Dear Kristy:

Regarding # 2: when it comes to an intimate relationship there is no knowledge to impart or taught. The only knowledge that matters, that can make any difference is that which is experienced. When he experience condescension than the only thing you taught him is that he is stupid, somethng he already believes he is (so your really didn’t teach him that, only reinforced). No matter what you said, how much sense it made, how intelligent, how enlightened, if what you said to him or how you said it to him makes him FEEL stupid than what you taught him is that you agree with him that he is stupid.

It is not your knowledge that he needs, at least not at this stage. There is something else that he needs.. what do you think it is and can you give him that?

anita

Hello HaveLipsWillSmile,

I think you are doing a wonderful thing asking what you can do to support your partner. It seems as if you deeply care about him. Have you expressed these feelings to him? Usually, in these situations when a person is insecure,jealous, and self-critical they have been hurt a lot in the past. Maybe they had abusive parents or siblings or another figure in his life.

Personally, I don’t think you should jump around the topic and try to cover it up. What i’ve learned is that covering up the real issue can lead to miscommunication and even greater issues. For example, you try to tell him you weren’t being condescending and he feels like he’s the one who can’t do anything right. He may feel victimized or even attacked. If you care about someone and are willing to work on the relationship, then you have to give them constructive criticism. Instead of getting worked up time and time again and eventually becoming tired, you should let him know the truth. Tell him how you feel you are afraid of the way he will react when you speak and that you feel he is acting insecurely. It seems as if you’ve done your fair share of work to not let negative comments get to you, maybe you can share your experience. Usually, when people behave insecurely, out of jealously, or are overly self-critical they aren’t even aware that they are doing it. Their entire livelihood is spent being the helpless victim so how could they see a difference in what they’re doing? Ask your partner what it is that you can do to help him feel more supported, secure, and appreciated? What do you think?

On the opposite side, try not to make it your goal to “fix him” or get rid of his moodiness. Bring up the issue and there is work that he has to do on his own. What is this “knowledge” you wish to teach him?

Annie