercing and she doesn’t, her family is conservative and wasn’t completely on board when they found out we were dating, given the same sex relationship. That led me to almost breaking up with her once on a trip to see her family, my anxiety got so far in the way and I was terrified and overwhelmed that she would break up with me because her family didn’t like me. That being said though, her family does like me. Her mother loved me and could tell we had feelings for each other before we were dating, and her sister and mother told her that I was good for her.

The thing about that is I felt that this didn’t warrant a breakup. I had no idea that these things bothered her so much until she was ending it. Wouldn’t that sort of thing be discussed in a conversation and an agreement to work on it? I was working on myself and my insecurities, and continue to. I just have a lot of guilt about feeling like it was my fault, although everyone I’ve talked to says it’s not my fault, and how she’s behaving isn’t a reflection on me because I took personal responsibility, she has yet to take any personal responsibility for the breakup, because she hasn’t talked about it and will change the topic once someone asks her what she could have done differently.

I know what I could have done differently, and I just wish I could show her what I’m capable of.

And I understand! As I was writing it I realized it was a much longer and more complicated story than I thought, and likely left some stuff out. But I am open and willing to be honest about anything, so ask any questions you need to.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Jean.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Jean.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Jean.

Thank you for the responses anita, they really are helping. And I like those words, I may try those.

what I am struggling with though is not understanding why she can’t provide closure, and why we couldn’t just go back to being friends. We were best friends for 5 years before we started dating. Is she still feeling raw, or is it possible she isn’t over me and can’t handle those feelings yet and just needs time? Does she miss me or care at all?

and based on what I’ve said, do you think there’s a chance for us? I’m working on making myself my best self. I’ve grown in this time apart, and I know what I would need to do. I know distance makes the heart grow fonder, and it has in my case, but has it for her?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Jean.

I want to do that, but she has said she doesn’t want to see or talk to me at all right now. Which also hurts because this wasn’t a messy breakup, or one that gave her reason to hate me. She refuses to talk to me. She hasn’t really even talked about our breakup with her friends. When her best friend tries to get her to talk about it she can say what she felt I did wrong, but when her friend asks her “how do you think you contributed?” She will literally change the topic or say she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, I feel as if my hands are completely tied.

This is very very true. She repressed emotions and internalizes everything. After the breakup her friends even would ask her if she wanted help after she said she was sad, and she would flat out deny it and say she was trying to figure out how to process on her own, which we all know is just internalizing and bottling feelings uoz I know where this comes from, this has always been a trait of hers, and I think it comes from a family that doesn’t talk openly about feelings and looks down on the weaknesses of their loved ones. What does hurt me though is that she knows the kind of person I am. I cry and I talk and I let my emotions out whenever I can, it helps me. And I allow people to vent to me and talk to me. She knows that’s who I am, but seems to have forgotten. I still worry about her and want to be there for her, and I’m also slightly worried that she could just repress and internalize so much that she just digs herself into a deeper hole and pushes thoughts and feelings of me so far down and I never see her ever again.