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Struggling with a recent breakup… but it feels so much more complicated.

HomeForumsRelationshipsStruggling with a recent breakup… but it feels so much more complicated.

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #238531
    Jean
    Participant

    Hello, I am completely brand new to this kind of thing, so bear with me. I am desperately looking for advice or a direction, so I figured I’d shoot my shot here.

    So my story is a long one. About 6 years ago, I moved to a new city and started school. I joined a sports team and immediately made friends with the other girls on the team, including a girl I’ll call Nancy for the sake of this story. Nancy and I weren’t necessarily fast friends, most likely because she was a sophomore and I was an annoying freshman who was figuring college out in the most annoying way possible. But come second semester of my freshman year, we were friends, and that friendship just got stronger. We spent time a ton of time together, traveled together, and at one point she stayed at my house in my bed with me most nights of the week, but it was platonic. We even kissed a few times, still platonic. HOWEVER, things in my life need meaning, and I am a romantic type, and I developed pretty strong feelings for her, but they weren’t reciprocated so I kept them a secret from her. We even lived together for a year and my other roommates would get annoyed at how touchy we were and how she seemed to get jealous of people who had more time with me than she did. I spent about 2-3 years of our friendship kind of desperately in love with her. I’d move mountains for her, but was so scared to lose her or strain our friendship that I didn’t tell her. We were best friends, like attached at the hip. Told each other so much and did so much together.

    So cut to the end of our time living together, around July 2017. We almost moved out into a place together but I thought that would be a bad idea, so I stayed in the house and she moved out to live with some friends of hers. We went through a phase of not talking because I kind of freaked out because I thought I would see her less. But thats the only detail I remember, I’m not really sure why we stopped talking.

    We started talking and hanging out normally again within months because we really missed each other. Then cut to January 2018, we got awfully drunk together and I admitted my feelings. She cried, I cried, and we didn’t talk for a week. But after that week was up, we had one of the scariest conversations where she told me it was mutual, and we talked about what this meant to us. We were exclusive for about 2-3 weeks, and she asked me to be her girlfriend on February 13th, 2018, and I was over the moon.

    Things were good with us. We took things slowly, felt some bumps of a new relationship, but things were mainly amazing. We seemed to be completely on the same page and genuinely in love. Then comes April, and the first red flag. “Nancy” had lived with a married couple who were two of her best friends, and wasn’t thrilled with the way some things were going. She had originally agreed to resign the lease and live in the apartment another year, but was secretly making other arrangements behind their back, and didn’t tell them before it was too late. Which rightfully pissed off the couple, who moved out, and haven’t talked to her since. This is a pattern of behavior that happens with Nancy. She sees something wrong, but doesn’t work on it or say anything before its too late, this has happened to 4 of her BEST friends in the past YEAR, including me. Which I will get in to soon.

    Then comes September 2018. I travel home with her to her sister’s engagement party. Things go well, but I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by anxiety because this is my first time traveling with her as her girlfriend, and I convinced myself they hated me or hated her with me. Towards the end of the trip I got so terrified I tried to breakup with her so as to remove the burden of my insecurities and anxieties. We fought, she didn’t want to end it, and in the morning decided to stay together under the promise that she be honest with me.

    Another cut to a few weeks after that. I live in the south, and we were getting hit with a huge hurricane. I had made the arrangements to stay at her apartment with her and her cousin because it was on safe ground. So I get there, brought my cat and brought food and everything. Soon after I get there the forecast gets worse, and they both start getting nervous and looking in to flights home to the north east. I start getting my things together to go to another friend’s house who I knew was staying put, allowing her to figure out whats going on. But she hated this. She wanted me to stay until she had plans, but kept waffling on if she was staying or not. It turned into a fight because she didn’t want me to leave. She just wanted to be with me, and kept crying and saying “i don’t want to not see you for a week”, which would have happened if we had split and gone our separate ways.

    Then the last cut to October 10th. She was kind of quiet over text all day. I texted her in the evening and asked if everything was okay and she just said “idk, is it?” and said we needed to talk some things out. Next thing I know she’s at my house crying hysterically and kissing me, but breaking up with me, saying my insecurities give her insecurities. She wants to stay with me but leaves when I start having a panic attack, still wanting a kiss goodbye. Not to mention she didn’t talk to anyone before she did this, and kept saying “what if this is the wrong decision?”

    The next morning I text her out of shock, she tells me she can’t see me and isn’t in love anymore, a complete departure from the night before when she told me she loved me, wanted to kiss me and stay with me. I’ve tried to text her since then, only to cold, terrible responses. I wanted another chance, she turned me down. I was absolutely shattered. This came from nowhere, we weren’t fighting, there were no warning signs. She started treating me as if I was a different person, as if I hurt her. She doesn’t talk to her friends, and hasn’t talked to them about me. She’s isolating and admitted she “isn’t processing things healthily”. I’ve seen her once and she didn’t acknowledge me the whole event, not even making eye contact. The last thing she said to me was she can’t see me and isn’t ready to be friends because she’s worried I’ll want another chance and she can’t handle that right now. Which sucked to hear. It took her a month to pick up her stuff that she left at mine from a friends house. Why?

     

    So, I need help figuring out whats going on. She’s clearly not happy about this. She isolated, doesn’t go out anymore and doesn’t talk to her friends. I know she must be depressed. But it hurts because I hate seeing this. She isn’t admitting she’s depressed to anyone, and everyone I’ve talked to has said she needs to decide when to get help and see a professional. But I want to be there for her. I do want another chance because there was so much left for us to do. We recently talked about kids together and moving to our dream city. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and mine has, I still love her to absolute pieces. But I don’t even know if she misses me at all. I think she’s just unemotional. Is she depressed?

    Can anyone help? What’s going on and what do I do? I want to move on, but I miss her absolutely constantly. Everything comes back to her.

    Please help!

     

    #238637
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Madeline,

    The best advice I can give is simple: She wants space. OK, so you give her all the space in the world. Radio silence space. Let HER come to YOU. But here’s the thing: DON’T put your life on hold.

    If she comes back in, say, a year, hopefully she will have worked everything out and you can give HER another chance. Great!

    But if she comes back and you happen to be in another relationship, then that is a good life lesson for her. Again, great!

    Best,

    Inky

    #238671
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Madeline:

    “She sees something wrong, but doesn’t work on it or say anything”- this is the problem as I see it. She feels wrong about something but… feels that she is a bad person for feeling this way, critical of herself, self doubting, so she says nothing, but the problem doesn’t go away, so she tries the resolve the problem without expressing how she feels and what she thinks.

    I think that she thinks that what  she  thinks and feels is unacceptable, so she hides these things. Maybe if you find a way to share with her more  of your thoughts and feelings that you find unacceptable somehow, including sharing this unacceptable element,  maybe it will encourage her to share her own thoughts and feelings that she believes are unacceptable.

    anita

    #238685
    Jean
    Participant

    This is very very true. She repressed emotions and internalizes everything. After the breakup her friends even would ask her if she wanted help after she said she was sad, and she would flat out deny it and say she was trying to figure out how to process on her own, which we all know is just internalizing and bottling feelings uoz I know where this comes from, this has always been a trait of hers, and I think it comes from a family that doesn’t talk openly about feelings and looks down on the weaknesses of their loved ones. What does hurt me though is that she knows the kind of person I am. I cry and I talk and I let my emotions out whenever I can, it helps me. And I allow people to vent to me and talk to me. She knows that’s who I am, but seems to have forgotten. I still worry about her and want to be there for her, and I’m also slightly worried that she could just repress and internalize so much that she just digs herself into a deeper hole and pushes thoughts and feelings of me so far down and I never see her ever again.

    #238687
    Jean
    Participant

    I’m trying. I am doing radio silence. It’s at the point where I am almost afraid of doing or saying anything because I don’t know how cold she’s going to be and how far away it will push her. It just hurts because this is the longest we’ve gone with no communication for years, and I’m worried about her. I’m not worried she’s out and seeing other people, but I’m worried she will repress her emotions for long enough and will completely and forcefully forget the feelings she had for me and just flat out never have me in her life ever again.

    #238715
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Madeline:

    “she knows the kind of person I am. I cry and I talk and I let my emotions out whenever I can, it helps me”, you wrote.

    If she “comes from a family that doesn’t talk openly about feelings and looks down on weaknesses”, it may overwhelm her to witness someone who is so  open as you,  crying and such. It will work better for you- if you get the  opportunity- to express to  her your feelings in a controlled, self contained way, honestly but controlled. That way she is more likely to not get overwhelmed and to take in what you express to her.

    anita

    #239719
    Jean
    Participant

    I want to do that, but she has said she doesn’t want to see or talk to me at all right now. Which also hurts because this wasn’t a messy breakup, or one that gave her reason to hate me. She refuses to talk to me. She hasn’t really even talked about our breakup with her friends. When her best friend tries to get her to talk about it she can say what she felt I did wrong, but when her friend asks her “how do you think you contributed?” She will literally change the topic or say she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, I feel as if my hands are completely tied.

    #239885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Madeline:

    For as long as she doesn’t want to see or talk to you, your hands are  indeed “completely tied” as you wrote. I understand your frustration, but what can you do… Reads like she has  whole conversations in her head that replace real life conversations.

    anita

    #239895
    Jean
    Participant

    You’re right, it just worries me that she is aware that she’s processing things unhealthily. If she continues, that may never change.

     

    #239899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Madeline:

    This is where and when the serenity prayer words can come handy: “grant  me  the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

    anita

    #240339
    Jean
    Participant

    Thank you for the responses anita, they really are helping. And I like those words, I may try those.

    what I am struggling with though is not understanding why she can’t provide closure, and why we couldn’t just go back to being friends. We were best friends for 5 years before we started dating. Is she still feeling raw, or is it possible she isn’t over me and can’t handle those feelings yet and just needs time? Does she miss me or care at all?

    and based on what I’ve said, do you think there’s a chance for us? I’m working on making myself my best self. I’ve grown in this time apart, and I know what I would need to do. I know distance makes the heart grow fonder, and it has in my case, but has it for her?

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
    #240369
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Madeline:

    Maybe I can speculate regarding your questions if I know more. You wrote in your original post that you and her were best friends, attached at the hip, lived together, and  then, “around July 2017. We almost moved out into a space together but I thought that would   be a bad idea, so  I stayed in the house and  she moved out to live with some friends  of hers. We went through a phase of not talking  because I kind of freaked out”-

    if you would like to share: why didn’t you move out with her into a place together, why did you think it was a bad idea, was she angry with you for not moving  in with her to a new place  and that was the reason the two  of you didn’t talk for a while? And what was that freaking out about?

    I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours and  if you reply I will be glad  to  post to you again when I am back. I will next read what seems  to  be a new thread that  you started

    anita

    #240377
    Jean
    Participant

    I thought it would be a bad idea because I was harboring some pretty strong feelings for her at that point but we were just best friends at the time. Around the time that she was moving out I was really anxious because I thought that her moving out and to a different space from me, about 20 minutes away, might mean that I would see much less of her and we would grow apart. I’m not exactly sure why she reciprocated and also didn’t really speak to me, I think she was also sad and saw me retreating a little bit. Us not talking only really lasted about a month, maybe just over a month, and during that time she apparently was really upset and would mention me all the time, and how we weren’t talking and how she missed me. She always missed me when we were dating too, like if I was on a trip or she was. We never really went too long without missing each other, through our friendship and relationship. I remember clearly, right around the time I developed feelings for her, she texted me one day into our Christmas break and said “this is bad, I miss you already”, but again, we were just friends at the time and this was years ago.

    I miss her as desperately as I always have. I miss her laugh and seem to have forgotten the way her voice sounds. I don’t miss her because I’m lonely, I’m not lonely. I have so much love and friends in my life, but there’s this void that I can’t seem to fill. It hurts feeling like she may not miss me the way I miss her, and she may not miss me at all. She hasn’t told anyone that she misses me, and I have told everyone I miss her.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
    #240389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Madeline:

    Yes, that was before the official romantic relationship. I agree with you that it is “so much more complicated” (in the title of your thread). As I re- read your original post there is a whole lot I am missing, lots of questions. For example, you wrote regarding the breakup, that  was following an official romantic relationship: “Next thing I know she’s at my house crying hysterically and kissing me, but breaking up with me, saying  my insecurities give her insecurities. She wants to stay with  me but leaves when I start having a panic attack”

    You mentioned her depression but I don’t know much about your panic attack or attacks while being her friend and during  the relationship, how your anxiety was expressed in the relationship (see what I italicized above)?

    anita

     

    #240395
    Jean
    Participant

    It was expressed quite a bit in the relationship. Many different times, especially around the beginning, I would often times do or say things because I almost didn’t believe she wanted to be with me, and I wanted validation. I have an issue with texting first or asking to hang out because I worry I’m bothering her, she’s usually busy. She cited that in our breakup, saying I wasn’t meeting her halfway and felt that she had more confidence in our relationship than I did. I also spent a lot of time worrying her family didn’t like me, given I am tattooed and have a piercing and she doesn’t, her family is conservative and wasn’t completely on board when they found out we were dating, given the same sex relationship. That led me to almost breaking up with her once on a trip to see her family, my anxiety got so far in the way and I was terrified and overwhelmed that she would break up with me because her family didn’t like me. That being said though, her family does like me. Her mother loved me and could tell we had feelings for each other before we were dating, and her sister and mother told her that I was good for her.

    The thing about that is I felt that this didn’t warrant a breakup. I had no idea that these things bothered her so much until she was ending it. Wouldn’t that sort of thing be discussed in a conversation and an agreement to work on it? I was working on myself and my insecurities, and continue to. I just have a lot of guilt about feeling like it was my fault, although everyone I’ve talked to says it’s not my fault, and how she’s behaving isn’t a reflection on me because I took personal responsibility, she has yet to take any personal responsibility for the breakup, because she hasn’t talked about it and will change the topic once someone asks her what she could have done differently.

    I know what I could have done differently, and I just wish I could show her what I’m capable of.

    And I understand! As I was writing it I realized it was a much longer and more complicated story than I thought, and likely left some stuff out. But I am open and willing to be honest about anything, so ask any questions you need to.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Jean.
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