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A few years ago I endured my first heartbreak, by a guy I knew from the start was absolutely wrong for me. Two years I put myself through this emotional pain suppressed by alcohol and drugs for a guy who simply didn’t value me. (Now seeing it was ME who didn’t value myself). Promised myself Id never let happen again. Never really been the relationship type because I have a fear of endings. But anyways, found a gym put all my energy there, found my happiness and finally broke free from his spell. I felt amazing…short lived because a month or so later, a good friend of mine who actually comforted me through that time turned into something more and on to heartbreak #2.
It started out as a normal friendship (plus he was always in a relationship). This relationship eventually turned platonic and soon enough I realized he constantly wanted to hang out and talk with me daily, and next I realized, so did I. This man made me so happy, but I started to realize all my happiness was dependent on him and I felt like I started to loose my true self. I sabotaged it all by thinking I wasn’t good enough for him. Worried about the outcome of this “relationship” I told him how I felt. I asked for space, even though I see him daily because he is the owner of the gym I go too, but I was not willing to give up my gym time. He basically cut off all phone contact and hanging out. I took it hard, never in my life had I felt such a strong physical and emotional pain, feelings I never knew I even had. I felt so unbelievably depressed and it showed. So to make my already long story short, he quickly moved on and is a new relationship with someone who seems to have it all, everything on his little check list of what he wants in a woman. She seemed perfect I guess and I have to see it everyday because we all go to the same gym together.
We finally talked and he said he wants our friendship back too, but I made the decision not to have a friendship with him. How could we be friends when all his time and energy was now all for her. I felt hurt and betrayed by him. I have been trying so hard to move on and just be happy for him, but my anger and resentment towards him for cutting me out, and my jealously towards her, consumes me. I guess my only regret is wishing I never crossed that line between friends and dating. I want to forgive him and wish them both well, for me, so I can finally feel peace with myself, but I can’t seem to do that. Am I struggling with this because I am that unhappy with myself along with deep insecurities? Why can’t I let go and accept him and I will never be? How do I find my true self again?
Anita,
Initially when we had that conversation, he asked me if I needed space. I told him I knew that was probably what was needed, but I didn’t actually confirm to him that I wanted it to happen. Let’s just say after 3-4 months of talking to one another almost every single day, went to pretty much no contact after that night. I see why it is confusing though, I was not very clear on my post and obviously not with him either. But yes it hurt a lot, I basically felt abandoned but someone I truly and deeply cared for. Finding out a month later this no contact was easy for him because he had found someone new to keep him occupied
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